Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

I’m not trying to fix it? I was only looking at options to see if he could still go but come back early?

Then you put that ball in his court and don’t give him options. As I said this is his fuck up to fix. Let him look at flights home and yes you are trying to fix it by even looking at options for him.

He should cancel lads trip 100%. He made a commitment to the family first. It’s a shame he fucked up the dates but hey ho, he can go next year.

Both DH and I go away most years separately with our friends for a few days but if either one of us messed up our bookings, then whatever was committed to first would take priority. That’s just basic manners.

I wouldn’t be happy being left to solo parent 3 children at a festival. I feel like he knew but did it anyway. Why would anyone not run dates past their partner and work first?! Does he think it’s fine that you’re now going alone with three children? He is being very selfish. I think. I’d tell everyone what he’s done. Maybe he needs feedback from the group including your daughter.

Not looking for a lecture thanks 👍🏼

But you came on here asking for opinions.

He’s a man who chooses his friends drinky weekends and god knows what over his children. When he’d already committed to his child. I had a DH like this when my kids were small and I no longer have him. Things are better. Good luck OP

Opinions yes but not a lecture. Feel you’re being a bit arsey if I’m honest. Thanks for your input.

I'm the arse who would do this in our relationship - DH is very mindful & diligent about dates but I need to check the calendar every single time else I WILL double book.

But if this was me then my only reaction would be feeling mortified i'd forgotten & changing/ dropping out of the plans with friends. No debate, no question.

It's really insulting & distasteful that he's tried to flip his own mistake into somehow you being controlling.
Does he normally go on the defensive if you express you're unhappy with his behaviour?

So he expects you to go on holiday on your own with 3 young kids to a festival?

He is their father, he shouldn't need you to ask him to come home, early he should be offering it. And he then turns it on us. What an AH.

God our standards are so low. Honestly I never put up with shit from my DH. This would end a relationship in my book because it'll become a pattern and probably already is. Give him an ultimatum. He comes back or F's off.

Kinda how I feel. He’d normally always run dates past me but somehow didn’t this time? I’m very mindful it’s a big group of guys & not easy to get a date that suits all. I haven’t spoken to him again about it - haven’t spoken since yesterday morning. I’m annoyed the immediate response was not an apology or to say he’d get an earlier flight & come home!!! Just so ignorant & selfish!!!! Trying to make out I have an issue with him going on holiday with his friends???

Yes very much always on the defensive unfortunately 😢. Not his best trait tbh.

Oh I absolutely wasn’t being arsey but you are coming across as trying to fix his fuck up, he’ll never learn if you do. If he manages to hold down a job without being forgetful or does hobbies without forgetting I’m failing to understand how he managed to book a lads holiday not knowing there was already dates booked for his child’s birthday.

I do get why OP checked - so she knows that she’s not expecting or asking for the impossible when he intimates that she is.

This! It certainly reflects very poorly on him if he chooses the holiday with his friends over the one booked first with his family.

He's made himself look even worse by trying to deflect blame on you for his mistake by accusing you of always making him going away with his friends a problem. What a ridiculous thing to say under the circumstances! Of course him double booking and then clearly showing a preference for doing the friends holiday is a bloody problem!

Was he fully aware of the dates of the festival and involved in making the arrangements and he just forgot? Or did you talk about it and then you booked it yourself?

How do you usually communicate/log family events and appointments? Most people keep a calendar updated with this sort of stuff (either electronic or old fashioned paper type). Reading between the lines, you make it sound like you're the family diary and that he should've checked dates with you before booking his own thing, which is bordering on controlling behaviour.

If however, he was fully aware of the dates and arrangements for the festival and forgot all by himself then that's his fuck up and he needs to sort it out (personally I'd be backing right out of the lads holiday in order to keep the family plans - children come before mates surely?)

In my experience taking young kids to festivals (even family friendly ones) single-handed is bloody hard work. It takes almost military levels of planning. I wouldn't blame you for saying you don't want to try it by yourself, so if he doesn't come the whole thing is off for everyone. Unless your friends are close enough and willing to give you a hand.

Seems he's not forgetful when it comes to things for himself to enjoy.

A considerate and thoughtful person would have checked dates with their spouse PRIOR to booking. That and the defensiveness/turning it back on you are the main issues here. I'd be livid too.

This may well be the straw that broke the camel's back, but sadly his defensive attitude may well be a barrier in him not changing his selfish, thoughtless ways.

I get what you’re saying but I honestly couldn’t be bothered having to do that to prove a point.

Is this for real?

He was 100% fully aware of dates. He paid for the glamping pod & has the confirmation email.
I’m definitely not controlling I’m not asking him to run dates by me so I can say he can or cannot go. It’s more to check there’s nothing else on. Just the same as if I was booking a girls holiday (which I have in September) I would double check with him he was ok to take time off work for childcare etc. I just think that’s common courtesy. I’m sure you’d never just go ahead and book a holiday without mentioning dates you were thinking of to your other half.
We don’t have an official family diary or planner maybe this is something we should think of after this happening 😢.

It is a bit ‘Twilight Coolwife Zone’. I assumed it was fodder for another site but maybe it’s not and it’s actually someone’s real life? Scary thought.

if he chooses the lads holiday, you take fro that what you will and make your own life choices accordingly. alt you silent treatment and bully him into doing what you want and you remain tormented over whether he'd have chosen to choose you, he's miserable and the DDS birthday gets ruined.

let him dog his own grave

OP - is there a back story? Are you unhappy about the relationship? Or are you generally very high strung? Or have you bundled 20+ years of resentment into this emotional reaction?

I get that it is annoying that he is disorganised. But making this festival the reason you throw your toys out of the pram? It is a massive overreaction.
Imagine - it is 10 years from now. And you have to explain to your grown kids why you exploded their - I presume - reasonably happy life? The damage you are threatening to unleash on your kids - is not really proportionate to the crime your H committed.

Of course, you are most likely just being manipulative, and this is just a threat to make him do what you prefer. But this is not great for a relationship.

I'd tell the kids their Dad was silly and forgetful, and now you and them are glamping on your own. There will be other friends with their kids - so it won't be all that hard on you. And your kids will have a great time at the festival anyway.

If you really want to divorce - divorce. You don't need to invent a reason.

OP, you say he normally checks dates with you? In that case, he didn't check twith you this time because he already knew the dates clash with the family trip. So he booked it anyway and 'forgot' to mention it.

I wonder what would happen if you now said you had booked a girls' trip away for the same dates, and had just 'forgotten' to mention it. You could point out that he will have to take the 3 kids to the festival by himself whilst you have your girly holiday. He should be fine with that, otherwise he 'clearly doesn't want you to go away with your friends'.

Anything less than an apology and arranging to cut his trip short would have me seriously re-evaluating the relationship, especially as I'd suspect he knew he was double booking in the first place.

it's an entirely different situation.

you threw a party, perfectly reasonable to do alone. you agreed he didn't need to be there.

op is looking at a festival alone with 3 kids having agreed to go as a family and them having paid for his place.