Holiday - not going great

[foodlovefood]

I am not too sure if I am in slump, self sabotaging or justified.

been with DP for over 4 years. We are mid 40s and own our own homes. But he practically lives with me and selling his house to properly move in. Year 2 we had a rough patch at split up for 6 weeks. Got back together and we have been getting on well. But since he has put his house on the market I am having second thoughts.

I can’t really put my finger on what annoys me. Maybe I feel lonely. He doesn’t handle stress well, so can get into these moods and have out bursts of short anger. Never to me, but bad service etc. it is embarrassing and we have had conversations about this. He admits he sees red and explodes. he says he is trying to calm down.

We have both been under a lot of stress with work. Evenings he is on his laptop gaming or on his phone. He is sat beside me and there is small bits of conversation, but lots of rotting in front of tv.

we are on holiday in an amazing resort. We agreed to have a chill out holiday, with a few trips as normally we are full on to explore. First week he didn’t want to do anything, but to be fair we were both exhausted. our second week it rained a bit. I suggested walks and he wanted to stay in. So I went out as was starting to get restless. He was miffed but eventually joined

Our only trip got cancelled due to weather. He got angry and I got embarrassed. We have spent a lot of time in silence. When I speak he asks why I am mumbling. I just give up. He guesses something is wrong and is making more of an effort. Sex just seems blah. Nothing has changed.

normally we talk, discuss things. But it’s so silent. He says he is enjoying it and wants to chill. I am bored and I feel so guilty. I am normally so independent.

am I sabotaging this as moving in is reality and financially being tied is scaring me. Or is this it.

It’ll only get worse. If you have no kids and your own places I’d be tempted to keep it that way and maybe call it a day if you meet someone else…keep your options open.

Listen to your gut.
This man is not for you.
His phone & TV habit will get much worse. He’s very dull.
Do not do it OP. The writing’s on the wall.

He sees red and explodes at bad service. What about when he thinks you're giving him bad service after he moves in?

One of the biggest character tests is how someone treats service workers. Are they polite and considerate? If so, that's who they are inside, there's innate consideration towards everyone. They'll show that because that's who they are.

Your bf is a walking advertisement for anger boy and rudeness. He is showing you in front of everyone just what he's like on the inside and living with him is not going to enhance your life in any way. That's who is is. He games and sits on his phone and when you're on holiday he wants to sit around your hotel room. He has no curiosity, no get up and go, he sounds boring as fuck.

Angry and mean and boring, how do you think that's going to work living together?

Tell him not to sell, you're not moving him in. This relationship, if you move him in, will suck the life out of you in a year.

Absolutely do not move in. Explosive anger always starts out being aimed at “other people”. Eventually it will be your turn too.

I am having second thoughts.
This is from your 1st post.
That's all you need to put the breaks on things.
Wait until you get home and then tell him to take his house off the market, you want to re-evaluate the relationship.
Don't feel rushed into living together. And don't feel you have to continue the relationship.

Trust your gut

So long term do you intend to shoulder all stresses to keep him calm?
Trust me it is an absolutely shit existence living with such a man.

Of all the many possibilities and combinations you could choose as your life, this one isn't it. Don't wake up to that fact decades down the line.

keep both houses. Do not move in together until you are both sure.

TRUST YOURSELF!

You’re doubting things, you shouldn’t be moving in together. I would be honest and tell him to take his house off the market and give yourself some time to see if things can get better.

He needs to address his anger for one.

If you think things are bad now just because you’re spending two weeks together wait until he’s living in your home 24.7 and he slips into being comfortable and showing his true self all the time.

No. The explosive anger would be enough but this person is draining you.

At the very least, put a pause on the house selling. Do not go ahead with something so big if you are having second thoughts.

Why did you break up in yr 2? Was it similar reasons to what you're seeing now? If so, I would make a permanent break. Because if it's happening every couple of years this will either be the way he is when he isn't on best behaviour, or a regularly occurring aspect of who he is.

I think at the very least it would be wise to wait for his addressing his anger issues to be completed before you move in together. And to give it at least two years after he's finished addressing it to see if it starts to recur before committing to him selling up and joingin yourselves financially.

If you want to see if you're really compatible living together an interim step would be for him to move in but rent out his place. Split your bills (not mortgage) and he can provide half his profit from renting out his place as a way of sharing the savings equally. Then see how it goes. Then you aren't financially tied and you can see if it's a blip from the house sale and moving (which is one of the most stressful life events), or if this is just reality now the honeymoon period has worn off.

Still. You are 4 years in, have already broken up once, and you're having second thoughts. To me, this seems like a pretty clear sign that the relationship has run its course and you need to set yourself free.

"Explosive anger"
Run for the hills

@foodlovefood and you’re willing to let someone who says ‘are you mumbling’ when you try to have a conversation move in with you, are you mad, maybe there’s more to him than you’re letting on but from here he sounds disinterested, if you feel lonely now you should probably figure out why before letting him move in permanently, nothing worse than feeling lonely in a relationship, trust me, i’m living it right now.

If you have doubts then listen to them.

If he is irritating you now (and you're irritating him by the sound of it) then you will be driving each other up the wall in 5 or 10 years.

Follow your gut, OP. If doesn’t sound good.

You’d be mad to move in with this man. You’ve only been together for four years, you’ve split up once already and you’re not even enjoying each other’s company on holiday, when you haven’t even got the stresses of daily life to wear you down? You sound like a jaded couple who have lived together for 20 years, don’t even like each other any more, and have only stuck it out for the sake of the kids, not a couple who have only been together four years and are excited about moving in.

Relationships really aren’t meant to be like this.

I agree with this 100%

He sounds like an arsehole. You are better off alone. It's up to you wether you want to put up with the bull shit.

If he sells, it’s going to be very difficult to separate. Encourage him to maintain his own property, at the very least.

Think if he moves in with you, his house sold but you find don't like it.
More difficult then to reverse the arrangement.
Think how very explosive his anger will be.

Yea your intuition is screaming at you here. Relationships are meant to make you feel happy and safe not unsure and insecure.

There is no way he should be mkving in with you.
If you dont want to split up just carry on as you are. It will be a disaster and you know it.

You two are just not compatible.

This holiday has just confirmed what you’ve known deep down for a while.

Tell him to take his house off the market and either separate completely or just go back to living separately and take more time to think about what you want.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound great.
I can’t see why he’s better than any other random man you could meet whilst walking down the street.

I think you could easily find someone much more compatible.