Partner says he is no longer in love and refuses help

[Pashy24]

We have been together 4 years and have a dd together 2yrs old he also has 2 dc from a previous relationship. He told me 6 months ago after a big argument that he wasn't in love with me anymore but still loves and cares for me. This all stemed from a couple of years of me shutting down my emotions and going through a really bad depression that I tried so hard to hide but all the time I was pushing him away which I deeply regret and hate myself for but now also realise this wasn't me this was someone I didn't know and don't want to know again I wasn't myself at all. This has had a really bad effect on him causing him to feel unloved and on his own, since then I have opened up and told him everything that was going on he says he understands but the damage is done he agreed to try and fix things but he never put any effort in while I put everything in trying to repair what I broke. I now feel like he is using me in a sense as when he has his children at weekends he lies around in bed till the afternoon while I deal with all the children,he lets me run around after him and them, I do 99% of childcare for our dd because he works but even on days off he just mopes around,I do all the things a partner should do he says thanks but I can't seem to get out my head that if you aren't in love with someone why would you not want to stand on your own two feet and do things for yourself. I have asked him to try couples therapy as a last resort and he is so against it. I'm clinging on to this as I don't believe this is all down to just this relationship he told me he has no enjoyment in anything anymore,he feels numb and just wants to be left alone by everyone I really think he may be in a depression and this could be why things are the way they are(speaking from experience)but he refuses to speak to anyone. I love this man with everything I have and I worry deeply about him. He leaves here he leaves everything and has nowhere to go which is another worry. There is also a pattern as the exact same thing seemed to happen with his ex after she had a child she went similar and he left for same reasons! Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get over loosing the only man you have properly loved?

This just about sums it up
you need to leave this manhole take your child with you and leave him to sort his other ones out
by staying you are enabling this idiot!

I have gave him 2 weeks to find somewhere and sort things out then he can leave
Tbf I think this is the first time on the thread you've actually said that you've told him to leave within a certain timeframe (unless I missed it). What was his reaction?

Yeah he should have its not uncommon. He maybe took our dd for an hour or so now and again when he came in from work before she went to bed but he worked 5 days a week then had his kids on his days off plus seems to take all the overtime going as he "likes to help out"

Said he'll sort something as soon as he can.

Yes good friends for a few years both in relationships but he told me he always had an interest in me which I was oblivious too🤦🏻‍♀️ no sex wasnt withdrew obviously it wasn't as much as it was which was a problem for him as he has a high sex drive but reality after a baby a women doesn't seem to for numerous reasons his thing was that wasn't as much, he felt like he got no affection from me and that I didn't want him which wasn't the case. He spoke to me a few times about how he felt and I told him it wasn't that I didnt love or want him I was just very run down,tired,stressed and didnt like myself either, his answer was he still found me attractive and wanted me in all the same ways and I didn't believe him which I did I just couldn't change how I felt at the time.

Sorry both 35

Spoke to him yesterday and told him I need space from him and he has a couple of weeks to sort something else but in the meantime keep a distance but not be nasty to eachother, he's since got up early this morning, tidying up the house,asking if I want to do something with the kids today and if I want to sit down tonight and watch something. The answers are no as I need time to think and focus on me!

i think he does not know the meaning of giving you space. I think you have to be more literal/direct

So you behaved completely normally for a new mum, just as I did and every other woman I know did and now he's punishing you for not putting him first. First over your baby and first over you as a mummy. Honestly bin this loser.

This is either a look I can do it on my own or a she's not trying now how can I pull her back in. Plus side he is spending time with his kids that's a good thing for them and me.

He also deserved to feel loved and I never once told him I didn't if he asked me if I still had the same feelings for him I told him yes because I did its just that our dd was taking all my attention which is normal then on top of that 2 bonus kids that I felt I had to provide the care for also to a certain extent all while trying to find myself again and navigate a life I had that had totally changed.

He also deserved to feel loved
Stop making excuses for this absolute man child

Its the reality but if he can't accept why it was and see it for what it was then there is nothing I can do he's hurt and so am I.

Maybe he should have behaved better then and shared the load with the baby when you were struggling, maybe he should have appreciated the attention you did give him instead of whining he wasn't getting enough sex. If he didn't feel love then it sounds like its because he had unrealistic expectations given the circumstances.

I keep asking him this if he is chasing what we had before hand and he tells me no he isn't stupid that doesnt work that way but really I think that's what he needs attention,excitment and freedom with no responsibilities. He takes his kids never misses time with them but that's 6 days out a month he would then have all his other time free for him and maybe that's what he needs when all I was fighting for was a family both have different expectations of that.

Well if he's not stupid then that's worse, because then he knew things would change but chose to wallow anyway and just do overtime rather than supporting you when you needed it. He wasn't even doing his own share with the baby.

He's told me this morning that he's scared I'm going to hate him as I've put so much effort in and nothing changed. He sat around for 6 months watching me give my all and I honestly don't think he did try or atleast not hard enough, he doesn't want our friendship to end and for us to hate eachother. Reality is why watch someone put all in and you put nothing in but expect the person not to hate or resent you he should have left at the start regardless if I asked him to stay.

I think in time you very much will resent him because you'll realise that this wasn't your fault and yet he gave up on the relationship and family when your daughter was only 1, and that he should have supported you but didn't.

I think I already do deep down which I never wanted to do.

Honestly... unless he needs to speak to you about your daughter, don't listen to his bullshit anymore. He's only said that this morning to guilt you into thinking he cares because you've told him to leave.

It's not your fault 💐

From your comments it does sound like part resentment there but there's still a bigger part of you that's taking the blame.

Has he ever expressed to you that this wasn't your fault or has he let you beat yourself up over it repeatedly while he plays the victim?

No he has told me its not my fault but it also doesn't change how he felt or feels which I understand also.

I don't want to lose a friendship either and be able to be civil for our dd but right now I don't think its a good idea we both need to focus on ourselves and see what happens from there.

attention,excitment and freedom

Yep, that's probably what he wants and he can't function in a mature family relationship.

You said he had always liked you...what energy, time and attention do you think he was giving to his ex whilst he was focussing on you?

I'm sorry op but if he had another offer, such as a single woman with a house I think all his effort would disappear. You didn't cause him to stop loving you. It's a choice he made because he wasn't getting the attention and the excitement from a new relationship had worn off.

It's harsh to say this but it's better that you accept him who he is rather than blame yourself.

I only know the side of the relationship he gave me I've never spoke to her we don't really get on but I have wondered how both relationships have ended in the same sort of way. I don't think there is anyone else just now but maybe someone has caught his eye and he thinks she has what he needs.