Partner says he is no longer in love and refuses help

[Pashy24]

We have been together 4 years and have a dd together 2yrs old he also has 2 dc from a previous relationship. He told me 6 months ago after a big argument that he wasn't in love with me anymore but still loves and cares for me. This all stemed from a couple of years of me shutting down my emotions and going through a really bad depression that I tried so hard to hide but all the time I was pushing him away which I deeply regret and hate myself for but now also realise this wasn't me this was someone I didn't know and don't want to know again I wasn't myself at all. This has had a really bad effect on him causing him to feel unloved and on his own, since then I have opened up and told him everything that was going on he says he understands but the damage is done he agreed to try and fix things but he never put any effort in while I put everything in trying to repair what I broke. I now feel like he is using me in a sense as when he has his children at weekends he lies around in bed till the afternoon while I deal with all the children,he lets me run around after him and them, I do 99% of childcare for our dd because he works but even on days off he just mopes around,I do all the things a partner should do he says thanks but I can't seem to get out my head that if you aren't in love with someone why would you not want to stand on your own two feet and do things for yourself. I have asked him to try couples therapy as a last resort and he is so against it. I'm clinging on to this as I don't believe this is all down to just this relationship he told me he has no enjoyment in anything anymore,he feels numb and just wants to be left alone by everyone I really think he may be in a depression and this could be why things are the way they are(speaking from experience)but he refuses to speak to anyone. I love this man with everything I have and I worry deeply about him. He leaves here he leaves everything and has nowhere to go which is another worry. There is also a pattern as the exact same thing seemed to happen with his ex after she had a child she went similar and he left for same reasons! Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get over loosing the only man you have properly loved?

Yeah same I had pnd that obviously carried on into depression but I still did 90% for all night feeds because he had work,all during the day while he was at work and then when he came home all whilst running a house aswell. I've asked to give space just now so I'm stepping back and not being so available.

Our dd was a surprise and before her our relationship was great but that was no responsibilities that isn't how life works. I think he struggles with how relationships change he says he's not stupid and realises that things change but I think the change in love gets to him its not that you aren't in love just life gets hard sometimes and love evolves over the time.

Stop deluding yourself.
Take some control here.
He’s a lazy arsed excuse for a father.
He’s using depression as his get out clause.
Come on mother! Read what we’re all telling you.
You’re wise to step back. Stop doing so much for him & yr step kids. It’s possible in a gentle way to occasionally refer them to Daddy.
Im sorry you’re dealing with this. He’s dragging you down.

Stop hating and beating yourself up over it OP. It was probably hard for him but it sounds like you’ve done everything you can to turn things around. He’s putting you through similar now and it doesn’t sound like he hates himself for it. Normal relationships go through these ups and downs.

He might be depressed. He might equally have learned that when he treats you meanly, you become extra keen and do more than your fair share. It works for him to have you worrying about him and waiting on him and his kids.

Even if he is depressed, his responsibilities are still his responsibilities- and this includes behaving decently to you. Is he really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, if he checks out when things get tough? What happens if heaven forbid you become ill or something?

Is he a gamer?

A lot of things make me think it is he doesn't seem to have an interest in anything he does the same thing everyday and just always looks down. When I ask what he feels he answers with nothing he feels like he is just surviving day to day and that worries me I care deeply about him and love with everything I have the thought of him suffering really upsets me but I also can't force anything.

I was going to ask this… You still got on with doing things - child, home etc… Even when it were depressed & not yourself. Because you had to. Women don’t often get to opt out. Between you & his ex, the kids are sorted.

This. Stop doing things for him and go out in the morning and leave him to parent.

how ling was he single before he met you?

Yeah but he isn't on it all the time mostly 2 nights a week.

But if he's not happy in the relationship then he's going to look down... honestly I'd be asking him to leave the house if he stated 6 months ago he wasn't happy and nothing has changed. Maybe he'll realise what he's missing when he's out on his own... or maybe he'll be happier.

Not very long maybe around 2 months or so. Things moved very quickly and he had moved from his mum in with me within 6 weeks. We knew eachother before we got together through work and started as really good friends

You say your relationship was great before your child came along as you had ‘no responsibilities’, but he already had two children, so he’s always had responsibilities - he just doesn’t sound like he took them seriously.

What you are probably now realising too late is that he’s too selfish to parent his own children properly, and expects you to do it.

When he moves on to the next woman, she will also be expected to provide childcare, and the cycle will continue.

Sounds like a bit of a hobosexual.

If he would actually admit it was a depression I wouldn't be starting to feel as annoyed and angry as I am and would support him in anyway possible as I know how it feels I also know how hard it is to admit aswell. He is getting made to step up more with his kids rather than mugging me off.

He had his kids the same when we met and never expected me to do anything for them although I still helped its just who I am. He was a great dad and loves his kids I know that or I would never have had a child with him I would have got shot of him and done it alone.

I'm sorry but if I felt that way about someone I couldn't stick around even if they asked

I’m sorry but if someone said that to me I wouldn’t/couldn’t let them stick around

Yeah I had no choice like most mothers and if I'm honest I wanted to because even though I felt how I felt I still loved and cared for my child and didn't want anyone including him to see me as a failure.

I need to grow a backbone but in reality I'm scared to lose him because its not just him its everything we have built together,family,kids and the security and safeness he provides me even when things are rough I still have all those feelings.

But he can't admit he's depressed if he's not.
I know obviously none of us can know the full story but it genuinely just sounds like you are hoping he's depressed instead of just acknowledging that he's checked out of the relationship.

You aren't supporting him now... you're babying him.

This has crossed my mind and I have asked him if this is a taste of my own medicine on how I treated him he always says no he would never do that. I'm taking a step back and not being so available for him just now we are still living together as there is a lot to sort on both ends but I also want space from him so no sitting watching tv together or running around making sure everything is done for him coming home from work to make his life easier he can see what it will be like to an extent to be on his own.

No he can't but he is not the person he was everything has changed about him even down to how he is with his kids he isn't a bad dad not in the slightest but he takes them every weekend and basically keeps them in the house because he cba doing anything even in the house he hardly plays with them or anything he just sits around watching tv.

He stays because I ask apparently which I'm sorry I could never do if it was dragging me down that much no matter how much I cared for the person. He's told me he is more than capable of doing it alone but really isn't doing much to show that. I've already stated that if he leaves he can't have our dd overnight as I couldn't settle knowing what he does here how do I know it would be different? The kids can go wake him up and he's straight back to sleep then tells me he can't remember hearing them come in.

There is things to sort on both sides then he will be leaving I don't hate him and care too much to put him out just now with nothing in place, but if I was that unhappy I would have been making plans on the back burner not sitting around being pulled down just because someone asked.

But he's staying because you keep asking him too. Especially if you are threatening that he won't have his daughter if he leaves...

Again, if he's unhappy at home and feels like he's staying for the wrong reasons, he won't be at his best for anyone - you, him, his kids.

My husband said exactly the same to me, he was no longer in love with me in the same way he used to be but still loved me..yeah...right...after my initial devastation that was it. I'm not there to be some sort of stop gap. He quickly became my ex husband.