Partner says he is no longer in love and refuses help

[Pashy24]

We have been together 4 years and have a dd together 2yrs old he also has 2 dc from a previous relationship. He told me 6 months ago after a big argument that he wasn't in love with me anymore but still loves and cares for me. This all stemed from a couple of years of me shutting down my emotions and going through a really bad depression that I tried so hard to hide but all the time I was pushing him away which I deeply regret and hate myself for but now also realise this wasn't me this was someone I didn't know and don't want to know again I wasn't myself at all. This has had a really bad effect on him causing him to feel unloved and on his own, since then I have opened up and told him everything that was going on he says he understands but the damage is done he agreed to try and fix things but he never put any effort in while I put everything in trying to repair what I broke. I now feel like he is using me in a sense as when he has his children at weekends he lies around in bed till the afternoon while I deal with all the children,he lets me run around after him and them, I do 99% of childcare for our dd because he works but even on days off he just mopes around,I do all the things a partner should do he says thanks but I can't seem to get out my head that if you aren't in love with someone why would you not want to stand on your own two feet and do things for yourself. I have asked him to try couples therapy as a last resort and he is so against it. I'm clinging on to this as I don't believe this is all down to just this relationship he told me he has no enjoyment in anything anymore,he feels numb and just wants to be left alone by everyone I really think he may be in a depression and this could be why things are the way they are(speaking from experience)but he refuses to speak to anyone. I love this man with everything I have and I worry deeply about him. He leaves here he leaves everything and has nowhere to go which is another worry. There is also a pattern as the exact same thing seemed to happen with his ex after she had a child she went similar and he left for same reasons! Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get over loosing the only man you have properly loved?

I'm taking a step back from helping him so much other than what I do for our dd everything else he needs to learn to do for himself as that will be the reality for him when he leaves all I will lose is him financially right now but that I can sort out.

He doesn’t have to hear them because he knows you will get up! He probably does hear them and chooses to ignore because you’ll get up anyway. If he was alone he would have to sort the children. You can’t stop a dad from having his child overnight if he wanted to because you ‘wouldn’t settle’

Easier said than done but I need to try my hardest. I didn't prioritise him for a long time but I've obviously now explained why to him amongst other things I had the baby all day and night on my own, tried to run a house and tend to the child while he was at work but even when he came home I still didn't feel I had time for myself, I lost myself and can't seem to find her again, every one of it needs where met but his big issue is he didn't feel loved or wanted as I hardly showed him affection like random kisses and cuddles but reality I was burnt and worn out by the time he got in from work we still spent time together watching tv and that just I wasn't hanging off him at every given opportunity.

If my childs safety is a concern then yes I can. He can see her as much as he wants it just won't be overnight until she is a bit older. He watched her the other week while I went to do something I was away for half and hour and when I came in he was lying sleeping on the sofa while our dd was running around I'm sorry but I don't agree with that.

Stop wasting time on this man OP.

Accept he is the lazy and selfish type who goes from woman to woman and is unable to sustain a long term relationship or look after his children. He will never change,

Dump him and get on with your life free of all the drama he brings to it.

His other children are older and reality the safety and wellbeing of them are down to him and the mother. I'm not sure what it was like before when he had his kids before he got with me and left his ex but probably the same as he had his mum to help him he tells me he done it all but i'll never know fully if that is true.

Both relationships seem to have hit 5 years and had kids involved and got too much for him I now wonder if having children puts his nose out of joint as then all the attention isn't on him. Sorry but that's reality of kids they always and should always come first.

This.

He has a nice financial set up and personal servant. He'll moan but he doesn't have to do shit because you let him.

'Set his spirit free' and kick him out.

Your life won't change but you will be free from the miserable git who has no other problem but lazygititus who just abdicates all responsibility.

This isn't your problem to fix. You can't fix him. No one can not be fixed. You need to learn this.

If he wants to change, he has to want to himself. He has made it clear he has no interest in doing this.

Cut your losses. It won't get better.

Withdrawing from him for a long time was not good for your relationship and it is right that you acknowledge that, however it also needs to be understood that you had the huge physical, mental and hormonal changes of pregnancy, birth and new motherhood. It is widely accepted and long understood in society that this can cause depression in women. You had reasons! Now you have recovered and are a good, loving mum. The love and care for your DD shines through in all your posts.

What are his reasons, really? If you scratch the surface they all come down to not liking his changed lifestyle. A lifestyle that he has literally chosen to create by having three children. He knows this but it is far easier to mope around blaming you.

He will literally drag you down again if you are not careful, whereas in many ways you could have a better future without him.

'we do still have all the foundations of a relationship just he isn't in love with me or anything right now' No, you don't.

Make plans for him to leave now. Start building your own life and in the meantime, you go out when his kids are here and . tell him to take them out. Do no childcare for them just bee kind and polite when you see them.

You can do this.

Easier said than done but I need to try my hardest.
No, you don't. You need to realise yours and your children's self worth. He doesnt want to try... hes actually been very explicit about this. Nothing has changed in 6 months yet here you are breaking your back begging him while he lays in bed and plays games ignoring his children?

I know it's hard to hear but you came here for.advice presumably and you've ignored the vast majority of people who are telling you to let him go. Instead you are blaming yourself (it isn't your fault you had a health condition) and making excuses for him... even though it's a complete Deja Vu where every single time his long term partner has a child he flakes off.

To make it worse you don't even trust him around your daughter which is alarm bells all over! Stop wasting HER time on a man who can't be arsed if you won't do it for yourself.

Gosh I wonder why you had pnd? Isn’t it curious it’s so much more common with an unsupportive partner.
id say since you are done with the relationship, you need to leave. I appreciate it will take you a couple of weeks ti sort something, I’ll be taking dd away the next weekend your dc are here so you can parent them.

This

I've admitted I was wrong so many times to the point even I'm fed up hearing it I can't change what I done or how I felt I wish I could because it has had an effect on a lot of things not just this. He obviously doesnt like his lifestyle even though he has everything he needs, his thing is he wants love but reality over time all the excitement fades and it becomes a different love which I think he struggles to accept he says he doesnt but nothing else explains it he's chasing excitement and attention.

OP you really aren’t listening to anyone . All you’re doing is defending him .
“He’s not the sense person he use to be good “
I mean really? You knew him for 5 minutes and let him move in , then 5 minutes later you were pregnant . You had no time to get to know the man .
Who pays the bills ? As it sounds like you have a cocklodger.
He not depressed , this is who he is . Wants the excitement with no responsibilities .

He’s checked out of all responsibilities.
He’ll stay until he finds a new unencumbered fun girlfriend. Simply because it’s easier. You do all the kid care, you feel guilty, he gets support for feeling frustrated essentially by the burden of his kids.
Then he’ll move in with new girl and demand your child 5050 as he won’t want to pay and his fun new girl will look after her. You won’t be able to object because he’s her father.

From the outside it’s so obvious, and you’re playing fools waiting game jumping around serving him like Little Lord Fauntleroy.

I'm not ignoring it I know what needs to be done but I also can't help but blame myself just the way I am. I did have a health condition and obviously that was and is too hard for him to deal with as he never got the attention he needed I would be more thankful that the mother of my child could still get up everyday and deal with our child,made sure everything in the house was done,ran all errands for him,me and our dd, made sure his children had everything they needed when staying all while feeling how they felt he had it lucky it could have went a whole different way I've seen it happen. So yes he needs to go I'm not heartless or nasty I have gave him 2 weeks to find somewhere and sort things out then he can leave in the meantime I'm pulling back from most of what I do except for the care of our dd.

He hasn’t let as he had nowhere to go . He will leave when he meets someone else who offers excitement and a place to live .
You need to toughen up

We knew eachother for a long time before anything happened so it wasn't like he was a stranger we actually had a very good friendship before any of this. All bills are shared and he is a very hardworking man to the point that has caused issues with the amount of overtimes he does really that could also be to escape responsibilities but making it look like he's trying to provide more.

Can't be that bad or unhealthy for him then if he's still happy to stick around and be dragged down! He has 2 weeks to sort something and in the meantime I'm pulling back from everything except the care of our dd which I do anyway but as for kids he needs to parent them they are his responsibility not mine anymore.

You could but he could also take you to court

You need to leave him, he’s not going to change and he has no respect for you.

His children are his responsibility and not yours, yours is your own child.

Highly doubtfull his ex stopped him seeing his kids for 3 weeks and all he done was mope around about it. He financially can't get a lawyer. Like I said he can see her as much as he wants just not overnight. My dd adores him I wouldn't do that to her either.

He might not have known the full extent but if he had any bit of emotional intelligence he should have known it was PND and it shouldn't have been a big mystery to him. Perhaps he should have given you more of a break but he didn't bother did he?

How old are both of you?

Just to summarise, you met at work and were good friends whilst he was with his ex? If so that's a red flag

You got together within 2 months, he lived with you because he after the ex he was living with his mum, who was likely to be providing childcare. Another red flag.

After 2 years you had a child and give up work, did everything at home and for his children but withdrew sex? Is that correct?

If so, 2 years is when honeymoon tends to end and reality bites. Many people, often men can't live in the non honeymoon phase and the grass looks greener. They switch off because they want the excitement that only a new relationship brings.

If he's staying could it be that he doesn't have a new "good friend" at work to move onward to?

My instinct (and others have shared) he's the type of man who has multiple relationships but can't love, so when the going gets tough he will find an escape. However if he can't find someone else to wash his socks and make dinner why would be move out?

You on the other hand are feeling overwhelmed by guilt and want the family unit to continue, which is very understandable. He will continue to play you until you get tired of it or he finds another "good friend", preferably one with a place to stay in.