Abusive ex suddenly wants contact - help

[TheNicestFudge]

Hello, I didn't know where to post. This is about my ex.

He was highly abusive, got me in a coercive control relationship when I was much younger. Lots of DV and trauma for me and the children, and a horrible divorce. He hasn't seen the children for three and a half years. I've recently moved house and he emailed me out of the blue saying he wants my address and would like to see the children. He says he 'heard' I was moving which makes me wonder if he was spying on me as we have no mutual friends now, no connection.

What can I do? Do you think I have to give him my address? Do you think he would be able to see the children? I haven't replied yet. Children are tween/teen.

I'm really frightened. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived it, but I am a hundred percent sure he wants nothing good, just terror and control. This isn't like a normal situation with a slightly flawed or rubbish dad.

Any advice welcome, please.

I’m pretty sure he could find my address out if he wanted to— not least from (non related) family member who ‘doesn’t believe in abuse’ and so on. It’s more that I need to have not given it to him obviously so that he is trespassing to go near.

I’m in a simalar-ish position re the not seeing etc and if I got this email I’d be ignoring and filing away as if it didn’t exist. If he wants to see the children he can start legal proceedings (he won’t because it’ll be embarrassing, and time consuming), and those legal proceedings can be stymied by you using the legal system to your advantage ie stretching out deadlines etc and the longer it goes on (if he even starts this), the older and stronger the children will be and it’ll become their voices that are the most relevant. Use the time from now, in an age appropriate way, to make it clear what their abusive dad was/is, get them in therapy if you can. See if he bothers taking any more steps, I doubt it. My ex husband pipes up once in a while after years of nothing, demanding to see the kids. I either ignore or say it’s been too long so go away and go through the proper channels. A year or so later I’ll get another message saying the same thing. I don’t give a shit what anyone says, keeping a father’s abuse a secret from children, and/or facilitation of contact with an abusive father and never ‘badmouthing’ them, is NOT the right thing to do for a child and I will die on that hill.

My children are precious and I will not be hand delivering them to a psychopath unless a court of law pretty much drags me to that point, I don’t care if he’s their dad.

I so agree with you @EverybodyLTB — also amazing username. My ex I am also basically sure is a psychopath. The mainstream thinking on this is madness in cases like ours.

Ive got people in my life like that op :(

When I moved exh had someone follow the removal van... Do not even acknowledge you got the email. He will stop now he thinks you haven't even received the first one.
Get a ring doorbell.. Never leave a key hidden or with a neighbour..

I'm so sorry that you have this extra stress turn up on your doorstep. If you have to reply make it as brief as possible. Don't want to worry you further, but do your children have passports? if they don't, perhaps get them so that he can't. If they do, then keep them somewhere safe.

No!!

Do NOT give any address as this can be used for service if he wants to take you to court

Do keep the emails both in a separate folder and as screenshots.

I would strongly suggest changing your email

When I was OLD I had a separate email just for that and when I had met the woman who is now my wife I also changed my mobile number