Abusive ex suddenly wants contact - help

[TheNicestFudge]

Hello, I didn't know where to post. This is about my ex.

He was highly abusive, got me in a coercive control relationship when I was much younger. Lots of DV and trauma for me and the children, and a horrible divorce. He hasn't seen the children for three and a half years. I've recently moved house and he emailed me out of the blue saying he wants my address and would like to see the children. He says he 'heard' I was moving which makes me wonder if he was spying on me as we have no mutual friends now, no connection.

What can I do? Do you think I have to give him my address? Do you think he would be able to see the children? I haven't replied yet. Children are tween/teen.

I'm really frightened. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived it, but I am a hundred percent sure he wants nothing good, just terror and control. This isn't like a normal situation with a slightly flawed or rubbish dad.

Any advice welcome, please.

Imo he knows he has no chance. He simply wants a response. For that reason absolutely don't give him one. At all.
Not even a text message or short email back.. Nothing.

It is just
Dear fudge,
I heard that you were moving house. I’d like the address please so I can send things to the kids.
Also that made me write to say I’d like to meet them more regularly for lunch or something, no rush.
Best wishes,
terrifying wanker

from his work email

honestly OP, stating a boundary is completely pointless. The key thing about boundaries i that you can't force, or even expect, other people to adhere to them, x100 if we're talking abusive/entitled exes.

The boundary is there for YOU. for you to know and feel completely comfortable with what you will and will not accept. and, importantly, what you will/will not do in the event that boundary is breeched. Crucially, part of this is understanding and accepting that when you enforce that boundary, you may be perceived negatively.

So telling him a boundary is pointless and I would ignore the email.

if that is impossible, then a simple note like, "I will not be sharing my address for my own safety." But we both know what will happen - a barrage of emails about his rights, how you've twisted the narrative, what a bitch you are etc. So whatever you do, be prepared for that.

You’re right, @Iwanttobeafraser.

Okay, I just saw your update with his message.

I mean, come on he's written this so it appears completely reasonable... but you only have to stop and think for 10 seconds ot see it for the control tactic it is. Has he ever sent anything to the children before!? And he's saying he'd like to see them.... but no rush? Pathetic.

Even the way he's worded it suggests he'll forget about this. someone mentioned you'd moved and it triggered him to want to get back into control.

I still wouldn't reply but if you feel you must, what about:

Hi Twatface
For my own safety, I won't be sharing my address. If you'd like to send the children something, please send it via [insert some third party's address who is willing to, in theory, receive parcels for the children]. As you have not seen or spoken to the children for 3 years, meeting at this time is unlikely to be in their best interests but if you want ot write to them or initiate communication that way - via the above address - perhaps you can rebuild your relationship with them over time.
TheNicestFudge

Ime he has a new gf and is trying to appear half decent. You know he absolutely isn't.. So no need to engage.. He will accept being ignored and play Woe Is Me to the gf and she will be Oh Pet You Poor Thing She Is A Cow Just Like You Said..
And he'll continue to be The Good Guy on her eyes. For now he is anyway..

I think it's just letting you know that he's aware of you moving so don't sit too comfortably. Theres nothing about moving house that would suddenly make hm want to see his children, he just want to make sure that you dont feel too hidden away and safe. His being aware of uou moving could simply be that he went by the old address and saw someone else lives there now. He's not going to say that as it shows how little he knows - better to imply he has someone watching you somehow and give you the creeps.

For now, no reply has to be the best course of action - no need for hasty replies just because you're feeling unsettled.

I wouldn't reply and just let him take next steps if he suddenly feels so strongly about it (which I bet he won't). I suspect he's found out you're moving and wants to know the details and thinks he can use the children to find out. Can't see any court making a child 12/over have contact against their will. Try your best to put it out of your mind.

He literally just wants the control of knowing where you have moved to that is it. He has known all these years where you are and not bothered with the kids which is proof. Honestly op do not respond. Nothing.

Never, ever tell him your address. Talk to the removals firm/postman /anyone else and explain that they must never reveal where you are moving to. I'm sure if you string it out, by the time he gets anywhere like court, the kids will be able to choose what to do.

Thank you mumsnetters

Can you rent a PO box or something? For him to send his bullshitting propaganda, I mean, letters to the kids on to?

I don't think he'll see the contact re: boundary as anything other than "yes please be back in my life thank you, I was totally wrong, you are right and handsome" etc

Draft reply:

"Dearest Narcissistic Psycho/Sociopath exH,

Nice try. Seriously. Ten points to Slytherin.

My forwarding address is:
Ms Not-your-fudge-anymore
C/o please find a new victim
BS6 66FU

Fudge."

Just to flag obviously the above is a terrible idea, and I am not making light of your predicament op, just trying to highlight that this is only a power play from him.

He wants you to know that he knows that your moving

I'm still firmly in the camp of not replying, I certainly miss emails from time to time and maybe his went into your junk folder...? Just saying

He doesn't deserve any of your time or headspace. Hope you can make a great fresh start in your new home, knowing he doesn't know where you are😊

I hadn’t replied, and he sent a ‘did this get through?’ follow up. Hence me posting.

You don't have to answer here obviously OP, but is he self-employed or does he work for someone else? He shouldn't be using a work email to contact you for the purposes of harassment. Please don't reply. It's just a power play.

He works for a very esteemed org, let’s say

I can imagine. Well if it's public sector or a major employer, misuse of his work email is a conduct issue. Do take screenshots.

That’s the point about these guys though isn’t it. We know it is harassment, but it is written to seem like a perfectly loving and routine email.

Don’t use a PO Box address. You can still trace addresses back to it.

He is a rat up a drain pipe so block him.

Do not respond. Block and let it go to spam. He has had years to contact you about the kids and did not while he knew where you all were. He is spitting out the dummy because he has lost control of the situation not knowing where you are. IGNORE him. DO NOT RESPOND.

I know exactly what you mean.
Ignore. let him crack on with court if he truly wished it. Kids over the age of 12 can decide to see a parent or not. Doubt they would want to see him so court will get no where.

Oh wow ok forget my post then op