Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

Ok - few updates after speaking with him again. Thank you for those with kind and productive comments.

In terms of housework etc - you are right he doesn't take all the mental load. However, I think he does take quite a bit of the physical load to free me up. I do work a day a week less than him so I don't think its fair for me to sit and relax whilst he goes to work and then expect him to do everything in the house when he comes back.

By physical load I mean he does lots for the kids. More school drop offs. More clubs. This week he is doing sports day during work time which will mean I can work but he will have to catch up in the evening. Last week our cleaner was off and so he Vac'd the house and mopped the kitchen without prompting etc. You are right that he often requires direction and I do take MORE mental load. He certainly doesn't do nothing but I do more ironing/shopping/ washing /planning birthdays etc

He also is never happier and more relaxed when he is with the kids. If I know one thing about him is that he would die for them without a second thought.

When I spoke to him about the ED - he said most of the time I'm with you I'm trying to hold back sexual feelings and now when I need to "turn them on" it feels harder. He was scared he would mess it up and put me further off.

With regard to porn, masturbation, affairs etc we spoke about this too. He said he would hate the thought of an affair or open marriage as he still loves me and no one would come close. He said this makes it harder as if he didn't love me he would have thought about leaving despite how sad he's been.

With regard to masturbation and porn (sorry if TMI for the mumsnet Brigade). He said he does masturbate and occasionally uses porn but not often. I think I believe him as Ive never found evidence and not particularly private about our devices. However, one of the reasons he's really struggled in the last few months is that he never gets time! He's either at work, we go in the bathroom together on a morning, the kids are around or I'm around. He's said he is scared of doing it on a night without me knowing as the law of sod is I would turn round and want sex that night and he wouldn't perform.

He said he would probably do it 4-5 times a week (Is this normal for a man in his 40s) if I wasn't around. He sometimes wishes he could go to bed early/ with me and just have a quick wank to help him sleep. I think this is a bit weird, though, and perhaps a bit over sexed.

but by her own account he hasn’t been moaning, he communicated entirely respectfully. her comment was cruel.

(this isn’t directed at OP who already acknowledged this)

I would focus less on the figures and numbers and trying to analyse his wanking habits and focusing more on getting some quality time together as a couple to see if the attraction/desire can come back.
Yes, womens mental load is often bigger than a man's when it comes to parenting/admin etc this tends to be the way but it sounds like he is doing a fair bit and you also have a cleaner and a day off.....i have a day off and blitz the housework.....i dont have a cleaner.....my dp helps out a lot with the clubs, school runs, homework etc moves work around for sports day too....he does all the cooking and food shopping, I do the washing up....i appreciate him and he appreciates me and we have sex once if not twice a day. 2 children here. I think you need to think what is it you want/need from him so you dont feel as exhausted etc and might be more in the mood etc
Hes told you what he needs so communicate with him the same

He said he would probably do it 4-5 times a week (Is this normal for a man in his 40s) if I wasn't around. He sometimes wishes he could go to bed early/ with me and just have a quick wank to help him sleep. I think this is a bit weird, though, and perhaps a bit over sexed.

My DH is 52 and recently during a discussion told me he masturbates every day.
We have sex about once every 6 weeks, I probably wouldn't bother at all if it was up to me.

@DingdongdingdooDid you apologise to him?

@Dingdongdingdoo He said he feels like he's worked to give me everything I've wanted: home, house, money, kids and I've kind of forgotten about him which was sad. He said that is part of his resentment.

Excuuuse me- but you are working ft so what is he on about? And if anyone gave the other kids then that would be you to him. Wtf- this statement made me mad at him and I'm not his wife!

...

But he didn’t say that did he? You’re making it up.

OP hasn’t said at all that she does everything whilst he’s swanning off being an absent Father and husband. But that wouldn’t fit your narrative would it.

She writes as though she doesn’t like him.

I feel incredibly sorry for him.

If my boyfriend rarely wanted to have sex, including gaps of 18 months with nothing, and then thought I was unreasonable for wanting it more than every couple of months, and was then angry and snappy with me because I was nervous when he resentfully agreed to give it a try, I would leave him. Whether I was 'a good addition to the family' or not.

Christ. You talk about him as if he's an annoying pet cat that you wish would hurry up and die so you don't have to empty the litter tray any more, but that you won't rehome because you know the kids are fond of it.

He hasnt discussed it with her and asked her why though
She states the mental load is hers, feeling mentally burdened with everything when they both WOH

He doesn't want a house share with you... he wants a partner to share every possibility that that holds - that's a lot more than just divvying up the household chores between the two of you.

Have you read OPs posts? Because it doesn't seem like you have.
She says she has more of the mental load, not all of it, and he has more "physical" load.
And they have discussed it.
Maybe read before posting.

Well.it sounds to.me like you have a really good relationship at its core because you are communicating well!

Now the subject has been breeched and you have both said how you feel I think you need to put the sex on a back burner for a while and focus in building loving intimacy and affection - I mean chatting, laughing together at a comedy programme, kissing, hugging.

Go for a walk in the country together with the kids perhaps and get exercise and fresh air.
Could you go away for a weekend alone? A change of scene and no kids?

I think you have every chance of getting through this and both being happy again.

Perhaps you should read

You are right that he often requires direction and I do take MORE mental load

Nothing is a passion killer like having to tell a grown man what to do
Its scientifically been shown that women are programmed to experience lack of libido in relationships where the partner adopts a child like role of having to be told what to do

You really think taking on more of the physical load and less of the mental load is the biggest passion killer out there?

Please do link the “scientifically shown” data.

You are the one who is broken. 18 months without sex? I had sex within six weeks of my first baby, and four weeks with the second?

And then you tease him. Poor man.

When I spoke to him about the ED - he said most of the time I'm with you I'm trying to hold back sexual feelings and now when I need to "turn them on" it feels harder. He was scared he would mess it up and put me further off.

I posted at length on another thread yesterday about my ED, so I won't go into it all again, but just wanted to mention something on the above.

I've had intermittent ED since my 20's, it's a psychological thing, no physical cause. It is absolutely worse for me when me and DP have been going through a dry spell. If we've not had sex for ages, and then DP is finally in the mood, then the pressure to not fuck up the only chance for what might be another few months is immense, and pretty much a guarantee that I'm going be in the wrong headspace to maintain an erection. Which is really bloody annoying!

He said he would probably do it 4-5 times a week (Is this normal for a man in his 40s) if I wasn't around. He sometimes wishes he could go to bed early/ with me and just have a quick wank to help him sleep. I think this is a bit weird, though, and perhaps a bit over sexed.

Also, yes, this is perfectly normal. I'll generally limit a bit if I think sex with DP is on the cards, but on weeks where I know sex isn't on the cards, 4 or 5 times is pretty much average.

This. Sounds like someone is picking a washing machine. Very unemotional, cold comment.

Op your update is so gross. I agree with the pp who said you need to stop analysing his wanking schedule (wtf) as if he needs fixing. Everyone who pointed out that you talk about him as a malfunctioning appliance, is spot on.

Do you even fancy him? Is he handsome? Do you admire him? Do you like his naked body?

I'm usually one of the loud man-haters on mn but truly, I'd be miserable if I were your dh. Just split up...even reading all this is icky, I can't imagine living it. Ugh!

Honestly some posters blame men for everything regardless of the facts the OP has shared. He doesn't leave her to do it all, at all. Mental load is just life, having a bit more of it than your husband, who does more of the physical load anyway, is not grounds for complaint.
If you don't want sex with him, you don't have to. But let him leave and find someone who is compatible. It doesn't matter what "normal" is, who knows, but if there is a mismatch in what you each want/ need, this is a problem. Don't shame him, that really isn't fair.

OP - I hope you read this.

I am a woman who is (happily) divorced, self-aware, and have the trust of many friends who confide in me to the extent that I can confidently tell you that you have a very good husband but you do not realise it. He has opened up to you so vulnerably and the next stage after this would be an irreparable chasm, after which will come separation and divorce. Sorry to be blunt.

He is not getting fulfilment in the way that he needs it. Listen to him and do your best to fulfill his needs. Or you will lose him.

Look for yourself, its well documented

Op actually states her libido returns when she is away from the pressures of life ...

That's not her husband's fault. He shares the load more than equally. She wanted the kids, the job, the house? She can't expect him to manage it all.
She doesn't fancy him and that's fine, there doesn't need to be a made up backstory that it's because he's lazy, he isn't! I feel really sorry for him.

@Dingdongdingdoo he’s told you he’s stayed because he loves you not because he’s happy. That love may not last forever. If you don’t want to divorce in the future you need to work on providing an intimate loving relationship. Lots of cuddles, kissing goodbye and sex. If you can’t do this, then tell him and give him the option to leave.

It's partly op's responsibility to manage her time, though, and reframe the "pressures". She works 44h per week, and has children aged 8 and 10. She cites "shopping and ironing" as examples of chores that take her time. I mean, come on. She's not exclusively breastfeeding a newborn.

It doesn't sound like the load is hugely imbalanced between the pair of them, at all. If it is, it sounds like he'd be open to discussing that.

Frankly, she doesn't sound entirely rushed off her feet. I know it's all relative, and this sounds relatively OK compared to my schedule and those of many of my friends.