Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

Ok so he has no responsibility to discuss and try to resolve this with her, to find out why this is happening?
Ah got you
Press button, wife delivers ...

My DH would rather he wore his clothes crumpled everyday than give up sex!

Agreed!! This is what I mean about managing priorities and pressures.

Nothing really "needs" ironing except arguably school uniform and that takes me literally 90 seconds each morning (I have a cordless, highly recommend)

This.

YANBU to not want sex as much as he does but this is an inexcusably awful thing to say to a man in this situation.

He is trying to discuss it with her, she discussed it with him. She agreed on her part to try harder, but when he didn’t “perform” she was unkind.

Not really a good start.

As the female in a sexless relationship, I completely agree. I'm nothing more than a housemate/unpaid housekeeper.

Er no, I didn't say that at all.
I was just pointing out that the "lazy man" card doesn't seem to apply here. But obviously it still is his fault, because he's male.

I feel for the DH here, he sounds very respectable towards OP, to expect a man in his 30s into his 40s to go 18 mths with no sex and then be nasty when he can’t perform is very cruel.
Working ft and having kids isn’t an excuse to neglect your marriage , they’re not wee toddlers any more.

He's "a good addition to our family"? That doesn't sound very loving or sexy and I think that statement speaks volumes, like he's a dog or something. I don't think it matters at all how much someone does or doesn't want sex, but it their partner has very different needs then it must be really difficult to sort out. I have no obvious answer I'm afraid, but I wouldn't like to be referred to as "a good addition to our family".

Most people are busy and have stuff to do round the house....her husband sounds like a pretty ok guy. I highly doubt if he started scrubbing the skirting boards she'd suddenly think wow, that's hot and magically find her sex drive.

@Dingdongdingdoo do you ever hug or kiss each other other than in bed? Do you hold hands if you go out together? It sounds like part of the problem is lack of intimacy and affection between you, rather than just lack of sex.

He did discuss it with her. He didn't just start groping her one night in bed.

Men, on average, think about sex a lot. That's not oversexed that's biology. We have established my DH could have a nuclear bomb go off next door and still be in the mood for sex, it's more vital to him than hunger or thirst or physical comfort. On the other hand, while I really enjoy sex, the desire gets easily squashed by worry/mental load. As a result he is always worried that I will feel that he's being a sex pest, even after years of happy sex etc, he still has that fear lurking. Imagine how it would feel after years of rejection. That is likely to be a big reason for the ED - feeling like the person you're trying to have sex with doesn't really want it is an instant mood killer.

No one is saying women should have sex when they don't want to. But it is dishonest to suddenly drop sex without any conversation and ignore the biological and emotional needs of a spouse. It's a bit like if a DH suddenly, without discussion, decided they were going to live in a different house or be away every weekend. Sex is in movies, books, songs, Mills + Boon novels, 50 shades of grey. It's everywhere. It feels a little dishonest to me to act surprised that a partner still wants it.

I feel like I've been in a very similar position to your husband. My partner and I also have kids of roughly the same age and we have gone for long sporadic periods without having sex (every 3/4 months or so). It creates a sense of rejection which then turns into resentment. If everything else in the relationship is great then it's confusing and upsetting, because you desperately want to make love to the person you love and desire and can't understand why they don't share those feelings. At times it can feel as though you're just co-parenting with a platonic friend.

Trying your best to be a good dad, a patient and loving husband/partner and then getting rejected or your hand grumpily slapped away any time you dare to tentatively make a move is an absolute killer. The longer that goes on for the more the rejection and resentment builds and you find yourself grappling with the awful thought that your own selfish desire for sex could possibly end up jeopardising your relationship and kids lives. So you just have to suck it up and suppress those feelings of desire, which is really hard when it's a biological and psychological human impulse.

There's a bit of a misconception that all a bloke really wants is just a 'shag'. That may certainly be true of younger lads - and some older men too - but when you really love your partner you want to share a deeper psychological connection with them, not purely a physical one. An occasional wank helps to release the build up of primal sexual desire that men experience, but if that's all you're left with for prolonged periods it can feel empty and degrading. It's absolutely no substitute for the real thing.

Good sex also takes practice. When you are lucky enough to do it again after weeks or months in between it can feel like your very first time all over again and you can't necessarily guarantee what you will or won't be able to control down there. Your mind goes a bit haywire, especially if both of you are conscious of the fact that sex has become a 'thing', and then all of a sudden it feels a bit procedural and detached and there is pressure on you to perform. I was the opposite to your husband in that I didn't usually have an issue getting it up, but as soon as the show got started I could barely hang on - which was equally as frustrating.

“He’s a good addition to our family” 😂🤣

Sounds like you just adopted a dog 🤦🏻‍♀️ he’s not an addition to your family, he IS your family, you speak as though you are the head and controller of the family and other members are there at your dictation only.

That said, I don’t think once every two weeks is too unreasonable for sex frequency. It’s not loads but it’s not terrible. 18 months was dreadfully selfish and unfair, and it sounds like he dealt with that better than could be expected.

Making snarky digs at him about his sexual performance is awful though. That’s really unkind, and if that’s how the relationship pans out in general then it’s no wonder the poor guy has performance anxiety. Sex should be made stress free, with no expectations on either side. That’s how you expect to be treated, so do him the same courtesy. Be kind, support him. Make him feel wanted and comfortable. If you can’t do that then you need to end the relationship and each find someone who is a better fit.

She says she has more mental load but works fewer hours and he has more physical load.
And you interpret that as she has all the mental load.
Your quote: She states the mental load is hers, feeling mentally burdened with everything

Mentally burdened with everything is not what OP says. It might be the case with other couples but not here.

Can you expand on this? What are you taking and was it just for sex drive or other symptoms as well?

Yes, most wives and mothers are knackered. So having sex is a way to have a rest, right?? 😁 At least you get to have a lie-down! 🤣

Maybe I'm doing it wrong but I don't find sex to be a huge amount of effort...! I'm a mum, work full time and run my house and am always tired but don't find sex to be an arduous chore! To be fair, if you haven't had sex with your husband for a year or more, it won't take that long anyway 😂

Oh, I could have written this myself, except I was married to the guy.

This part resonates hard:

I’ve been in a relationship where sex was an issue and it was genuinely one of the most traumatising things I’ve been through. I’ve never felt so unloved, unwanted and lonely in my entire life.

Personally, I feel that the majority of people are not up to the intense demands of marriage in the long-term, which is why the divorce rate is so high. Marriage requires that you love, cherish, and have sex with your partner through everything, for many decades, and most just aren't capable of seeing through this Herculean task. In this case, OP is not able to/doesn't want to live up to her "with my body I honour you" vow and the expectation of a sexual relationship that's implicit in marriage, even if it's a civil wedding and those exact words aren't used.

It's a tall order, marriage. Most of us fail at it, when you consider that there are many marriages which are unhappy even if you don't divorce.

"Maybe I'm doing it wrong" 🤣🤣🤣

OP said between once and twice a month though. So it's not reliably every other week.

Edit: I do think we should be more realistic about the sexual promise that's implicit in marriage, instead of promoting this ideal that marriage means unconditional love until the end of time no matter what. Human beings aren't built that way!

This line should be part of the wedding service! 🤣

I agree with you about what a successful marriage requires, but I disagree that it's a herculean task. I think my dh makes my life easier in just about every way: financially, emotionally, and yes sexually. And from op's description, her husband does too.

Sex as a woman can be risky: you don't know if the next man you date might be violent or rough or kinky or merely clumsy and ineffectual.

Once you find a man who is nice and effective in bed, and marry him, that's great sex on tap any day you like, without the risk that he's going to suggest anal or have a smelly penis or something. And he helps pay the bills, does school pickups, does the washing up, listens about my day in the evening and my dreams in the morning etc.

It's a really good deal imo and I'd encourage op to see it that way.

And yes I totally agree that if you strictly require no extra marital affairs, then part of that deal is having sex, or breaking up, because no one should enforce celibacy in someone else unless they've signed up to be a monk or nun.

A couple of years ago, I said to my wife that I felt I'd been "signed up to a life-long vow of celibacy," which is exactly what it is. The problem is that, for the partner who doesn't want sex, a vow of celibacy is exactly what they want.... so what's the big deal?