Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

I think it’s really annoying and he should have checked but I would say it isn’t a hill worth dying on. That being said he should be checking in with you before booking (not for permission but to check there are no date clashes)

Look, it’s poor on his part. But he’s an adult, he gets to choose. Don’t pressure or blame or get angry with him. That makes it easy for him to claim he’s the victim.

Just remind him that it’s your DD’s birthday and you already have plans, and ask him which he’ll prioritise.
I’d judge him, you judge him, but ultimately he has to choose.

YANBU but if he was any kind of decent father he’d have immediately cancelled when he realised the clash of dates.

If he cancels, he needs to be happy about it, though. I wouldn’t want him to come if he’s going to be moaning about it all the time he’s there - that would spoil it for everyone else.

if he doesn’t cancel, I’d actually be re-evaluating the relationship. His family should come first.

So give him the choice & if he chooses the lads holiday I’m supposed to just be ok with that? That just does not sit right with me.

Well at least you know what his priorities are.

He is a dick for forgetting. I'd want to tell him to sort his life out - a grown man not organising his own diary 🙄 Is this a usual thing for him - you said he's prone to being forgetful - does that often impact you and your family?

He should cancel. It's 100% his fault and is only trying to pass the blame onto you to make himself feel less guilty.

So what would you do
Keep him under lock and key?
Hopefully he will choose to do the right thing,if he doesn’t he is showing you what he is

Stupid man.

Is he really thinking you will go by yourself with your children and the other family.

His place is with you and his children, esp as it is a child's birthday celebration - one of his own children !!!

shame on him

I wouldn’t be happy OP, how convenient to forget, I bet he wouldn’t forget if the bookings were the other way round! I feel for your daughter too, he obviously either didn’t remember her birthday or ignored it, pretty poor behaviour.

I think I’d be asking him how’s he going to sort it out and if he decides to go on the lads trip then HE needs to explain to his daughter why he’s chosen to miss her birthday celebration (and I wouldn’t let him
lie and say his trip was booked before and he forgot).

Men put themselves first. They ARE the children!

he’s already agreed to do something that weekend and he should stick to it. As pp said, if the mates holiday had been booked first he wouldn’t have forgotten when booking the festival.

I'm not sure I’d be able to even look at him if he chose to go with his mates tbh

It will also massively impact the other family. 3 adults changes the dynamics massively. Festivals are amazing but fucking hardwork with 3 kids. I wouldn't want to be in their shoes either.

This is the sort of thing (diary disorganisation) my DH would do and yes it’s a stupid and thoughtless thing to do but are you seriously going to make him cancel it? I certainly wouldn’t let him live it down but why can’t you all go for the weekend with your friends and he goes on his lads trip? My DH once booked a trip to Oktoberfest so he was away for DD’s birthday. We had agreed it in advance, he was expected to pick up the slack/make it up to us when he got back. He had a great time and brought Covid back with him we had a lovely time for her birthday and everyone was very impressed with me for managing the birthday party on my own plus I got major wife points for being cool about it.

Expect him to go around with a big face on, if he does go to the concert. It won’t be fun for anyone! Not your fault, of course. But he will say it is.

What kind of a dad wouldn’t be saying “oh my god sorry I’ll unbook my lads trip immediately because it’s MY DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY that we already arranged with a load of friends”??? This boggles my mind and my husband would never do anything like this without us discussing it first and the child being okay with it. He sounds terrible if he still wants to go on his lads weekend! He needs to want to rearrange, otherwise I’d be ‘rearranging’ our marriage….

Remind him about his own daughter’s birthday?

The family holiday was booked first. He should be honouring his first promise, let alone the fact it's his daughters b'day.
He's been an idiot, but it's not worth the silent treatment, he'll prob just dig his heels in if met with this.

So his pals are more important to him.than his family. He is prepared to let you all down, and the friends you are going with, for a singles holiday with his pals.

He has shown you clearly where his priorities are.

If he goes ahead with this selfish holiday then I wouldn't be able to feel the same about him going forward. You will know how unimportant you and your DC are to him.

No you don’t have to be ok with it. But you need to decide if there are consequences, other than him explaining to the family and your kids including birthday girl as to why he won’t be there.

Hes and idiot. Also an adult. He shouldn’t need you to mother him to make the right choice - the family trip was booked first.

His children will remember. His mates won’t.

His choice to determine the kind of man he is and the example he’s setting for his kids.

I mean most of that is pretty good to go into a message to him.

I find with DH sending him a message gives him the opportunity to think before arguing back and digging his heels in

All you can do is give him the choice because what’s the alternative? Tell him he’s not allowed to go? Tell him you will divorce him?

I don’t think you are just supposed to be OK with it but you can’t not give him the choice. I’d choose the family weekend, you would to. But he has to decide for himself what he wants to prioritise.

Yep, he’s being a twot. And to try to blame you and guilt you on top is terrible behaviour. But he’s doing the guilting thing because he knows he’s fucked up.

Please ignore the (hopefully few) idiots on here. I don’t know what’s up with this place these days, posters treating Relationships like it’s AIBU.

"Look, it’s poor on his part. But he’s an adult, he gets to choose. Don’t pressure or blame or get angry with him. That makes it easy for him to claim he’s the victim."

Soooo ... OP should let him get away with this selfish shit so that he doesn't DARVO her?

Screw that! Let him DARVO, OP. This would be a hill to die on for me because it shows how he prioritises himself over his own children. I'd lose respect for him.

You teach people how to treat you. If you let your shit H get away with this, he'll do it again and again. And your kids will be getting the clear message that he cares more pissing about with his little buddies than them.

This is how I am feeling! The family trip was booked FIRST so he should cancel! Either that or get an early flight back! I have no issue with that if he wants to go for a few days. None of this is MY fault. I’d never book a girls trip without running dates past him first just to check he’d be ok to take days off work for childcare etc.

Totally how I feel. I’m not saying he can’t go - he absolutely can but he’d need to to be back for the weekend? It was booked FIRST? Not my fault he’s ‘forgot’. To turn it round on me is mega pissing me off too! I’d never restrict him or stop him doing stuff with his friends but I feel this is taking the piss! No apology no nothing?