Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

Another here that thinks he knew exactly what he was doing.

I bet if he didn't do those dates, then the lads trip would have happened without him.

I think you were expected to say " Oh what a cock up, never mind I'll go with the kids myself".

Yanbu. I'd not be pleased he booked a holiday without speaking to me first about dates and making sure we didn't have anything on. I'm sure if you turned round and did same to him he'd not be pleased. Being forgetful is one thing, being inconsiderate is another, your husband is the latter.

I'd take very dim view of him if he picks the lads holiday, he should either rearrange it with the lads to a suitable date or not go. However you can't make him pick the way you want him to, that would be controlling. Hope he makes the right choice for DD's sake though.

Based on your responses, YABU. You're arguing with anyone who doesn't see things your way and refusing to acknowledge that, while what your DH did was thoughtless, it's not the end of the world and completely forgivable.

For me HE would need to be the one to apologise, admit he’s fucked up and suggest the solution (flying back) or cancel his trip off his own back - anything less wouldn’t end well for the relationship I’m afraid.

Thing is, if he cancels his trip and goes to the festival he’ll have a gob on him for 4 days so you’d be better off on your own anyway.
lose lose
YADNBU

Once the dust settles, perhaps put a shared family calendar in the kitchen?

Or get a digital one, but I like the physical kind. They're harder to ignore and have nice pictures.

Yes, it is more work for the OP, but I find calendars quite psychologically rewarding, somehow. Also, if she tends to have to nag the husband about dates/times anyway, then it's just adding structure and efficiency to what's already going on.

Husband is wrong, but if OP went on the attack, he probably fell into defensive mode. (He shouldn't, of course -- however, it is a very instinctive reaction for many people). The more OP pushes, the more likely he'll dig in.

The best outcome is if he can move the guy's get together so he can attend both. Hopefully that works so everyone is good.

OP did say this was part of her birthday celebration (or her birthday present?) so I assume she is also having a birthday celebration on her actual birthday.

Major wife points for being cool about it ....

What am I reading? Women don't seriously still subscribe to this way of thinking do they?

I’m fuming for you and it’s not even my situation! Also fuming reading all the people saying “it’s not a hill to die on” I’m sorry?! He’s just forgotten he had a family holiday and family obligations that weekend, well tough luck he needs to cancel his lads holiday and grow up!

Can you imagine if OP booked a girls weekend then and just left him to it?! Honestly this is just another case of incompetence on the husbands side and very irritating. He needs to suck it up and cancel the boys holiday, and he needs to cop himself on for the future. Turning it back on you as well saying you don’t like him having a lads weekend is honestly so infuriating! That is not what is going on here sir.

Hope he does the right thing OP!

‘Are you seriously going to make him it cancel it?’
Er, yes, rather than cancel on me and our children, on their birthday.

I can see how this is really annoying and thoughtless but I do think the OP is overreacting. She could just go without him, she won’t be totally on her own, her friends are going too, and the oldest is 11, it’s not as if it’s 3 toddlers. I’d just go ahead and enjoy it without him.

Do you think the friends will be annoyed at the change in plan?

I know I would. DH is basically saying to them as well as his DD that they are less important to him than a different trip booked after these plans and that they can pick up his slack in helping to look after his kids. Plus (assuming that the other friends are also a couple) the Dad might be disappointed that he does not have a mate to hang out with now. The dynamics of the trip have completely changed. This decision by DH could really damage the friendship.

Sorry I’d want to grab a shovel if my partner got so defensive like that, it gives me RAGE. The ‘you always have a problem’ to flip it on you and not deal with it omg OP how do you cope.

Do you have a shared calendar? Either on your phone, or on the wall? How do you keep track of family commitments etc?

If you have a shared calendar and the trip is marked on it, and he didn’t check it before booking the lads holiday, then he’s the asshole and needs to cancel and stick to his original plans.

If he refuses to, I think this would be the beginning of the end of the marriage for me.

Oh no I would be absolutely fuming about this too if it were me. I’m sorry but what do you mean he’s booking boys holidays when it’s his daughter’s birthday? The grown lads are no longer a priority and he can always arrange a couple of nights out or something to compensate but his little girl is going to be so disappointed her dad isn’t there and that’s unforgivable . I hope you don’t let him off the hook with this.

The DD's birthday is three weeks before the trip. The trip is more of a birthday present to see a Scottish singer she really likes. So, yes the Dad will miss this family trip (which is not good) but not her birthday.

She’s crying because he’s putting his “lads” grown men before his daughter and she knows it will hurt her babies feelings

He committed to the festival he should go to the festival and not let his kids or you down. However if he does miss the lads holiday/ come back early he will be in a foul mood and likely spoil the weekend anyway.
unfortunately you can’t win op.

It wasn’t a mistake OP, he knew what he was doing which is why he didn’t check with you. If he is refusing to change or cancel that shows that. He’s using his history of forgetfulness as an excuse because it seems plausible and then blaming you. Not OK.

Thus wasn't agreed in advance though? And the problem is the sulking reaction and throwing of false accusations to put OP in the wrong. He should own his mistake and cancel the boys holiday.

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️

He is going to be there for your daughter birthday, that’s what is important.
personally I couldn’t be arsed with the drama and choose my battles!

Is he this useless at work, or does he somehow manage to pull it together iin a work environment?

@JDIMum I would be fuming as well.
He should come back early from his trip.
He needs to have some consequences for his fuck ups & learn that he has to step up with organization.
You are not his parent.
3 DC at a camping festival is fucking hard work.
He's a prat for not checking the dates.

FYI - Google calendar saved our marriage. We found it hard to arrange stuff separately and as a family. It all goes on the calendar now.

The bar really is on the floor isn't it?

I mean we talk a good game as women believing ourselves to be equal but in the end we are just here to service the mens needs, while they stalk about the earth doing what the fuck they like, reading some of these responses.

My EX husband did this and I let it go the first time.. and then there were more.
No excuse for not saying hey the lads are suggesting x date for our trip /does that work for US.