Abusive ex suddenly wants contact - help

[TheNicestFudge]

Hello, I didn't know where to post. This is about my ex.

He was highly abusive, got me in a coercive control relationship when I was much younger. Lots of DV and trauma for me and the children, and a horrible divorce. He hasn't seen the children for three and a half years. I've recently moved house and he emailed me out of the blue saying he wants my address and would like to see the children. He says he 'heard' I was moving which makes me wonder if he was spying on me as we have no mutual friends now, no connection.

What can I do? Do you think I have to give him my address? Do you think he would be able to see the children? I haven't replied yet. Children are tween/teen.

I'm really frightened. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived it, but I am a hundred percent sure he wants nothing good, just terror and control. This isn't like a normal situation with a slightly flawed or rubbish dad.

Any advice welcome, please.

Do not answer and block his email. At the moment he is controlling the narrative, and he presumably knows this will upset you. Ignoring it is the most powerful thing you can do.

You do not answer him at all. Do not open any channels of communication.

He is playing mind games and this will get him nowhere.

So I know this might be a hassle and it's not a must but I'd keep his emails - if you are happy to make a new main, secret email address (pita I know) or set up a filter so you don't have to see his emails but then you have a record if they are bullying, if he's spamming you by volume of emails or anything like that. A paper trail is something that might protect you later

....it's shit that we're never actually done with the BS but there's lots of us rooting for you, if that helps

Thanks. Sometimes I feel like my ex is so many leagues worst than anyone else’s it makes me feel alone. He isn’t a sneak, a creep type guy. He’s like full on American Psycho type.

💐 I was in a victim/survivor support session where the other's exes were also policemen, doctors, lawyers, etc, mine works in a similar position and is outwardly a bastion of morality to all and sundry.

It was in equal parts reassuring and horrifying.

@Mylastusernamewasbetter wow, I wish I was in a group like that. Did people struggle with the two sides ness of their ex? I think that is part of what makes me most frightened, that I saw him sweet talk his way out of ever being accountable for anything he did.

It depends what the terms of the divorce are-does he have visiting rights,it doesn't matter if he hasn't used them if he has visitation rights and now wants to see the kids you have to facilitate it,if not you don't have to let him see them,but you need to check.

@Laurmolonlabe we didn’t set anything up legally, he just left and decided he didn’t want to see them again.

Our divorce was all financial order and no custody order, although it does say the children will live with me.

That works in your favour because he has nothing at all to fall back on. There is no child arrangements order that he can have enforced, he has no history to show he has been committed and seeing them regularly, nothing. He will have to start from scratch with regards to getting a CAA, and questions will be asked as to why now, after 3.5 years of no contact.

Do you have any old messages or emails where he states that he no longer wants to see the kids?

I would talk to a solicitor who specialises in family law,you may be able to avoid dealing with him,but you need an expert opinion to be sure.

Wrong thread!

OK..........

My ex had a penchant for playing silly b**s so I set up a Rightmove alert that would tell me if she tried to sell the house openly.

In those days it was very simple you just asked for details of any properties that are for sale in a particular postcode.

So your ex may well have done the same - but it wont say where you have gone

The next thing is what does he do if he wants to serve papers on you for court? He can get permission from the Court to serve papers on you other than at your home address eg via family members, advertisements etc but it all takes time and effort.

Does he know your parents/siblings/work/childrens school address?

If not he's probably not got a hope

There are some specialist 'tracing' services but again he would have to know they exist and you would have to leave a trail

You dont have to have your name on the public electoral roll etc it might be worth looking at how you can best conceal your details

Because he is so frightening I have tried to walk a line between keeping myself safe and not triggering him.

My existence triggers my ex, unfortunately.

It sounds like you are still treading on egg shells around his ego/insanity (no judgement, same here)

What IRL support do you have op?

@Mylastusernamewasbetter a good friends network (which I’ve rebuilt since he left), an almost long term boyfriend, but no family except for one step-member who doesn’t believe me (‘what a shame….there’s always two sides to every story!’).

And yes I am still tiptoeing round his insanity. I don’t know whether that’s correct (the way you’d be very careful if an XL Bully or demon was in your house) or part of the problem.

I had a hard time explain my ex's kind of slow burn anger under current to others (professionals involved etc)...he could wake up angry on a random Tuesday for something I apparently did wrong 15 yrs ago.

I've read a few books which helped me a bit, Power and Control was one I have highlighted multiple passages in, I think that's a women's aid book.

Yes my ex had that. He would collect grudges and keep them in his emotional trinket box to pore over when he needed new grist for the mill of punishments and revenge, which is what he lived for, really. He was doing in effect a permanent money pit restoration job on his ego, in which every botched job was covered by a worst botched job, leading to the middle aged monstrosity he is today.

I agree with you @TheNicestFudgeabout not blocking him, it can be seen as an act of attack and might trigger him.
It’s also very easy to just create a new email address (him) and contact you anyway.

Don’t reply but contact the police, they can do a ‘target hardening’ review of your home which will include fitting additional safety measures.

I am sorry you didn’t get support from Women's Aid, you might find smaller charities that are local to you can offer better and more personal support- you can google but the police should also signpost you.
If you live in social housing you will find a specialist team with your Trust that will be a great support ( in my experience). There is help out there please do try to reach out for it.
He has no power over you or your children x

When I say ‘trigger him’ I meant provoke him to escalate his contact.

As
Already said, ignore/block.
let him go to court. Ur kids are
old enough to say for themselves to a
judge if they want to see him.
he is still trying to control you and the panic u
are having is due to him and his abuse of you. Don’t let him take you back to that horrible place.

I know @Victoriawould24, you totally get it.

Please, for the sake of your kids, do not let this man back until they are old enough to decide if they want to see him.

I think I probably would prefer to reply to state a boundary. Can anyone think of a good wording to do this? I did get free legal advice but they wouldn’t help with wording.

What's the boundary that you want to state @TheNicestFudge ?

If you were to put his message here it would help. Without being too outing of course. Poor OP, what a mess.