Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

How do you know?

The thing is, if you're a forgetful person, you take steps to manage that - like putting important events into a calendar. Or checking with your other half before you book anything.
That he doesn't do this, rather suggests that the 'forgetfulness' works out rather well for him, on balance!

He's not a poor, forgetful bloke who's inadvertently double booked - he's a selfish arse who wants to go on a piss up with his mates and doesn't gaf about who he upsets in the meantime.

Must be nice to be able to do whatever you like, safe in the assumption that your spouse and friends will pick up your slack and look after your children and make excuses for your general shitty attitude!

YANBU at all OP.

He needs to tell his friends he fucked up and plan to be with his family, as booked, paid for and planned, for the festival which is how you're celebrating his daughter's birthday this year.

Personally, I think he did it on purpose ... but only you will know deep down if that's what's happened here ... and he's doubling down over losing 'betting money' instead of 'festival money' while also ensuing you'll be having to do all the heavy lifting of parenting on your own at the festival while he's on a piss up with his friends. What an arsehole, frankly.

@JDIMum did you husband want to go when you initially booked it?

Part of being a parent is doing things you dont want to do And if a child free person can work that out...................

Not physio babble. I don’t read magazines. I’ve just been around to know people react to the same scenario differently and it’s wrong of one person to say another’s reaction is wrong. It’s called empathy and yes your responses are rude in my opinion.

Absolutely. People react differently, and one should not say another's reaction is wrong. I would, however, add the caveat that this applies only if the reaction is within reason. For example, if a parent reacts by screaming or yelling obscenities at their spouse or children, or if they are so upset they lie in bed all day and won't get up to feed the little ones, then I would say the reaction is over the top and unreasonable.

It doesn't matter. Let's say it's not his thing - that wouldn't be at all surprising. But he didn't feel strongly enough to veto it, he was involved in booking it. That's agreeing to do it. He's committed to going on this trip.

His children want to do it. It's a trip for his children, in particular his daughter who will have recently had a birthday. It doesn't matter at all whether it's something he would personally want to do without his children.

Quite. Im thinking of all the soft play days I would have preferred not to go to. And how many DP managed to wriggle out of… (tbf it was usually work, but even so)

Hardly the point. He agreed and made a commune t to his kids. Now he’s flakey and feigning forgetfulness to pretend it wasn’t what he actually wanted.

I hope you’re doing ok @JDIMum

Yes obviously within reason. However I know from experience that you never know how you will react to something until it happens and sometimes how you act surprises even yourself.

So true! Sometimes my own reactions shock me—where did that come from? It's cringeworthy and embarrassing. When my husband tells me I am overreacting, that just fuels it even more. Later on, I might admit to myself that, well, maybe I did overreact just a little bit. 😀

Just as well the OP did neither then.

Yeah he won’t get an early flight back.

He’ll say he will. May even intend to. But I can almost guarantee something will inevitably ‘happen’.

Then you won’t be allowed to be pissed off bc he TRIED to get back. There was NOTHING he could do. Why can’t you just DROP it?!

Also, I’m sorry, unless he has a medical condition, he’s an adult with presumably a job. He isn’t just ‘useless’ with dates bc he can’t help it. He’s useless bc he can’t be bothered to remember, bc they’re not important to him. Work dates and deadlines and meetings with senior management will be remembered I’m assuming…. as will turning up at the airport at the right time and day to go on holiday with his little mates 🥃🍷🍻🍺

@JDIMum so he is still doubling down on his fuck up and won't consider coming back for the festival?
What an absolute cunt.
I am so angry on your behalf.

You say he has a really bad memory and has for the 20+ years of your relationship, you have 3 kids and DON’T have a family calendar???

I’m surprised you’ve made it this far without one! How?!

I agree with a PP that (altho I understand the temptation, as you want this to be resolved) you should be leaving it to him to check flights and see what all the possible options are. You doing all the leg work for him and essentially bailing him out of the shitty situations he gets himself into is precisely why he doesn’t bother remembering stuff. He doesn’t need to.

Why are people posting as though OP booked the family holiday after the husband booked his lads holiday ?!

Honestly, I think most people on here would be really annoyed if thier husband booked a holiday that clashed with an already booked family holiday that he was aware of.

@ProfessionalPirate Ah, yep - you're absolutely right. It's exactly same as an affair, completely unsalvageable, and knowing nothing about the situation bar these few paragraphs I definitely agree OP should pick up the phone and call her solicitor. Today, if possible - anything less and she's a total doormat. I have no doubt you'd instantly do the same.

What do you think - tell the kids today as well? Best they get used to their new lives as soon as possible if you ask me but you're obviously in a much better position to know OP's financial situation, whether they'll have to move, and which parent they'll see which days - given all the info you have, here on this anonymous MN thread.

Say he suddenly change his mind and go with you to the event with the kids…. It’s not exactly going to be a happy family affair is it? Can’t see much being happy in this family given this latest incident and, more tellingly, the DH’s response of absolute refusal to even apologise and in fact the OP’s response of stonewalling.

Exactly, he needs to get an early flight back, end of story 🤷🏻‍♀️

Surprised this marriage has lasted as long as it has done and seen 3 kids in to the world. Doesn’t seem like there has been much love lost between the two of them for
some time.

His reaction is concerning

How is it that men manage to hold down careers and get to work on time, lead meetings, complex business relationship etc and yet at home act like children that need to be managed and mothered? The bar is in hell.
Hope you’re doing ok OP. You deserve better.

@JDIMum is your DH still being a dickhead about this?

Has he cancelled his weekend, or the festival? Or is he trying to long it out and make excuses so it’s too late to cancel?