Partner says he is no longer in love and refuses help

[Pashy24]

We have been together 4 years and have a dd together 2yrs old he also has 2 dc from a previous relationship. He told me 6 months ago after a big argument that he wasn't in love with me anymore but still loves and cares for me. This all stemed from a couple of years of me shutting down my emotions and going through a really bad depression that I tried so hard to hide but all the time I was pushing him away which I deeply regret and hate myself for but now also realise this wasn't me this was someone I didn't know and don't want to know again I wasn't myself at all. This has had a really bad effect on him causing him to feel unloved and on his own, since then I have opened up and told him everything that was going on he says he understands but the damage is done he agreed to try and fix things but he never put any effort in while I put everything in trying to repair what I broke. I now feel like he is using me in a sense as when he has his children at weekends he lies around in bed till the afternoon while I deal with all the children,he lets me run around after him and them, I do 99% of childcare for our dd because he works but even on days off he just mopes around,I do all the things a partner should do he says thanks but I can't seem to get out my head that if you aren't in love with someone why would you not want to stand on your own two feet and do things for yourself. I have asked him to try couples therapy as a last resort and he is so against it. I'm clinging on to this as I don't believe this is all down to just this relationship he told me he has no enjoyment in anything anymore,he feels numb and just wants to be left alone by everyone I really think he may be in a depression and this could be why things are the way they are(speaking from experience)but he refuses to speak to anyone. I love this man with everything I have and I worry deeply about him. He leaves here he leaves everything and has nowhere to go which is another worry. There is also a pattern as the exact same thing seemed to happen with his ex after she had a child she went similar and he left for same reasons! Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get over loosing the only man you have properly loved?

What's loveable about a man who can't be arsed with his own children?

This is the thing this wasn't him this has only been over the last year or so. He is constantly tired and run down and I try my best to help where I can to take as much pressure and stress off him as I can.

What is he tired and run down from... if he does nothing?

So he's wants out but he doesnt want to take care of his children or manage his own house so he stays with you, having you wait on him hand and foot while he does fuck all and tells you he doesnt love you?

Lovely.

Perhaps you need to show him the door if life with you is so miserable for him.

“Only the last year” so “only” 50% of your youngest child’s life.

Maybe you need to take another tack instead of smoothing his way at this point.

Trying to do everything and not trouble him with your feelings isn't working. Sucking up the information that he doesn't love you anymore but staying in the relationship tending to him isn't working. No-one loves their doormat, they don't value it.

If he's physically or mentally unwell, he needs to seek help.

You need to confront him and make some changes. This isn't sustainable.

He's done this with his ex and with you. This is who he is.

This is what I keep saying to him I'm no doctor but I speak from experience and I honestly think he is in a depression.

Next time it's his weekend with his children, get up early and tell him you're off for the day, on your own.

I asked him last week why he keeps staying and trying again to which I was told "because you ask" I'm sorry but if I felt that way about someone I couldn't stick around even if they asked. I might be deluded but I think he does want it but scared the same will happen again so scared to open up and let me back in.

I think the reality can be that caring for a partner while they battle mental health issues (or other health issues) does take an tole and can change feelings. Even where you don’t want it to or do all the right things. He has been honest about how he feels now and why he thinks that is. That must be awful but it doesn’t sound like he’s blaming you, and he might be sad about it too. Or he might just not be cut out for the ups and downs over long term. Sorry you are going through this.

Well he isn't going to get any better lying in bed while you take care of his kids. He isn't making an effort in your relationship... so believe what he is saying and doing.

Get up and out of the house weekends so you aren't responsible for his older kids. Don't make them breakfast, tell them go wake their dad. I'd be giving him ultimatums... get up and sort your life out or get out. Tending to him and his children isn't going to help him.

I told him I think he struggles when things get tough he wants everything rosie and that just isn't life having a baby changed a lot and I think longer down the line its not that you aren't in love with your partner its just a different love as you have more responsibilities and priorities.

I'm trying to step back but his kids come to me for things before him like they have noticed it also.

And you need to redirect them to their father...

I've asked him today to keep some distance from me and give me space to think because I now feel maybe if I'm not so available for him he'll see what he's loosing. I'm not saying I'm amazing but we do still have all the foundations of a relationship just he isn't in love with me or anything right now.

Yeah I agree especially when he didnt even know the full extent of it because I closed off which I deeply regret and hate myself for I blame myself for it all and for the breakdown of a family,relationship and breaking him but I'm also trying to forgive myself for it aswell as it wasn't me that person wasn't me.

Yeah I should but I also love and care for those kids and don't want to ever seem like I'm taking anything out on them.

Of course... that why initially I suggested you just get up and leave the house, easier if you arent there to deal with them.

But at the end of the day, if he's rotting away in bed, and not even caring for them or spending time with them then he needs a wake up call.

He might be depressed, or he might be a lazy dick. Either way he has kids he needs to get up for.

It’s not complicated, you are stuck with an extremely lazy man who stays with you because you do stuff for him but he wants you to know he doesn’t love you because a) you try harder b) you have zero expectations from him.

I had severe PND, I still cared for my child. He’s full of shit, put him out and stop looking after his children for him.

He jumped on the defensive when I told him if he chooses to leave he won't be getting out dd overnight as I can't trust him to wake up with her to which I was told "I'm more than capable of looking after my children" I told him he has a funny way of showing it and he has nothing else to say.

This.
You've posted looking for advice but I don't think you're ready to hear it, the same way he is not willing to take your advice. You cant make a relationship work on your own, he's using your depression as a stick to beat you with and opt out. You need to give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

He sounds like a guy who likes women, gets them pregnant and then can't be arsed with the reality of life. He moves on. You get men like this with children littered all over the place. It's not anything you've done. Do yourself a favour and get shot of him.

He'll never find out if he keeps refusing help he thinks being on his own will help everything I can't help but think it would make it worse.

But if he doesn't WANT help... no matter you do it won't help. And that's assuming it is depression. I know you think you are right but tbh it sounds more likely he just doesn't like this stage of childhood and will be much happier alone. You can't a fix a relationship on your own.