Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

He said he feels like he's worked to give me everything I've wanted: home, house, money, kids and I've kind of forgotten about him which was sad. He said that is part of his resentment.

But he seems to have forgotten that YOU also have :
worked to give him everything he has wanted: home, house, money, kids and he has kind of forgotten about you which was sad.

So your equal contributions have been dismissed. What a turn on (not).

Yes youve got a lot on, but have you prioritised your partner and put his needs before you own?

Well, this encapsulates the majority of replies. What a selfish woman, putting herself first by working full time AND parenting the kids AND doing the weekly planning, preparation and god knows what all. How dare she not appreciate the home and children her husband has generously provided for her!

Where's her money going, hey? There's no suggestion she splashes it all on prosecco nights with the girls and designer handbags. She's providing HIM with a house and kids, too, isn't she.

I was gobsmacked when I read that many men genuinely believe the home and children are a woman's hobby - given all the free time in the world, women would choose to bustle around cooking, washing up, folding laundry, updating the kids' homework, mopping up their sick, paying the school incidentals, making sure they've got shoes that fit them now, and all that other absolutely thrilling stuff. Some of you really need to wake up.

I'd love to know how much opportunity OP gets to put her needs anywhere at all.

There've been a few more realistic replies along the lines of prioritising together time - meeting both their relationship needs (not just sex as yet another chore) - with pretty superficial ideas on how to do that. Yes, they do need to. It's going to be a logistical challenge, and probably a financial one too. It takes the pair of them working together to make it happen on a continuous basis.

You're all correct that this is how a lot of marriages die. You are absolutely not correct in dumping all the blame on women who are dead on their feet, somehow 'selfishly' putting everyone's needs before their own, who you seem to feel should transform into sex sirens at a moment's notice.

It can be done ... not if you believe in magical sex sirens and invisible house elves, though. Practical solutions required.

He sounds sex obsessed

He feels he has given you everything you wanted but he’s been forgotten about along the way. Sounds like he’s right op. He’s reached the dizzy heights of ‘good addition to our family’ status? Bloody hell that’s brutal. You need to apologise big time for your awful comment about his ED - because comments like that aren’t going to make it worse… oh, wait..
If he isn’t already questioning your marriage and how much he feels he can put up with, he is likely to start (and frankly he should, he deserves to feel loved, desired and appreciated op, you really need to think about this).

"you moan at me for sex then get all anxious"

Oh good God, op. Seriously? Would you like it if he mocked you about menopause, thinning hair, etc.? That's beyond cruel. Yes, we all snap, but seeing as you're asking, yes, I imagine he'll be extremely pissed off.

You do know ED existed well before porn was freely available? It's not always the porn. Anxiety or physical causes are real.

I think we are often this way because of putting everyone and the dog before ourselves.

Do you think having sex every 3 months isn't going to result in masturbation for the person who is sexually frustrated? I mean what do you want that person to do?

He's worked hard to give you what you wanted? What about you working hard? Has he forgotten that? Has he actually given you what you wanted or just what he decided you wanted? Has he given you his time?

It's fine for him to complain about your lack of sex drive (which you can't help) and make you feel bad - but when you complain about his ED then suddenly that's not ok because you hurt his ego and you're the bad guy?

He sounds like a whiny baby to me and it sounds from the way you talk about him like you're pretty sick of him tbh.

He spends 11 hours a day at work or works weekends as well as during the week and then wonders why you don't have a great relationship. He needs to try putting some time and effort into the relationship rather than thinking money and sex is enough.

I'm so sick of whiny baby men who think they're the victim.

Masturbation is as old as time and believe it or not, exists without porn.

Wow. An affair instead of leaving? How vile.

I think if he wanted sex more regularly there were better ways of saying it than the way he did tbh.

If it's currently at once a month/once every 2wks it's hard to understand why it's now such a big deal.

A good addition to the family ?? Like a pet? So you are all not really a family but he just serves as a purpose?

This
The lack of sexual interest is a consequence

Could he be filling the void by looking at porn? This can often lead to ED?

Do you even like him OP? I’ve never heard of anyone describe their husband as a good addition to their family. A naughty pet they don’t want to get rid of maybe… but a husband? That’s a new one.

I’ve been in a relationship where sex was an issue and it was genuinely one of the most traumatising things I’ve been through. I’ve never felt so unloved, unwanted and lonely in my entire life. I discovered this was down to porn addiction and he had subsequent ED that followed on from it. It was something I did bring up to him time and time again because he hadn’t just given birth, there were no hormone dips I knew of so I didn’t understand. Unless you’ve been through it it’s really hard to explain because yes it’s just sex but there’s so much more to sex with your partner. I tried to tell my friends but they didn’t really understand or they couldn’t understand WHY we just weren’t having sex. Then you have the guilt for wanting something your partner clearly doesn’t want.

If your husband has sat on this for years and is now raising it as an issue then I would listen to him and not make him feel like he’s nagging and putting pressure on you. Long term lack of sex and feeling unwanted is really hard to come back from. My ex and I went to sex therapy to get through it and the therapist maintained that this wasn’t going to be an overnight fix, as long term neglect in the sex life needs dedicated attention and you can’t just fix it by adding an extra session in.

Ultimately, I left him because I resented him and how he made me feel too much. By the end I was angry just looking at him. I couldn’t stand to be around him. Best thing I ever did as I shortly met my husband afterwards and he’s highlighted even more how miserable I was in that relationship.

You are of course allowed to want less sex and nobody has any right to make you feel pressured into having any. However, single handedly deciding your marriage will have much less sex and then not discussing that with your partner and seeing where they land on that is selfish. He is allowed to want more and he is allowed to leave because of that.

Making comments like he’s nagged you and now it doesn’t work is not going to help at all because he’s now going to feel guilty for even mentioning it as you clearly don’t want to and feel nagged for it.

I think you need to do some serious soul searching and decide if you actually like your husband at all because it doesn’t sound like you do from your OP.

This not that unusual TBH. I mean many women who are married and have children feel similar I expect.she is always sexy when away for a night in a nice hotel .Maybe try and get away when you can?Nagging for sex can be annoying and DH probably feels upset and unwanted .Talk and see if you can plan date nights and maybe a couple of weekends away if possible

Always the men are upset but not self aware.
Its the press button expect women to perform attitude
Women who are overwhelmed by house, work, home, kids
They have zero time for themselves and then men come in with me,me,me

Time and time again they are dismissed, belittled, ignored or receive anger when they ask for help
The same men will pester and whinge and say you never said anything or I thought you liked being with the kids

What about the DH doing some soul searching about his utter lack of care and respect towards his wife
" buying his leisure with her fatigue"

Men just dont care how exhausted women are, they just want to be serviced

NRTFT yet … but @Dingdongdingdoo: if this continues the resentment will build & you may find him leaving you for someone who DOES make him feel desired

He really doesn't, it isn't obsessive to want to have sex with your spouse.

I think "life" is one of the main reasons for our lack of sex drive

It’s not though is it? It’s your (singular) lack of sex drive.

I know no one has to have more sex than they want etc etc, but if one person decides that it’s now going to be ”between once every 2 weeks and every month” and the other person would like more, there’s obviously going to be issues.

And ‘he’s a good addition to our family’ - what the fuck? He IS your family 😵‍💫.

I would not nor would I expect anyone to stay in a sexless marriage.

It doesn't sound like he's "pestered" op at all. If anything he might have been better raising this in conversation before now, rather than silently putting up with the drought for 18 months (!) twice (!). That is really quite a long time, barring any major medical reasons.

Probably but imho men dont want to hear that their wives are overwhelmed and exhausted
The status quo suits them and they rarely reflect on their own behaviour