Abusive ex suddenly wants contact - help

[TheNicestFudge]

Hello, I didn't know where to post. This is about my ex.

He was highly abusive, got me in a coercive control relationship when I was much younger. Lots of DV and trauma for me and the children, and a horrible divorce. He hasn't seen the children for three and a half years. I've recently moved house and he emailed me out of the blue saying he wants my address and would like to see the children. He says he 'heard' I was moving which makes me wonder if he was spying on me as we have no mutual friends now, no connection.

What can I do? Do you think I have to give him my address? Do you think he would be able to see the children? I haven't replied yet. Children are tween/teen.

I'm really frightened. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived it, but I am a hundred percent sure he wants nothing good, just terror and control. This isn't like a normal situation with a slightly flawed or rubbish dad.

Any advice welcome, please.

No and no.

It's absolutely fine to ignore him. He was probably keeping tabs on you at your old address and is feeling a loss of control because you've moved. No need to consider contact unless he gets a court order. Slim to no chance he'll get that if your DCs are 12+ and he hasn't made contact for 3+ years. Have you got a Ring doorbell and good security in your new home?

No, but I think I'll get one now.

I wouldn’t reply and definitely not provide an address. Don’t open future emails from him as he may have attached a read receipt to
know if the email address is active.

If you’re in England, then a judge would allow a 12 year old to decide how much contact she had with each parent - even zero contact so if he starts legal proceedings then don’t worry.

Like a pp said, I would lock down your kids social
media because that’s a way that he can start brainwashing them. Lock down yours and change any settings so that he can’t find the kids through tagged photos etc. Lock down your social media and ask your parents to lock theirs down too. Warn them that he could contact them and ask them to ignore so that you’re safe. Abusers are often super charming when trying to get a hold of what they want.

If your kids have social media (I know that 12 year olds aren’t supposed to have them but there could be older siblings) then ask them to make it more generic or change their profile pics. I mean “dragonfly_2468” is more anonymous than “KatieB2014”

You absolutely don't have to give him your address. Ignore the email and don't engage with him at all. If he decided to take you to court, your children's wishes and the fact that they haven't seen him in so long will definitely go against him. I'm sorry this is making you feel so unsafe again. If you feel his behaviour is tipping over into harassment, don't hesitate to speak to the police.

Possibly, @Allplayers.

It's not a percentage, though, it is an amount written into my financial order.

At 12 my ds stopped seeing his df despite a court order.. Exh didn't even contact me when ds moved to live full time with me. No judge would force a 12 year old to see the other parent. Personally I'd delete the email and don't give him any head space at all.

@Allplayers if that was that or force the kids to see him I'd make do without the money.

No judge will force a 12+ year old against their will to go on holiday or even have contact but you can’t be seen to be alienating the children against their father, that is frowned upon by the courts even with dv situations. So no don’t give him your address, don’t arrange contact privately but do say that if he wishes to resume contact please apply through the court for the appropriate order - most will not bother to even start the process. As for your maintenance, that only applies to the first year, after that you are free to contact via cms though if he’s self employed or receives dividends are a large portion of pay this may not be a good idea.

How does he know your moving. Is there a bug in your house?. I wouldn't let him in to your new home just in case.

They are two separate things.

Financial support is in the order. So if he doesn't pay, you can address that through legal means. You don't need to address it through negotiation or by agreeing to let the children see him. You simply go through the relevant legal process to ensure that whatever he has been court-ordered to pay, is paid.

I think sometimes that the long term impact of these men is almost worse than the abuse and violence they mete out at the time. The way they make women second guess themselves. The ongoing fear women (and children) experience. the fact that so often it skews how their ex partners (and children) think/feel/respond in the future.

I'm sorry you're going trhough this OP.

oh and if he starts emailing you about his "rights" just ignore it.

You don’t have to give him address.
Would the children want to see him? I’d suggest indirect contact first like he sends them a letter via grandparents address or school, or email attachment to you and you print for them. Then see how they respond. If they don’t want to see him at all then I’d go to medication to agree indirect contact.

Call women’s aid for advice. I am sorry that you are going through this.

Get a dash cam that runs continuously op.

I'm catching up on the thread but have the police put a marker on your home

Get legal advice if you want, family court will take 12yo DC view into account and there won't be any forced overnights. But legal advice doesn't hurt just to cover your concerns if needed.

If you have a landline make sure you are ex directory and if you are registered to vote make sure your not searchable that way. Ask chat gpt to give you a list of ways to make sure your not searchable easily

I would tell the school incase he attempts a pick up. Not trying to scare you just prepared is better

When this happened to me I wrote back saying that as he is essentially a stranger he would need to maintain regular indirect contact for a period of time, e.g an email to the child once a month and if this was regular and consistent after 6-12 months we could consider phone/video calls if the child wanted to. I think he managed one Christmas present then disappeared again.

I would probably ignore this first attempt at contact but if he comes back again threatening solicitors/mediation/court you can always use indirect contact as a mechanism to see if he is actually wanting to build a relationship with the kids or just get to you. It will also buy you some time and if he decides to take it to court it looks like you have opened the door for him without risking the welfare of the kids. I.e a very child focussed approach.

if the kids still don’t want to see him after he has put in effort with indirect contact he would have to take you to court anyway so nothing lost from your perspective, except the kids will be older and have more chance of being listened to.

In my experience of the family court system, you can generally buy yourself a lot of time by ignoring the request for contact. The onus would then be on your Ex to get a lawyer, request access via letter then mediation (which you can either decline citing domestic abuse or do the initial MIAM citing domestic abuse at which point they are supposed to give you an exemption) and then ultimately to apply for access by a child arrangement order.

It can take absolutely ages to get even a first hearing at which the level of court to decide the case be determined and then you enter into the whole CAFCAS process when gives you a forum to state these concerns and usually any contact after such an absence of time would be gradual and stepped - letterbox, phone call, supervised contact, unsupervised.

of course there are exceptions and the challenge of court processes is that the outcome is very individual judge and individual cafcas officer dependent as to how they view you and your Ex. At 12 years old however the wishes and feelings of your DC towards restarting contact would absolutely be taken into account.

Sorry, I see I have almost entirely duplicated the poster above me - I was typing away while that one was written!!

All responses are making me feel supported. My nervous system is in total overdrive of pure fear, and you are all helping. As PP says, it is the lasting effect of these people on your whole system that is probably the worst (after the actual threat they pose). I think if my ex was a kind of thug I would feel I could outsmart him but he is a pillar of the community type who loves legal stuff, etc.

Now I’ve got the kids home I can tell I really would hate for him to know this address.