Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

It’s depressing how low some women set the bar for the men in their lives.

It wouldn’t be OP exploding her kids’ lives. It would be the man who prioritised his friends over his family.

If he booked the holiday without checking the dates with you, he should have been prepared to cancel it if needed. What if you had also booked the exact same days away with friends or for work and then had to scramble for care for your daughter? It just makes sense to check with each other before booking, unless perhaps he had to grab a great deal and it was fully refundable.

If he has trouble remembering dates, etc. he should get into the habit of using some kind of reference like a calendar, whether that be electronic or physical, and checking it when committing. Even if he couldn't remember your daughter's birthday, he knew something was planned and it just makes sense that he would check the dates and speak up during the planning phase with his friends, saying "xyz dates don't work for me".

Now he's let it go so far that his friends have this trip planned and expect him to come, maybe even are dependent in him coming (e.g., they've booked a house and expect him to pay a fixed %) but he also has the prior commitment to his daughter and the dates conflict. He COULD speak with his daughter and explain the situation to her, apologise, and ask if she minds his missing her birthday and the planned event (since it sounds like she'll still be able to go and you and others will be with her) and he'll make it up to her in some way of her choice. He should also apologise to you for messing up your plans that he agreed to out of what seems to be sheer carelessness and inattention.

He should NOT be blaming you for any of this, or excusing himself. It's a mess that could and should have been avoided, by him. And you should not be expected to use mental energy trying to sort out his mess or smooth things over with your daughter - let him deal with it.

I'd suspect he hadn't really forgotten the dates and he deliberately avoided running them by you because that would mean he couldn't go.

My dad never ever would have done this to me (or my mum!)

No back story I’m afraid. My children are my absolute world and come first in everything I do.
I think you only need to read 99% of the other comments to see your opinion is in the minority. I’m definitely not controlling or manipulative far from it.

Thought I was going a bit loopy thinking this bit can see that’s not the case.x

"Terrible at remembering dates" is aka cba to be an adult.
A man wouldn't f-off with the boys in lieu of family time involving a birthday or other special day.

I completely understand why you're annoyed he didn't tell you sooner. But given the choice between a family festival with a bunch of kids or a girls' weekend away—well, I know what I'd choose! I'm actually with your husband on this one. If it's an annual event that he really looks forward to, I'd cut him some slack.

99% of the comments are not saying you should divorce - they just say he is an idiot for forgetting and not checking in, as couples should do.
I am saying the same thing - he is an idiot.

But you are making it into a battle of wills. And the escalation to an ultimatum is not necessary. Is this what 20 years of marriage has come to - no benefit of doubt, no room for mistakes?

If your children are your priority - then as a parent you must weigh the fallout of divorce vs one occasion of idiot H missing a festival.
Your fight over the trip/festival may be really the case of winning a battle, losing a war.

He goes away with the lads every year.
This trip with your daughter is a once in a lifetime. Only once will she be this age and want to spend a weekend glamping with her family at this festival for an artist she loves.
if he is prepared to sacrifice that then let him- let him show you and the kids who he really is, which is an incredibly selfish man who puts himself over his kids.
They are only little once -the time goes so quickly.
If he goes on the lads trip he will irrevocably alter his relationship with your daughter. She will never forget.
He will also be teaching his kids a terrible lesson -that you can change your mind and dump people you love if you get a better offer. How incredibly shallow - no honour ot loyalty is there?
The worst thing is that is how he sees it -the lads trip is -in his mind -a ‘better offer’. He wants that more than lettimg down his daughter, his wife, his other children and his friends. ‘The lads’ as himself matter more.
Im afraid it would be a hill to die on.

Let him decide and let him sign his own death warrant.
The fact that you have been crying for two days shows how devastated you are and he still isn’t letting go.
I don’t think I could get past this if I’m honest. I could cope if it was my birthday but when it’s one of his kids?

We are worlds apart. Family 100% always first with me I’m afraid. Especially if it had already been booked. I’d never ever disappoint my children.

We are worlds apart. Family 100% always first with me I’m afraid. Especially if it had already been booked. I’d never ever disappoint my children.

The bit where he makes it my fault would have me kicking him out to go live with his friends full time and they can remind him he has kids since when I do it apparently I’m stopping him from seeing his friends.

I would be annoyed that your dh obviously thinks you're the default parent which is why he didn't run the dates past you.
However, I am sure that he will make arrangements to (grudgingly) return for the festival once he has decided how to tell his mates he's f.... d up and his dw is having none of it.

Can't be a very good marriage if you don't speak for two days..Anyhow no my DH always runs things past first even lads nights out incase we plan to do something with the kids instead and I do the same back as he has booked a few suprise breaks away aswell.Hope you get sorted

Dh always runs dates past me as he is so crap remembering.
We now have giant year wall.planner in the house with all dates on it so everyone can see as hoping to make my teens better organised

Do you have another male friend you can take along instead of him?

My other half is always claiming he forgot. I tell him no, it's just wasn't important enough for you to remember. He seems to have no problem remembering stuff he is interested in, like his son calling on a certain day at a certain time even when its weeks away.. Really pisses me off and makes me think less of him when he does it if im honest. .

It isn't about him being an idiot for forgetting. OP isn't considering divorcing him because he forgot and double booked. She's considering divorcing him if, having discovered he's fucked up, he chooses his betting mates over his children and wife.

And not just chooses them over her, but won't even split things and drop a couple of days with the betting mates to come back and do a part of what he arranged with his wife and promised his daughter he'd do for her birthday.

That's a very conscious decision that, if he makes it, tells OP a lot about where she and their kids stand in his life and how much she can rely on him.

OP, on the backstory question - is he super forgetful with everyone else as well? Doe she ever have to let his mates down because he forgot they were going out? Does he have difficulty at work because he can't track what he's supposed to be doing when? Or is it just on the domestic front he does this? Just arrangements with you and the kids he fails to find important enough?

I'd be asking him why he didn't check the dates with you for childcare? Then I'd sit back and wait for him to trip himself up.

Even if you ignore the family vs friends thing, don’t you think it’s a bit rude not to keep to the first thing you agreed to do?

I reckon he's fake forgotten, and lied, hoping that you'd say to him ah shit, never mind let's try all together another year. Perhaps he really was not into the idea at all but got swept up by all the enthusiasm from you and kids.
That would explain him swiftly blaming you, which you say is uncharacteristic. His transferred annoyance at you is the interesting bit because you say it's not typical.
He's not being entirely straight about this, he knew what he was doing, he planned to make it look like an error and thought you'd shrug it off.... A poorly judged lie. Either way, seriously not great to twist things back to you, that's the pointer.
He's lying.

This is such a dramatic post. OP’s daughter is 8. This is NOT an event of a lifetime.
If he doesn’t come - his relationship with the kids will not be irrevocably affected.

My kids are grown, or mostly grown. I have been a similar kind of mother like the OP - prioritising kids 100% and always bending backwards to make sure they come first, their needs come first, etc.
Their father did not when they were small.
But they do not remember much from the time when they were small. No lingering disappointments from him missing events, etc. He did step up later, when they were teens and this is important, and what they remember.

So i second the statement that this particular hill is not worth it.
You say your H is always forgetful. I am sure even the kids know he is disorganised. And the friends of 20 years that are coming to the festival - also know. So - no one will be surprised if you tell them what happened.

You seem to be strangely fixated on the fact that the ‘trip has been booked’. Both trips have now been booked. Question now is how to resolve this - as both of you are possibly using this as a a way to settle some accumulated resebtments.