Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

That's amazing! If two people are up to the task and they marry each other, that's the dream. I never saw it as Herculean task, either, but it becomes so if you marry someone who's not up to the demands of marriage.

I think using phrases like oversexed and asking about what a 'normal' sex drive is suggests you might have a bit of shame attached to it. You simply can't have a long term relationship if you call your partner oversexed.

If you've not read it already you could look at the 'Come As You Are' - it talks about desire, relationships, getting your mojo back. It might help you to untangle some of these ideas about sex drives.

You are making a big assumption that they hug and kiss in bed. It doesn’t sound like it tbh.

Sex once per month following 18.months of celibacy.

Oversexed?

@MissJoGrant I love that gif so much.

I dont understand if you both work fulltime why he has said this:
"he feels like he's worked to give me everything I've wanted: home, house, money, kids and I've kind of forgotten about him which was sad."
If you both work full time and you do more with the kids and at home (traditional relationship ugh) then you are the one putting in more than him.
I just find this entitlement really off putting, and then blaming you (anxiety) for his ED too. Sure its not too much porn use?
Anyway you dont sound that into him. Is the addition he brings to the family worth sex you dont want????

OP doesn’t do more at home, he does more of the physical stuff.

This 47-year old woman wouldn’t be content without sex, either.

I have a best friend. I was a single parent for years - I’ve got this. I don’t need a housemate. My husband is the ONLY person in my life I can express myself sexually with and it is a form of torture to live with someone and desire them, when they don’t desire you. It turns into NOT desiring them, because it isn’t appropriate to and hurts less. And then you start desiring other people, because the sex drive is still there. And your partner isn’t the object of your desire any more - maybe porn is, maybe someone at work is.

Many women here seem happy with that. I wouldn’t be.

@Elsvieta men can be content without sex. I live with one. I’d love sex once a week. That would be perfect. He wants sex never.

Good on you. I don't think that is typical though. Sex hurt for me for at least 9 months after the birth of each child. After the second one we did it for the first time after three months and I bled because I was still healing. I'm not sure four weeks is wise from an infection pov.

Well it is obviously not enough for him. X

Healthcare professionals recommend not before 4-6 weeks.

Ouch as a man that comment would have hit hard with me too, but, we all say things sometimes without thinking so don’t be too hard on yourself, i think maybe the first thing to do would be to have a conversation about that comment to clear the air, i’m sure you just snapped out of frustration and didn’t really mean it, then i would try and work on the romancing a bit, spend more time together, explore each other, get to know each other intimately again and see if it naturally comes back for both of you.

It used to be six weeks. If the woman feels ready, fine. Not sure lowering it is a benefit to women who get pressured by less considerate husbands because they were told four weeks.

When my mother had surgery she was told four weeks but she told my father it was six weeks to buy some time. Those men are out there. My husband is more considerate.

Overreact much?
Hurt feelings do NOT = free pass/infidelity.

Just have an open marriage, OP @Dingdongdingdoo
Sorted.

@TheBlueDeer @Beenwhereyouareagain although some men absolutely would go elsewhere in that situation, Men do generally get bad press when sex is the subject and i'm not going to disagree in the most part as Men can be a nightmare, but, just to give you an example, i have an extremely high sex drive and i've been celibate for almost 5 years now (won't go into the details but my wife has a lot to deal with) it's absolutely killing me in every way possible but i haven't cheated on her, i'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't something i asked myself whilst trying to understand what my future might look like but the point is i haven't gone all black and white on her ass and just decided to go get it elsewhere just because she doesn't want it. Some of us are half decent and do respect women! My dad didn't respect my mum so i vowed never to be like him. So maybe the way you where brought up has some bearing on how your future decisions are made.

He said he would probably do it 4-5 times a week (Is this normal for a man in his 40s) if I wasn't around. He sometimes wishes he could go to bed early/ with me and just have a quick wank to help him sleep. I think this is a bit weird, though, and perhaps a bit over sexed.

Again, OP, you need to stop thinking that the issue is that your husband is oversexed. It is very, very common for people to sleep better after they orgasm. I think it's also totally normal for the partner with the higher libido to sometimes masturbate with their partner there with them - my husband used to do this when I wasn't up for sex and I sometimes do it now that my drive is higher than his. It's nice snuggling up to someone who you love and are attracted to while they enjoy themselves without there being any expectation of you joining in. It's a way of maintaining intimacy. I would happily masturbate every day if I had the opportunity.

Again you just sound like you don't really like sex and never have, perhaps you find the whole thing somewhat distasteful? Did you have more sex when you got together? Because he's said he's been waiting for things to get going again, whereas you sound like you want to never have sex ever again. How honest have you been with him about your feelings over the past few years? Have you implied that in time you're wanting to have more regular sex again?

I'm feeling bad today after my anger has settled.

Firstly, as I said my husband would do anything for the kids. That includes staying in a relationship without sex that was making him deeply unhappy. All of you who say he should go elsewhere don't know my husband.

Whilst I can never be certain he wouldn't leave - what I am certain of is he would do it in a controlled way that thought of the kids first. I'm as certain of this as I am of anything.

I particularly feel sad as someone who would put his children before himself, despite deep unhappiness, is not a bad man at all.

Please can someone give me some good news stories? There are clearly lots of wives out there with slightly lower sex drives than their husbands who make it work. I can't just send him to the bathroom/bed early 5 nights a week. How do you practically manage this? He does make an effort with things - flowers on our anniversary. Brings home a treat from work on Fridays etc - but our lives don't have much flex to do more.

I want to want sex more for his sake - but its just not me in my current life situation. I'm also not the most affectionate/tactile person and will find the process of rebuilding intimacy hard.

@Dingdongdingdoo Just a thought. Rather than send him away to bathrooms/bed why don’t you offer to masturbate him?

Not penetrative sex for you (or any unwanted touching your side) but he can have you be intimate with him and be tactile? Could that be an option to start rebuilding connection here?

Are you being intimate in ways other than sex?

If you're in a loving relationship sex is one of the most fun and enjoyable things you can do, and it's completely free and it doesn't even have to take long.

It usually brings two people much closer together, like a spiritual re-connection, and any pent up tension or little niggles are soon forgotten about - family life can be relentless and the hard work and effort by one person is not always necessarily noticed by the other, so personally I feel it's vital that parents find the time to enjoy themselves and each another. Otherwise everything does feel like a massive chore and before you know it life will have passed you by entirely. But at least the ironing was done and the recycling was sorted out with military precision.

That's exactly my view of the importance of sex in an LTR, but some people have their switch set to "off".

Theres a reason why its known as 'making love', I guess.

One of the things to potentially think about OP is that you don't have to be having full sex every time. DP has a lower sex drive than me, and it tends to be a bit feast or famine due to her health issues, so we'll have lots for a couple of years, and then it might be a year of having it less than monthly.

For me, it's not the lack of orgasms that I struggle with, its the lack of intimacy and closeness. During a particularly bad dry spell about 8 years ago, DP suggested "Naked Thursdays". Didn't end up always being a thursday, but one night a week we'd go to bed a bit earlier than usual, about 9pm, and DP wouldn't put her PJs on. (I sleep naked anyway). Sometimes absolutely nothing would happen, we'd both read our books for a bit, turn off the light, go to sleep. Most of the time though, we'd end up cuddling, chatting about our day, a bit of kissing.

A lot of the time that'd be it, and while I'd have preferred we'd had sex, it was enough to have that closeness, that intimacy. Sometimes though it'd get DP in the mood, and either I'd get her off, or she'd get me off, or we'd end up having sex. Or maybe sometimes I'd just give her a massage.

It wasn't what I wanted in a perfect world, but it was enough to get us through a difficult time