Holiday - not going great

[foodlovefood]

I am not too sure if I am in slump, self sabotaging or justified.

been with DP for over 4 years. We are mid 40s and own our own homes. But he practically lives with me and selling his house to properly move in. Year 2 we had a rough patch at split up for 6 weeks. Got back together and we have been getting on well. But since he has put his house on the market I am having second thoughts.

I can’t really put my finger on what annoys me. Maybe I feel lonely. He doesn’t handle stress well, so can get into these moods and have out bursts of short anger. Never to me, but bad service etc. it is embarrassing and we have had conversations about this. He admits he sees red and explodes. he says he is trying to calm down.

We have both been under a lot of stress with work. Evenings he is on his laptop gaming or on his phone. He is sat beside me and there is small bits of conversation, but lots of rotting in front of tv.

we are on holiday in an amazing resort. We agreed to have a chill out holiday, with a few trips as normally we are full on to explore. First week he didn’t want to do anything, but to be fair we were both exhausted. our second week it rained a bit. I suggested walks and he wanted to stay in. So I went out as was starting to get restless. He was miffed but eventually joined

Our only trip got cancelled due to weather. He got angry and I got embarrassed. We have spent a lot of time in silence. When I speak he asks why I am mumbling. I just give up. He guesses something is wrong and is making more of an effort. Sex just seems blah. Nothing has changed.

normally we talk, discuss things. But it’s so silent. He says he is enjoying it and wants to chill. I am bored and I feel so guilty. I am normally so independent.

am I sabotaging this as moving in is reality and financially being tied is scaring me. Or is this it.

Please get him to cancel the house sale! You wont get rid of him if he moves him. I can see red flags just reading one post.

i can't see the attraction personally and u haven’t got much in common holiday wise it seems, so u need a long think about the future.

carry on seeing him if you want but keep living separately. To be honest I would call it a day anyway, your relationship doesn’t doing great, and I can see you on here posting in a year if u move him in with you, on what a mistake it’s been,

Someone who loses his temper every time he is 'stressed' will not be pleasant to live with. Stress is a fact of life and becoming an adult is largely about learning to deal with it.

Is a man who who has ‘explosive anger’ and who is rude to strangers and who can’t handle minor inconveniences really what you had in mind for a partner?

Would you be friends with a person who behaved like this?

Just to answer some questions

we have had long chats about moving in together. We decided as we spent little time alone and it made sense to just pay one set of bills. We also talked about retirement and saving up to be comfortable. All assets being protected so I am not worried about losing anything. If split I buy his share of the house back.

I have a cleaner so housework is ok. I cook, with him doing it once a week, mostly as he is a crap cook.

at home I don’t notice the silence as much as I am busy. I have a good social life. He also has. But sometimes I want him to take control and spend quality time together. I just notice he doesn’t want to do much except game.

we have been on many holidays together and there are times when we lie on sun loungers in silence. But this is different. I think it might be as we have done nothing.

I think he knows something is wrong as he has made more of an effort. I have suggested he may want to go back to his during the week. He said ok if that’s what you want.

OP, what does “if split, I buy his share of the house back” mean?

He only cooks once a week because he’s crap at it?

so he used to starve before he met you then?

weaponised incompetence at its finest.

You’ve suggested he might want to go back to his house - that’s a bit passive aggressive?

Why not have an honest conversation and tell him everything you have told us?

Re the lying about - maybe the guy is simply knackered - you seem to resent him for not going on day trips - there’s no point in him feeling forced to go out as that will just lead to resentment

communication is key

Is he suggesting getting added to your title deeds on your house? Don’t!!

Gosh that merited a bigger conversation. Why did you suggest he might want that? Because you wanted it? And he's agreed because he's assuming you want it? Maybe you're both struggling with communication.

So many red flags, don’t do it!
Im separating from someone like this after a lot of years together and I can tell you it doesn’t get better. I wish I had Mumsnet in my life then and been advised to not go ahead as I didn’t listen to my inner concerns either.
The silent treatment gets worse, the slightest thing sets it off (usually angry or upset about something) the duration gets longer, you end up turning yourself inside out trying to
keep things right and it still happens.
Gaming - just no, what a waste of
space.
unpleasant to waiting staff, call centre staff etc - showing you who he is. Listen! He’s unpleasant. I had this too “I want to speak to your line manager”. Massive cringe.
what was I thinking?? Still trying to extricate myself from this awful
situation. Gave him soooo many chances, absolutely delightful and wanting to please me, love bombing, but it all happened again when he got angry. Left me feeling anxious and upset, my life got smaller and smaller until I didn’t recognise myself.
Don’t let him move in, it will be hell!

Oh a lazy angry gamer who gets half the house and cooks once a week. Be still my beating heart.

dont Ignore these red flags temper, disrespectful to people who are serving him great keep your home to yourself for now

Op why the 180?

Not sure I agree with this, some people really can’t make decent meals, not only men, I only really like my own cooking I appreciate people making an effort but sometimes it’s an effort to eat it !

He's moving into your house for a skivvy housekeeper so he has more time to game.

You would want to be out of your mind to share any asset and move in a lazy selfish angry gamer who is looking for a skivvy cook.

Unbelievable madness.

What’s he helpful with when you have a cleaner and you do the cooking except for one night a week? I think this is done, but the gaming would do it for me. He needs his own house to spend his free time gaming in, not mine while ignoring me.

I would tend to agree with this.

I agree! I have been with my DP for nearly 23 years and we still live separately. It works so well!

If this is what he is like on holiday he’s going to be no
better and indeed likely far worse if you are frankly stupid enough to allow him to move into with you.
Do not wimp out by merely saying you might ask him to pause his house sale.Tell him directly to take his house off the market.

The writing re him is on the wall and you ignore that at your emotional peril. He wants to move into your home so he can game more.

Listen to your inner voice here telling you it is a huge error to have him move into your home.

Agree

Sounds like the relationship has come to a end if you arnt happy end it with him.before his house sells don't wait until its finalised and you are stuck together life is far to short to be unhappy