Holiday - not going great

[foodlovefood]

I am not too sure if I am in slump, self sabotaging or justified.

been with DP for over 4 years. We are mid 40s and own our own homes. But he practically lives with me and selling his house to properly move in. Year 2 we had a rough patch at split up for 6 weeks. Got back together and we have been getting on well. But since he has put his house on the market I am having second thoughts.

I can’t really put my finger on what annoys me. Maybe I feel lonely. He doesn’t handle stress well, so can get into these moods and have out bursts of short anger. Never to me, but bad service etc. it is embarrassing and we have had conversations about this. He admits he sees red and explodes. he says he is trying to calm down.

We have both been under a lot of stress with work. Evenings he is on his laptop gaming or on his phone. He is sat beside me and there is small bits of conversation, but lots of rotting in front of tv.

we are on holiday in an amazing resort. We agreed to have a chill out holiday, with a few trips as normally we are full on to explore. First week he didn’t want to do anything, but to be fair we were both exhausted. our second week it rained a bit. I suggested walks and he wanted to stay in. So I went out as was starting to get restless. He was miffed but eventually joined

Our only trip got cancelled due to weather. He got angry and I got embarrassed. We have spent a lot of time in silence. When I speak he asks why I am mumbling. I just give up. He guesses something is wrong and is making more of an effort. Sex just seems blah. Nothing has changed.

normally we talk, discuss things. But it’s so silent. He says he is enjoying it and wants to chill. I am bored and I feel so guilty. I am normally so independent.

am I sabotaging this as moving in is reality and financially being tied is scaring me. Or is this it.

You don't sound compatible any longer. Nothing to talk about and not enjoying each other's company. I would call it a day.

A person who gets angry and explodes at staff members is a bully. They take advantage of the power imbalance and use it as an excuse to get off on treating someone like shit.

Poor service can be addressed calmly and politely.

He’s also stupid. You don’t get what you want by being a bully. Maybe he feels ill from all the bogies in his cappuccino, or other unhygienic micro revenge he’s received from catering staff.

People who give out to staff are massive w*nkers.

Holidays are weird things. Being with one person, no job, no friends, no interests.

Think about what would make you happiest. A lifetime of this (because he won't change), throwing him back and trying to find someone better/be happy alone, or carry on as you are without progressing to a fuller commitment.
Weigh up the pros and cons of each and decide from those three choices. Because the one you want, a life with him without these behaviours isn't on the cards, so you need to let that go, and resist any attempts from him to persuade you that it is.

Angry me are not nice, it's that simple OP

In your original comment you say that you can’t put your finger on the behaviour which annoys you and go on to describe a partner who gives you the silent treatment and shows explosive anger. And he is boring on holiday.

Does that help you put your finger on what’s wrong?

Thank heaven rejoicing that he has shown you this side of him before he moved in. I’d be clear that moving in to your house is off the table.

please don’t doubt yourself. This is healthy boundary setting a long way from self sabotage

“He is moving to mine as it’s a better location”
“He says he wants a chilled holiday, but forgetting I am here too.”

So what’s in it for you, OP? You’re giving up your independence to have someone who has explosive temper outbursts move in with you because it’s convenient for him. Your post is full of anxiety about him moving in, and not a word about loving, or even liking him. You need to re-think this house sale, and at the very least give it more time - but it really doesn’t sound like a relationship made in heaven. He wants to do what he wants to do and gets angry when stressed; you value your independence, want to be more active and be with someone you can talk to. You say he’s “helpful at home”. Well if that’s what you want, get a cleaning lady. It doesn’t sound as though you’re getting much out of this relationship - it may be time to draw the line and move on.

I grew up in a house of passive-aggressive confusing silence. It was more damaging to me than the big verbal fights between my parents.

You aren’t compatible. And as you’re finding if you spend all day every day with someone you’re not compatible with it gets very annoying. Call it off otherwise you’d both be made miserable.

Hmm - I think whether you want to be on holiday or not with someone is an absolute indicator of whether you should be in a relationship with them. Or not.

You know pausing is the right thing to do. If you can’t even enjoy a holiday with someone, don’t move them in. Find your anger-how dare he be annoyed at you doing things on your own?

Our only trip got cancelled due to weather. He got angry and I got embarrassed

He got angry because of an issue outside of everyone's control. That's so massively unreasonable, and frightening because of its unreasonableness.

Honestly OP you would be much better off without him. You don't need a man like this draining the joy and contentment out of life. The relationship isn't enhancing your life, it will make everything worse. Please reconsider as everyone is saying.

Trust your gut OP, a holiday is a removal from real life stress and strain yet still he's being weak, boring and having outbursts. Imagine what real life will do to him 😵‍💫.

If this is him NOW before he's officially moved in you're not in for fun times.

Get rid and certainly don't let him move in with you fgs!

He sounds absolutely boring, plus the aggression, I’d be gone. Tell him, don’t think about asking him, to take his house off the market. Do you want to spend your life sitting watching him gaming? I’d be bored stupid, plus insanely embarrassed every time he explodes in public. What an arsehole.

This.

He’s all take and no give. He wants a chilled holiday but he won’t compromise and do the things you want on some of the days without creating drama about it.

Trust your instincts. Don’t move in with him, it will only get worse.

Being Lonely in a relationship is soul destroying. He doesn't want to do anything, he sits beside you gaming and not talking. Bursts of anger when things don't go his own way. He sounds like a grumpy old man. Imagine this relationship, 5, 10, 20 years down the line.

If he sells his property to move into yours what's in it for you ....

100% OP. It's a sign.

I would stop the moving in together. For now at least. You clearly have issues in this relationship. Moving him in at the moment is just going to cause more problems if you decide to split.

His behaviour certainly isn't ideal. I'd want him to get some kind of help for the anger issues. The holiday stuff could be that he is really exhausted and wants to chill but it sounds like more than that. Could he be depressed? Or have other issues.

If he's generally a decent partner, I'd try to find out what's going on before I binned it. But I wouldn't put up with what you're describing. It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

Are you out of your mind moving in an angry, lazy, gaming toddler?

What on earth are you thinking?

You are his mother.

And you want this and its moods dominating your home?

Bloody hell OP.
Wake up before you make the most awful mistake.
Your home is more convenient?

Angry men are awful.
Dump him the minute you get home.

Oh and his behaviour will only get a LOT worse if he moves in.

You’ve been with him 4 years - that’s nothing - and you’re having a shit holiday where he sits in front of the TV, gets angry and accuses you of mumbling. This will be your home life . Get rid. I’ve been with DH 30 years and I’ve never had a holiday like this and you’d think we’d be bored rigid with each others company by now.

So your DP admits he has anger issues; what is he, as a grown man who is aware he has a problem, doing to resolve this?

Has he arranged counselling for himself? Is he speaking to his manager/HR about his work-life balance? Is he in anger management classes?

Or is he, as I suspect, doing nothing about it?

If he’s doing nothing then you know it won’t be resolved, so by staying with him you’re agreeing to live with an angry man; why would you sign yourself up for that?

But it’s so silent

lack of communication is the end of a relationship in my mind.

Id return home and explain you don't want him to move in with you as communication has dwindled and you feel lonely

There’s a difference between having a chilled time and not being companions.

I think holidays can bring out the worst in relationships, I’d be more worried about the reality back home.