Partner says he is no longer in love and refuses help

[Pashy24]

We have been together 4 years and have a dd together 2yrs old he also has 2 dc from a previous relationship. He told me 6 months ago after a big argument that he wasn't in love with me anymore but still loves and cares for me. This all stemed from a couple of years of me shutting down my emotions and going through a really bad depression that I tried so hard to hide but all the time I was pushing him away which I deeply regret and hate myself for but now also realise this wasn't me this was someone I didn't know and don't want to know again I wasn't myself at all. This has had a really bad effect on him causing him to feel unloved and on his own, since then I have opened up and told him everything that was going on he says he understands but the damage is done he agreed to try and fix things but he never put any effort in while I put everything in trying to repair what I broke. I now feel like he is using me in a sense as when he has his children at weekends he lies around in bed till the afternoon while I deal with all the children,he lets me run around after him and them, I do 99% of childcare for our dd because he works but even on days off he just mopes around,I do all the things a partner should do he says thanks but I can't seem to get out my head that if you aren't in love with someone why would you not want to stand on your own two feet and do things for yourself. I have asked him to try couples therapy as a last resort and he is so against it. I'm clinging on to this as I don't believe this is all down to just this relationship he told me he has no enjoyment in anything anymore,he feels numb and just wants to be left alone by everyone I really think he may be in a depression and this could be why things are the way they are(speaking from experience)but he refuses to speak to anyone. I love this man with everything I have and I worry deeply about him. He leaves here he leaves everything and has nowhere to go which is another worry. There is also a pattern as the exact same thing seemed to happen with his ex after she had a child she went similar and he left for same reasons! Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get over loosing the only man you have properly loved?

He's never once came and told me he's leaving and its not that he won't see his daughter he can see her as much as he wants just not overnight because I couldn't settle he never hears her if she gets up during the night and doesn't get up with is other kids even though when they wake in the morning they are like tornados In the house lol that is a worry thing for me and only looking our for my daughters safety.

If you really wanted to go and it had such a bad effect on you why would you not leave even when someone asked you too? I've been here before with a previous relationship and I walked away because it dragged me down he begged and pleaded with me numerous times and I still had to leave as it wasnt what I wanted.

Look see it from his perspective, he could “look after” his own children for a bit whilst having loads of time off parenting and a fun girlfriend and time to himself. Now his lazy arse is back to where it started again, of course he’s down in the dumps.

I have zero sympathy for men who don’t just get on with it when women in the same situation the world over deal with worse every single day. He doesn’t actually want to be a dad. I think thats clear. It’s not actually you, he just doesn’t like his lifestyle. Having said that if he actually had any love or respect for you he would get up and pull his own damn weight. Stop feeling sorry for him and start feeling sorry for yourself that you’ve poured so much into a cup with a hole in the bottom.

Because otherwise he would have to look after his kids whereas with you he can mope around a bit and you’ll do it for him. If he leaves you he’ll have to look after 3 kids regularly and no-one to clean and cook.

I think I'm struggling with it more because I blame myself for the whole breakdown and have bent over backwards to try and change things for all of us not just us. I now need to try and change my mindset that I'm in as I have a dd that needs me she adores her father and the thought of taking that from her also kills me but she relies on me 90% of the time for everything and I can't let her down.

When do you get time for gaming?

I'd hazard a guess not 2 nights ... not any nights a week,

Did anything anyone specific trigger your depression?

I feel like he has gaslit you into believing you are the problem.
He may not be all bad but you will drive yourself insane trying to make a man who has checked out love you again. He has told you how he feels, believe him. I know how difficult that is but you can’t control his feelings and he should have more respect for you than to lay on a sofa while he watches you desperately try to get him back.
Tell him to leave, he doesn’t get to break your heart and lay back and watch.

Not if you have a cushty setup with your partner running around after you trying to make it right, I’m afraid it sounds like he’s getting a lot out of this situation.

In my experience, there is a certain type of man who won’t leave until they have something else lined up. I’m really sorry to say OP that he sounds a bit like this as he was so quick to move on from his last relationship, it comes across like he would rather live with a woman, even unhappily, because it’s convenient for childcare and possibly housing.

I get it- I’ve been in a similar situation, I was desperate to believe he was depressed because it was better than accepting that he just didn’t feel the same way about me as I felt about him. Unfortunately, in my case, he had another woman but was hedging his bets in case that didn’t work out. I’m not saying that this is what’s happening in your case. But I do think you at least need to be open to the idea that he’s not depressed, he’s just an arse who goes off relationships when the reality of children and responsibilities hits. You really deserve better OP.

Well arent men the lucky ones that can pick and choose when they want to parent! Its a lot of regret I have that I caused all this in the first place now I'm wondering if it would have went this way anyway as its not the life he wants same happened with his ex first child they had lots of ups and downs he was in and out the house a few times they sorted things for a while then decided to have another child and she had similar struggles to me and he left for the same reason he wasn't in love with her anymore seems to he a pattern.

He’s the problem OP, not you, you have gone above and beyond, this is just who he is and it’s not good enough. Don’t let him make you think anything is your fault. It is reasonable to expect an adult to behave like an adult. Best thing is just put him out, there will be less work with just you and your daughter to take care of and you can give more to her if he isn’t sucking up your attention and time.

I think you need to try and let go of the idea that you caused this. It’s very handy for him to have you believe this because then it gives him an excuse for his piss poor behaviour. I suspect that he would have started behaving like this regardless.

Think of it this way. You withdrew from him for a bit, let’s imagine for a minute that he is genuinely still upset about that and no longer feels the same way. Even if this were true, it doesn’t explain his attitude towards his kids. His children have done nothing to him, yet he’s punishing them by opting out of being a decent father.

I'm trying to make up for the way I was for 2 years of the relationship not just with him but my dd aswell even though she doesn't understand I do and I can't help but feel guilty for all sides of it.

You’ve only been together 4 years and you said you shut him out for 2 of those years. Your big argument was 6 months ago so this means you’ve only had 1.5yrs of good? That’s a lot to recover from and I’d suggest couples counselling. However if he’s genuinely no longer in love with you, I don’t think that can be changed?

I can admit where I am wrong and I was I never gave him any love,attention of affection because truthfully I didn't even want to be here I got up everyday and done what I had too and by the time it came to night and time for us I was totally burnt out mentally and physically. This was ongoing for 2 years basically until I eventually admitted something was wrong and it was round about then he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and hadn't been for a long time that hurt like nothing else.

He's not interested in that said he doesn't think these things work. Nearly 5years we had a great relationship the first 2 years then things started to take a dip mostly over his ex and her constantly relying on him and him doing everything for her just because she has his kids. I really don't know now I put it down to a depression but maybe its me causing that with him being here so rather than staying because I ask he should grow the balls to walk out because he knows for a fact I won't put him out as I love him far too much and want this far too much.

Not an interest of mine lol and he doesn't go on till dd is in bed although recently he's been putting it on through the day to do certain things. I don't mind him doing it its something he enjoys and also that's my time for me to do what I want.

Let him go. He sounds like another child that you are having to appease.
Life is ok without a man. I managed being a single parent for over 10 years and we are both happy.

Yeah so he doesn’t like being 2 nd priority after you have baby, he’s a man child and wants looking after.

He is using you and he is a terrible father. How can you love him? Get rid ASAP.

He is not up to parenting your daughter alone OP. She would not be safe with this man.

@Pashy24 my wife has essentially done the same to me but at the moment i very much still love her, the problem is that when a man is emotionally ignored it starts to eat away at them, i can’t say yet whether i’d get to a point where i didn’t want to at least try to throw my all in to get back what we had but what i do know is that with every day that passes i try to convince myself that i don’t want her, the alternative is to convince myself that i do then get the cold emotions, that hurts way more than having no expectations or emotionally muting myself, maybe your partner has done the same, maybe he shut down his emotions to protect himself and now he can’t see a way back or maybe he’s scared that if he lets himself show those emotions again he’s going to get hurt.

You didn't break him 🤗. He was already broken. He did this to his Ex, she didn't break him either.

Please stop making excuses gif him, it's not your fault & living him hard with change who he is.

you need to separate
he needs to get help
you need to move on

He'll have to go to a parent, other family , friend, council.

you need to get on with healing & making life happy for you & DD.

You said you ‘want this’, what exactly is it that you want? 3 kids running around and their dad either ignoring them while sleeping or scrolling or watching telly instead of meeting their needs, what exactly is it that you are so in love with or want this much because this is no environment for kids to be in sadly. You sound like you are suffering from guilt but you need to move past your PND because everyone in that house deserves better than he is giving.

It happened just after I had my daughter but as usual I tried to deal with it alone with no help and it just spiraled to then things from my past getting to me that never had before I had locked them away and thought it was all dealt with obviously not.