Partner says he is no longer in love and refuses help

[Pashy24]

We have been together 4 years and have a dd together 2yrs old he also has 2 dc from a previous relationship. He told me 6 months ago after a big argument that he wasn't in love with me anymore but still loves and cares for me. This all stemed from a couple of years of me shutting down my emotions and going through a really bad depression that I tried so hard to hide but all the time I was pushing him away which I deeply regret and hate myself for but now also realise this wasn't me this was someone I didn't know and don't want to know again I wasn't myself at all. This has had a really bad effect on him causing him to feel unloved and on his own, since then I have opened up and told him everything that was going on he says he understands but the damage is done he agreed to try and fix things but he never put any effort in while I put everything in trying to repair what I broke. I now feel like he is using me in a sense as when he has his children at weekends he lies around in bed till the afternoon while I deal with all the children,he lets me run around after him and them, I do 99% of childcare for our dd because he works but even on days off he just mopes around,I do all the things a partner should do he says thanks but I can't seem to get out my head that if you aren't in love with someone why would you not want to stand on your own two feet and do things for yourself. I have asked him to try couples therapy as a last resort and he is so against it. I'm clinging on to this as I don't believe this is all down to just this relationship he told me he has no enjoyment in anything anymore,he feels numb and just wants to be left alone by everyone I really think he may be in a depression and this could be why things are the way they are(speaking from experience)but he refuses to speak to anyone. I love this man with everything I have and I worry deeply about him. He leaves here he leaves everything and has nowhere to go which is another worry. There is also a pattern as the exact same thing seemed to happen with his ex after she had a child she went similar and he left for same reasons! Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get over loosing the only man you have properly loved?

I think this is the case and I've told him time and time again it won't happen again but I also know its not easy to come back from that aswell. Maybe a break and some space and focus on ourselves could work or maybe not time will only tell.

I so agree with this. I’m sorry but you are being a doormat. This man is bringing nothing to your life, you feel so guilty and to blame that you are trying to do everything for him. I think you would be better asking yourself if you really want to continue your ‘relationship’ with this lazy arse man who doesn’t appear to have any interest in parenting any of his 3 children.
Start using your brain to build the best life for you and your child. You are not responsible for this man’s happiness and no matter what you do, you are likely doomed anyway. He really needs to grow the fuck up.

Hang on. You had a bad spell, and he is using that as an excuse to be distant.
And now you’re jumping through hoops trying to win him back?

Why is it ok for you to work your ass off for him when he is distant, but when you were distant he punished you by saying he doesn’t love you?

This is not a good guy

Because the man he was before all this was everything I wanted and more. If he was struggling with something I would never hold any of this against him but he is a very stubborn person and won't open up about his feelings other than he feels numb and feels like he has lost himself nothing is fun for him anymore but for his kids sake atleast he should be trying to get help and not want to just sit and rot on his own. Been there and done it and its got me here so I know how hard it is to admit it almost got too late for me and that's when I realised I needed help I would hate that for him but I also can't force anything.

The bad spell did last 2 years which is a long time I get that but I also can't help but think he sat and watched it happen and yes I said I was fine and everything else but he knows me well enough to know I wasn't it wasn't his place to help me but also was as my partner. He said he has nothing more to give as he has gave everything he can and can't seem to feel different.

I feel like I might be now as he's told me he's tried long enough and nothing is changing said he's felt like this for 2 years but only decided to tell me 6 months ago couldn't have been that bad lol and if it was and this has now caused him to be this way with not only me but his kids then really he's wrong. I did wrong and I know I did I didn't give him what he needed but how can you give all that when you are mentally and physically exhaused and fighting a constant battle with yourself daily to keep going.

A lot of men will stay with someone they don't love, until someone else comes along to take their place. In the meantime, he gets to have a nanny and a maid.
If I was you, I'd be planning my exit rather than waiting around for him to bugger off when he finds someone else.

Yeah he says he still loves and cares for me but its starting to look the opposite. Can't tell someone you don't want them and not in love with them but also expect them to help with all your day to day things and run around after his kids when I run around all week after our dd then get an extra 2 every weekend.

Could very well be the case I have asked the question and got told no obviously doubt he would admit that. I don't think he is capable of being on his own as he's never had to be. Lets hope the next one is able to put up with his shit when his true colours eventually show.

I'm trying to stop blaming myself I messed up but I have admitted I was wrong and explained everything in great detail which wasn't easy. My dd is my priority now and I need to realise she needs a happy mum and home she loves her dad and it will upset her when he leaves but she will get used to it same as lots of kids have to.

How do you get over losing the only man you have ever properly loved?

I don’t think anyone’s answered this yet OP, so I’ll try. Losing my first love totally broke me. I remember finally understanding why they say “broken heart” because I felt like I was dying of sadness. I too thought I’d been the problem by being too needy etc. But looking back, he’d stopped loving me after a year and just didn’t have the guts to break up with me, so I’d just gotten needier and more dependent on him and anxious over the years as I felt him becoming more distant and less interested. I left him in the end even though I still loved him because I realized he would never love me.

Being single was the making of me. I discovered all the things about myself that I never could have while my life revolved around trying to make him love me. A few years later I met a man who truly loved me. And then I understood what love can really be and what it really is to feel safe and supported, and to support the other person, through sickness (including mental illness) and health.

In the 20 years since I left him, I have seen my ex repeat the same pattern again and again with various women. He gets obsessed, is passionate and caring, then loses interest after a year but doesn’t dump, just waits for them to get miserable enough to eventually leave him. He’ll never change. This sounds like your DH to me.

You are right that no one should say they don’t love you and then stay with you. This is proof that he really doesn’t love you. To get over him, you have to learn to love yourself. And the first step is valuing yourself enough to leave him.

Honestly, he just sounds like a selfish and lazy arsehole, who lurched from leaving two children, to his mother’s house, into becoming a father again, taking minimal caring responsibility for parenting his THREE children.

He sounds like a selfish dick. OP, can you afford therapy to explore why you're investing so much into someone who little deserves it. You'd be much better off without him.

The phrase here is don’t flog a dead horse
he’s told you how he feeels don’t try to “help” where he doesn’t want help
just leave surely that’s for the best and have a fresh start

My problem is I didn't love him enough or atleast show it. I've had a long term previous relationship that was very toxic and abusive and when he came along a few years after it took a lot for me to open up and let him in but it also all happened quick as he was everything I had ever wanted he sat and gave all the same promises they all do and I've been stupid enough to believe it all again. The reality is he doesn't love me anymore I'm just finding it hard to accept as what we had before I took unwell was amazing. I do need to take time for myself and try and find myself again that's something I lost years ago and has never returned and if anything has got worse over the past 6 months because I'm now trying to save something that he doesn't want to save and blaming myself for everything and looking for reasons why rather than just the reality it is what it is.

No he's always been stubborn with things like this and clearly doesn't want help from me or anyone else and I just need to face that and quick.

I know why myself but no therapy isn't an option at the moment. That man is the first man I let in after a long term toxic and abusive relationship, he was everything I wanted and more, he treated me in ways I had never been treated and was also a very good friend before our relationship. I had shut myself off from relationships after my ex and it took a lot for me to let him in and as usual all the promises at the start that they feed you reality is things got tough his feelings got hurt and he's now unable to come back from the damage that was done.

He's using the behaviour to make you compliant and the results is you doing everything. He then gets to sit on his arse and moan whilst you worry and stress and squash any feelings you might have as he MUST take priority. I'm betting this is exactly what he did to his ex and what he will do to the next girlfriend. You have a choice continue to put him first or wake up and put yourself and your DD first.

This is the thing this wasn't him this has only been over the past year or so that he's started to be so lazy and just a different person he isn't the fun bubbly man he was before even with his kids and its sad to see him be this person now wondering if this relationship has caused him to be this way as he has stated he lost feelings a long time ago (first I heard for it was 6 months ago) but if it is and it was dragging him down so much he also should have spoke to me and left.

He worry and stresses over everything and everyone elses problems but doesn't seem to be that worried about ours. He stands to lose so much I know you can't make yourself love someone but to build anything back up you need effort,patience and an open mind and he doesn't seem to have any of them at the moment.

This! This feckless man needs to learn what a condom is and use it! Honestly I feel for all the kids in this situation.

OP you know you need to end this relationship.

This sounds massively frustrating and worrying for you @pashy24.

But you are overlaying your thoughts and feelings as to how YOU would act... Sadly plenty of (usually) men, will hang around in a relationship as its just convenient.

So...i think the crux here - does he have depression or not?

If he doesn't... Then he needs to either engage in couples therapy or leave...

If it is depression, he needs to see his GP and then you go from here...

Doing nothing in either scenario is NOT an option!!

That was all about him. You need to stop you have a tiny human in your care if you can't bring yourself to put you first try to put her first. Stop worrying and caring about a man who doesn't worry and care about you. A good relationship is where you both prioritise the other ones needs. No matter how much you prioritise him it won't magically make it a good relationship as he doesn't prioritise you. Listen to what everyone on this thread is telling you. You will never get these tiny toddler days back and he is stealing them.

He’s expecting it OP because you keep doing it for him!

Something I will never know as he won't go anywhere to find out and get help. We've tried to sort it ourselves for past 6 months but that isn't working so I suggested couples therapy as one last ditch attempt, I told him if we had exhausted every avenue and it was still like this then it was done I may be being selfish but it think that would be easier for me but his attitude is it doesn't work he doesn't believe in it even though he's never done it before and neither have I but reality is he isn't willing to try anything but happy to stay for his convienience.