Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

"Been crying for two days" How do you handle life's ups and downs? Honestly, it’s just a minor glitch, not a major catastrophe, but here we are.

Of course he's forgetful.... He just doesn't give a shit

It's OP's comment "Family 100% always first. I’d never ever disappoint my children". Comes across at "Little Miss Perfect".

Couldn't have said it better!

Do you have a family @2O26 ? You come across as lonely.

So a January booking for the whole family is a prior commitment. Your DH should honour that.
Taking all the kids is not easy and not a one parent task.

Insist that there is time for him to change the booking for the lads weekend.
They have just booked it.
Ask him to inform his mates that he has double booked and ask the other lads if there is any other date, after checking with families, that would suit?
Hand him a list of all the weekends that are free.

An alternitive (one off) could be if DH can persuade his mother or another family member who is excellent with the children to accompany Op to the festival, with him meeting their extra costs.

I do have family. Not lonely but I am more of an introvert and like having some time to read books. I am on vacation from teaching so have a lot more free time than I normally do. You did pick up on that so you are very intuitive.

This whole “he gets to choose” thing is nonsense. Of course he gets to choose, but there are consequences. Op and the children are going to have strong feelings about him skipping this event. Hiding those feelings would be dishonest.

If Op acts neutral and says it is truly his choice, that is bad marital communication. She needs to be clear that skipping this trip will change the way she views him as a person. She needs to be honest that knowing their children, she believes they will also change their views of their father. It isn’t a guilt trip, it’s just a fact.

And OP saying that she "has cried for 2 days" - does not strike you as OTT?

As OP said that there is no backstory - we can only assume this is her H's first infraction in 20 years. How many of us have been married this long? And how many on here will actually blow up an otherwise good marriage over a calendar screw-up.

To me it does sound like there is more to the story. OP just sound way too emotional (with her crying and not talking for 2 days) - and inflexible. She needs to win - but in a relationship this is rarely a good long term approach.

Yes, it was your first reply that just struck me as a little off.
I mean, I can think of nothing worse than a festival with three kids but the OP and her DH agreed to it, booked it, have paid for it, have planned to meet with friends etc.
Bit shit of him now to expect OP to take three children on her own isn't it? Not fair on her, their kids or their friends.
Anyway, enjoy your time off 📚

Right!? I puked in my mouth a bit when I read that...

This almost exact situation happened with my now ex husband and it was just the final straw for me - when you start adding up all the other shit you put up with from him and all those “little” things yoU try and put aside that’s he’s done for the sake of not “making a fuss” or whatever it basically just shows where his priorities are. My husband chose to go and celebrate a colleagues birthday instead of our child’s birthday in a family get together we’d organised 6 months before and had been talking about regularly! It was the final death nail in the coffin as far as I was concerned and I told him if he seriously thought this was acceptable not to bother coming home after the weekend as didn’t want him in our house anymore and our children were so angry and upset with him on their siblings behalf - it was a special birthday too 🙄- they didn’t want him back either tbh - he blamed me for him forgetting his own child’s birthday and of course I was controlling and abusive to him because I “wouldn’t let him go anywhere” despite the fact he was always going off for his friends weekends away!
all I can say is life is a hell of a lot better now and the kids and I soo much happier without him

It’d be a killer taking 3 dc on her own. You can’t so much as take one to the toilet and leave the other 2, and if you’re camping… he’s effectively made his child’s birthday a massive shitty marathon for the op and much more stressful for the kids with mum trying to be everywhere and I’d tell him to fuck off and stay fucked off if he can’t prioritise travel plans made for his child’s birthday. His fuck up is for him to fix, not his child or wife to carry.

Tell me your kids have a crap dad without telling me they have a crap dad. Have you ever taken 3dc to a festival full of people? Dragged them all off halfway the show they wanted to see because the little one needs a wee and the toilets are on the other side if a field? Wild horses couldn’t drag me, and my dh would be out of a home. I get good wife points by supporting him to be an amazing dad, not by being a total doormat.

I agree with this, he shouldn't be guilt tripping you about it. He is a grown up now, dad before lad. Ridiculous how some men can't work that one out.

If he tries to turn it on you saying you just don't want him to go on the lads holiday then turn it back round and say:
"Too bloody right I don't want you to go. Why is that? Because you made a commitment to your family to spend your daughters birthday weekend together and you should want to honour that without making a fuss or trying to make me look bad. It should be more important than a lads holiday, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to have the holiday - just do it another time. And also don't make it my fault that you didn't check we were free. It's your own fault that you're stuck choosing between the two when you could have had both. But now you are having to choose, it will be very obvious where your priorities lie."

Wife points sounds like some sort of major nonsense!

YANBU OP - I’d be absolutely livid and I agree this is a hill to die on.
The fact he’s turning it all on you would make me even more angry.
You sound completely reasonable in all this, personally I would expect him not go on the lads trip at all.
He’ll be having a drunken time with his mates and ‘forget’ he has a flight to Edinburgh for the festival, mark my words.

Does he really have a terrible memory, or does he simply not bother to remember the stuff he thinks you should be taking care of for him?

Are there things in his life he has no trouble remembering? What about in his job?

You've clearly shown how upset and disappointed you are. Not speaking to him for two days is a childish overreaction though. I would not tell him what to do, but instead ask him a simple question: 'What would a good man do?'

If he still chooses to miss his daughter's special trip, that you had already booked, then I would be seriously reevaluating the relationship.

I agree that going alone with 3 kids would be difficult and a lot of work for OP. Friends are also going and they are staying at the same glamping pods so OP will not be alone. The trip is part of the DC 9th birthday celebration but her actually birthday is 3 weeks earlier so DH is not missing her birthday.

Do you think kids understand that this isn’t really my birthday is it’s ok to miss the party/celebration? I also don’t think my friends should be compensating for my dhs voluntary absence although of course they would help.

Is it petty? He’s choosing to miss a few whole days that are pretty important to his family. In the context of reconsidering a marriage (especially given his truly shitty reaction) a couple days of too upset to talk seems trivial. But for the rest I agree with you.

It’s not your DD’s birthday so I wouldn’t be including that in your issue - the fact it’s it’s a family trip paid for at a festival months ago, he messed up, he should be flying back Friday morning to join you

Id be too embarrassed to face my friends. They'll find out the sort of man your DH is. That is clearly on him not you. I'd still hate to try and act normally after such an experience.

.If I was your friends I'd be very pissed off that your DH is off for a boozy holiday and as free as a bird.
While I'm wrestling a group of small children including three of his.

I'm meeting demands endless times with one or another of the children while your DH raises another beer and sleeps soundly.

Id feel that when I as your friend agreed to go it was on the understanding that we are pitching in as parents to take the children away. I'm not childcare on behalf of a man who has let me down and chosen his lad mates over me.