Holiday - not going great

[foodlovefood]

I am not too sure if I am in slump, self sabotaging or justified.

been with DP for over 4 years. We are mid 40s and own our own homes. But he practically lives with me and selling his house to properly move in. Year 2 we had a rough patch at split up for 6 weeks. Got back together and we have been getting on well. But since he has put his house on the market I am having second thoughts.

I can’t really put my finger on what annoys me. Maybe I feel lonely. He doesn’t handle stress well, so can get into these moods and have out bursts of short anger. Never to me, but bad service etc. it is embarrassing and we have had conversations about this. He admits he sees red and explodes. he says he is trying to calm down.

We have both been under a lot of stress with work. Evenings he is on his laptop gaming or on his phone. He is sat beside me and there is small bits of conversation, but lots of rotting in front of tv.

we are on holiday in an amazing resort. We agreed to have a chill out holiday, with a few trips as normally we are full on to explore. First week he didn’t want to do anything, but to be fair we were both exhausted. our second week it rained a bit. I suggested walks and he wanted to stay in. So I went out as was starting to get restless. He was miffed but eventually joined

Our only trip got cancelled due to weather. He got angry and I got embarrassed. We have spent a lot of time in silence. When I speak he asks why I am mumbling. I just give up. He guesses something is wrong and is making more of an effort. Sex just seems blah. Nothing has changed.

normally we talk, discuss things. But it’s so silent. He says he is enjoying it and wants to chill. I am bored and I feel so guilty. I am normally so independent.

am I sabotaging this as moving in is reality and financially being tied is scaring me. Or is this it.

Please change "I might ask him" to. "I will definitely tell him" - and do it as quickly as possible after you get home. Don't listen to tears and pleading and promises to change. Words mean very little without actions.

It's clear that this man adds very little positive benefit to your life and brings plenty of negatives. In your position, I would be breaking up with him the moment I got home. I probably wouldn't do it on holiday if it meant I was stuck with an angry, aggressive man.

I personally would stay very much broken up with him l, but it sounds as though you really want to give him a chance. In which case, I would say he needs a minimum of two years continuing to live in his own house and working on his issues before you even consider allowing him to move into your house in an nicer location.

He should be thinking of this move to a nicer location with the woman he loves as a great privilege, not a right. And you should be completely sure that your life should be considerably enhanced by his moving in before you think of discussing it again.

I think you should be thanking the universe his house hasn’t got a buyer yet. Please listen to your intuition. I didn’t and regretted it daily.

Doubt is there for a reason. Listen to it.

Don't let him sell his house if you are unsure.

The universe is giving you a Get out of Jail Free card. TBH the anger issues are the big red flag. The being boring and house not selling are bonus gold coins of guidance - leave him and live your best life.

You are on holiday and staying in? And when you want to go out he gets miffed?! What am I reading?! End the relationship asap OP.

Hi Op I can relate partly to your situation. Went on holiday with friends and new girlfriend of a s few months. She had been acting oddly before we went on holiday, think she was seeing someone else but the holiday had been booked so I thought will give it a try.
Few days into the holiday of 14 days she states that is it. We were still in the same room separate beds and it was difficult to say the least.
If you have not been on holiday before, my point from my experience a holiday together seems to bring things to the boils so to speak.
Bluntly I would not let this guy move in.
Good luck.

If he’s like this is in his 40’s what the hell is he going to be like in in 60’s. Do you want to spend your retirement slumped in front of a TV for the last 20 years of your life?

He’s not going to get better OP as he gets older only worse. You’re mismatched and you’re going to end being lonely and frustrated.

Do not let him sell his house.

Seeing red is no excuse, it's so gross to be angry at service industry workers when he knows full well they're on shit pay and for all intents and purposes, have to take it in the name of customer services. Like picking a fight with someone who cannot fight back, gross.

If he's like this in his 40s, he won't get better and actually is likely to get worse tbh. You don't sound compatible, don't throw your life away on someone who makes you this unhappy.

You’ve only been together 4 years and don’t live together but you’ve already had one break up. He has shown you his temper and that he can’t be bothered to talk or spend real time with you even when you’re on holiday (when that should be the easiest circumstances for you to have quality time).

You would be making a huge mistake to let him move in. You also don’t know how bad it could be; when you’re not living together full-time this should be him at his best!

Incidentally, I’ve been accused of ‘mumbling’ by someone who turned out to have hearing issues they were unaware of. Might be useful for him to get a hearing test, but I don’t think that has much bearing on your situation overall.

Where on holiday ?

@foodlovefood have you never heard of the waiter test? The one where you see how a date treats a waiter? How he reacts under pressure etc?

this. Screaming red flags at you right there.

he WILL turn on you. Probably the minute he’s moved in permanently as he’ll have you trapped.

did you see any angry outbursts BEFORE he managed to “kind of moved in” with you already?

you need to get out of this relationship however you can

The mumbling thing (when you’re not) is also signs of abusive male incoming @foodlovefood

this relationship is toxic.

What do you get out of this relationship, OP?

This sounds like a very boring relationship and if I could get out of it I would.

Bursts of anger 🚩
Silence 🚩
Shocked you went out to do your own thing 🚩
Gamer 🚩 (🙃)
"Meh" sex 🚩

You will be self sabotaging if you stay in this relationship! I think your gut is screaming at you that this is all wrong, but your head is using the sunk costs fallacy, plus low self esteem (no doubt because of this relationship) to twist it into somehow being your fault, or making excuses for his shitty behaviour.

Life is too short for this nonsense. Do yourself a favour and dump him. You are not married and have no children, why would you waste your time on someone who makes you feel lonely, bored and irritated?

It really doesn’t sound as though you two are particularly compatible now……perhaps him selling his property and moving in with you would be a huge mistake.
Why get angry when circumstances beyond anyone’s control makes changes to an agenda? He is sounding a bit of a self centred control freak TBH. Time to move on OP.

Yeah he's not doing very well at calming down by the sounds of it is he?

If the gaming/silence etc is worse than usual, possibly he a) thinks now he's "got" you he doesn't have to make the effort any more (hence his attempt to be nicer, as he calibrates "just enough" effort?) or perhaps he's actually getting cold feet as well?

Either way, getting angry in public with strangers who are there to help you is so selfish, immature and cringe. But unfortunately immature men are dangerous men. It's not the sign of someone who truly cares about ohers beyond what they can give him.

I wouldn't let him move in with you. This sounds awful, especially given how short a time you've been with him.

If you don't feel happy and relaxed with him on a holiday, when life's stresses should seem far away, or at least easy to forget for a while, that tells you what you need to know - you are not a good match. I'd say a previous 6 week break up isn't a good sign either.

I would never tie myself down to a man who has to have conversations about his anger. Being stressed is not an excuse unless you’re 4 years old and still learning how to manage your emotions.

That is disgusting.

He sounds like a right boring bloke. Nothing to talk about and not much get up and go (plus the short temper).

Listen to your gut instinct.... it's screaming at you that something isn't right.

Press pause... it may not mean the end of the relationship but you need to work through this (the feeling of disconnect, the outbursts and anger) before you take another step forwards. Don't just autopilot into becoming enmeshed/ making a longer term financial commitment to the relationship. I think if he was honest with himself he'd admit he's feeling some doubts too.