Partner says he is no longer in love and refuses help

[Pashy24]

We have been together 4 years and have a dd together 2yrs old he also has 2 dc from a previous relationship. He told me 6 months ago after a big argument that he wasn't in love with me anymore but still loves and cares for me. This all stemed from a couple of years of me shutting down my emotions and going through a really bad depression that I tried so hard to hide but all the time I was pushing him away which I deeply regret and hate myself for but now also realise this wasn't me this was someone I didn't know and don't want to know again I wasn't myself at all. This has had a really bad effect on him causing him to feel unloved and on his own, since then I have opened up and told him everything that was going on he says he understands but the damage is done he agreed to try and fix things but he never put any effort in while I put everything in trying to repair what I broke. I now feel like he is using me in a sense as when he has his children at weekends he lies around in bed till the afternoon while I deal with all the children,he lets me run around after him and them, I do 99% of childcare for our dd because he works but even on days off he just mopes around,I do all the things a partner should do he says thanks but I can't seem to get out my head that if you aren't in love with someone why would you not want to stand on your own two feet and do things for yourself. I have asked him to try couples therapy as a last resort and he is so against it. I'm clinging on to this as I don't believe this is all down to just this relationship he told me he has no enjoyment in anything anymore,he feels numb and just wants to be left alone by everyone I really think he may be in a depression and this could be why things are the way they are(speaking from experience)but he refuses to speak to anyone. I love this man with everything I have and I worry deeply about him. He leaves here he leaves everything and has nowhere to go which is another worry. There is also a pattern as the exact same thing seemed to happen with his ex after she had a child she went similar and he left for same reasons! Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get over loosing the only man you have properly loved?

You know what, I think if it hadn't been your PND and depression then it would have been something else sooner or later.

Perhaps you would have gained a little weight, or not be parenting DD quite like his ex did, or not getting on well enough with his mum, or the weather not being quite sunny enough...I suspect that the moping would have set in anyway.

Perhaps it is not that complicated and he is simply a misery guts!

I wonder if it could be helpful to chat to his ex? You have nothing to lose and it might bring some insight.

It is probably best to be single for a while, but if you did want to date again then you would probably attract some interest. You are young and have already had children, so with caution regarding your DD, perhaps there could be fresh horizons out there for you?

Tbh she has caused some upset in the relationship also she relies on him like they are still together and he feels he has to do everything she asks because she has his kids even though she was in a new relationship also she takes him for a mug and he doesn't seem to see it and it bothers me to the point of many arguments. When she found out I was pregnant it seemed to get worse I have even questioned if they still have something but I honestly don't think they do she just uses him and he lets her. He says he still finds me attractive and everything else but he isn't in love with me when I think the reality is he isn't in love with what a long term relationship with children actually brings its not always sunshine and roses.

Tbh after this I don't think I could even attempt another relationship this took a lot for me to let someone back in and my guard down and I was left hurt again.

I hope instead he’s taken all the kids out today to do something fun with them to give you some space. And since you aren’t watch tv tonight, he can do dinner and bathtime with your dd. And then so he gets more used to the new normal, he can have all the kids all day every weekend for the next few weeks while you go do something nice.

I went through a horrible period of depression a few years ago, I lost my entire biological family (other than my kids), and it was COVID. It didn’t stop me getting up every morning, sorting my dc out, home schooling through 9 months of school closures, taking them out for the day, cooking, cleaning and working 4 days a week. I currently have incurable cancer. I’m exhausted, in pain, anxious, not sure how many years I have left. I’m not wallowing around in bed all day. I’m up sorting the kids in the morning, going on days out, doing the school runs, taking them to activities and friends houses. Illness and poor mental health don’t by default make you a lazy shit parent. That’s a choice. He too could choose differently. He’s not. He even said, if you weren’t around he’d get up. It means he knows it’s a choice.

😞

No but he made a point of getting up earlier than usual today and has sat and played with the kids. I'm sorry to hear that😔but like you said you still got and get up and get on with it, I did the same even though I felt how I felt but difference was I never had someone to lean on and let them run around after me and my dd and even if I did I don't think I would as I think that just makes things worse. He hasn't always been bad yeah at first when we had dd he did spend a lot of time with her and me and tried to help out and he tells me that all the time but what he forgets is when he was at work and not home till 5/6pm most of it was done and dd was near bedtime once she was in bed that's when I chose to sit in my depression which in turn did have an effect on him but he's an adult he can understand a child can't even though she was only a baby these things sometimes stick and have an effect on children. What good was I to her if I sat about all day crying like I wanted to.

What kind of things did she ask him to do?

Maybe he never really loved you, you were just convenient. He went from his ex to his mum to moving in with you in a space of less than 4 months, didn't he?

Help her move furniture,take rubbish to the dump,pick things up for her,take her to work and pick her up,always at him for extra money even though he pays for them and provides for them when he has them,first week of out dd being born she had him taking them 5days out of 7. All while her new partner drives and stays with her so why ask your ex for everything.

No I do believe he loved me that was never an issue.

Some are a bit much but you said he only has them for 6 days a month, does he pay a decent amount of maintenance, like if you were getting the same (or equivalent for your one child) would you think that that was plenty?

Yeah he gives her more than stated and if it was me getting that yeah I would be more than happy with it. I don't understand considering she works every hour going just to get away from her kids by the sounds of it. Asks him to take them for a week on his holidays so she can go on holiday but takes her kids nowhere. Every holiday he gets he takes them 4 days unless she asks for more but if he asks for less time for something its threats of stopping him seeing them.

She still has them the vast majority of the time though so it sounds like you've fallen for the flawed stepmother way of thinking where you see the dad as brilliant and like he does more than the mother even though he doesn't.

Maybe the mother struggled to pick herself back up after he left for the same reasons he said he doesn't want to be with you, you said he was only single for 2 months when you met and then moved in with you after 6 weeks, so does that mean that you met his kids that soon after he had left their mother?

No I don't see him as brilliant and a women who chooses to work most nights and not see her children I don't see as brilliant either. Yeah maybe she did and I sympathise with her because its horrible feeling this way she also was In a new relationship within a couple of months and let the new man meet the kids after a couple of weeks and had him staying in the house with them till she found out he had previous for stalking and dv. I knew him for years before we got together but I wasn't allowed near the kids for almost a year so when he had his kids he had to stay with his mum.

Well you've said that your partner was a great dad, but then you also said he barely gave you a break from your daughter when you were struggling and that he takes all the overtime going, which could have been a way to avoid responsibilities, so sounds like he's worse, he already had one family break up and then made the same mistake again.

His excuse is if it wasn't me asking for something it was her and it always left someone annoyed so he felt torn. He had a set up with her and the kids that was agreed when they split he met someone else and she started demanding more then the minute she found out I was pregnant it was more and more no harm to her but I think I should have been more of a priority than her instead of him trying to people please everyone else but me and use the excuse of his kids.

Set ups can change though, they'd only freshly broken up.

Ideally you would be more of a priority but this is something that can happen when you get involved with someone so fresh out of a family break up, it can take time to settle and detangle and lose feelings and stop feeling like a family etc.

As I said he clearly didn't learn from his mistakes the first time, second broken family in 5 years...he doesn't really sound like a people pleaser, more just pleases himself.

Do you have a good support system around you?