Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

Never as bad as this! He’s occasionally sorted a night out when there’s already been other plans in place but nothing like this. He is a good dad, he’s not out drinking much at all & at the weekends we do lots together as a family.
That said I always have to remind him if we have stuff on, sometimes two/three times as he has a terrible memory! 22 years together & he has always been like that.

It would be the death knell of my relationship if he didn’t come back.

So if he chooses to go the boys holiday I just take the 3 kids to the festival myself - even though that was booked first? Don’t think that’s very reasonable tbh & to me that is a hill worth dying on!!!!

I agree, I’d never be able to let it go.

Pretty much how I’m feeling if I’m honest. Have cried for 2 days.

Keep him under lock & key??? Absolutely not! I’m not that type of wife? But as a few ppl have said I think I’d need to re-evaluate the relationship!

In his defence (not that I’m feeling like defending him much with all of this) her birthday is 1st August and the festival is 21st/22nd August. I know he’s super forgetful but when it was being booked if only he’d said to me the dates?? I just don’t get why he didn’t run the dates past me first. I have no issue with him going away with the boys at all - he does it every year but this is just so rude to me! I’ve been seething for 2 days & now I’m thinking if he says he’s going on the holiday & not coming back for the festival I actually want to call it quits on the whole relationship!

If he misses his lad's trip this year he might learn to put things into his calendar and check it in future! If he does decide to go but come back for the family holiday maybe he could fly back to Edinburgh (Nathan Evans festival is at the Royal Highland Centre which is right beside the airport). This still leaves you with organising getting three kids on holiday on your own. If he doesn't completely cancel his later booked trip he explains to your children and mutual friends why he is bailing.

Sorry not the same thing I’m afraid! This weekend was already planned before he booked the boys holiday. Your husband ran the dates he was away past you & you agreed you’d manage the party? I did not agree to go to a festival with 3 kids! THIS WAS ALREADY BOOKED!!!!!!

He should come back early

got major wife points for being cool about it

Can even be bothered with this goady drivel

What date is your daughter's birthday? Are we saying he didn't even think about that when he booked the other trip?!

Absolutely feel the same! I’d never do this! I always check dates I’m going away with him, not for permission but just to check there’s no clashes! I’d be mortified if I’d forgot something like this, I’d be apologising & no contest cancelling the other plans I made. Im
fuming he’s turned it back on me making out I don’t want him to go away with his friends? Absolutely not the case!!!!!

Is he not also friends with the festival friends?

Is he bit even embarrassed about letting them down (if he can't bedecebt to you/the dc).

If we were the other family then I would be v pissed off about being dumped as the whole event would be different . Does he not see what he is risking here?!

Daughter’s birthday is August 1st - so in his defence he has at least kept clear of that. Lol.

He’s wrong, you’re right and right to be angry BUT he has to make his own decision and you have to step back from this and let him fill the void otherwise he’ll either go with the lads or cancel the boys blaming it on you and being a PITA on the family trip.
he has to make the (hopefully) right decision all by himself.
if he goes on the lads trip, you focus on getting a pal to come with you and make sure you have a ball without him ( this may be your future too, I hope it’s not)

OK sorry I posted before reading all the posts. I couldn't be ok with this though, I think he needs to cancel the other trip, this was booked first and is a family thing.

No, most men don't do this.
Most are there for trips away to a festival/child's birthday when they already have agreed to plans (unless they have a very good reason for not doing).

I’m not looking for wife points, I’m not even looking for him to cancel it completely but I am looking for an apology & for him to say he’ll cut the boys holiday short by 1-2days for the sake of spending an already PLANNED weekend with his family & friends!!!!!!

Yes we are all friends for 20 years plus - I haven’t told them about any of this yet!
I obviously haven’t spoken much to him about any of this yet! Too angry to be honest. Even if he apologised & said he’d sort something out to get back in time for the festival I’d be totally fine with that. But instead he’s turned it back on me saying I don’t want him to go the boys holiday!

Yep, I know and I agree with you. In case we’re at cross-purposes here online (!), I was quoting another poster who was doing that ‘cool wife’ thing and in such a bizarrely obvious way that it looked like a bit of a piss-take.

I think what your husband is doing by turning it on you is out of order.

Also I really hope he comes to his senses tomorrow, and he does, as pp have said, make it HIS decision.

I had looked into this today & looked at Ryanair flights to Edinburgh that would get him back in time to join us.
I absolutely think you are right he needs to take more responsibility for his own diary, just all feels a bit sneaky to me. Why not mention the holiday was being booked & the dates they had planned? I’d never ever book something without running the dates past him to check he could take time off work for childcare etc.

He’s “super forgetful” is he? Does he manage to hold down a job without forgetting important dates? Does he manage to go to hobbies without forgetting when their on? Did he manage to remember the boys trip? Of course he did! Why partners put up with this shit is mind boggling. If he was mine he’d either be coming back to do the weekend originally planned or reschedule his holiday. It’s not difficult to keep to dates already planned in a joint calendar. This DH is someone who relies on their partner to remind him of where he’s meant to be and has the audacity to blame her when he’s booked a holiday over an already planned event. His lads holiday is clearly more important to him than his child’s birthday event, I’d be re-evaluating my marriage unless he sorted this out to be at the event originally planned.

I couldn’t be with someone this disorganised.

I had looked into this today & looked at Ryanair flights to Edinburgh that would get him back in time to join us.

WHY are you trying to fix HIS fuck up? This is on him to sort. He needs to take responsibility for this. Edited to add you’re not his PA and the longer you sort his life out for him the longer he’s not going to take responsibility.

No no lol I knew you were agreeing with me & thank you for the advice. I feel I’ve been going a bit nuts with this over the past two days. You know how it is sometimes you think ‘is it just me making this into a big deal’. I haven’t posted anything on here before but wanted to see what others thought. It’s good to know I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you 🫶🏼.xx