Holiday - not going great

[foodlovefood]

I am not too sure if I am in slump, self sabotaging or justified.

been with DP for over 4 years. We are mid 40s and own our own homes. But he practically lives with me and selling his house to properly move in. Year 2 we had a rough patch at split up for 6 weeks. Got back together and we have been getting on well. But since he has put his house on the market I am having second thoughts.

I can’t really put my finger on what annoys me. Maybe I feel lonely. He doesn’t handle stress well, so can get into these moods and have out bursts of short anger. Never to me, but bad service etc. it is embarrassing and we have had conversations about this. He admits he sees red and explodes. he says he is trying to calm down.

We have both been under a lot of stress with work. Evenings he is on his laptop gaming or on his phone. He is sat beside me and there is small bits of conversation, but lots of rotting in front of tv.

we are on holiday in an amazing resort. We agreed to have a chill out holiday, with a few trips as normally we are full on to explore. First week he didn’t want to do anything, but to be fair we were both exhausted. our second week it rained a bit. I suggested walks and he wanted to stay in. So I went out as was starting to get restless. He was miffed but eventually joined

Our only trip got cancelled due to weather. He got angry and I got embarrassed. We have spent a lot of time in silence. When I speak he asks why I am mumbling. I just give up. He guesses something is wrong and is making more of an effort. Sex just seems blah. Nothing has changed.

normally we talk, discuss things. But it’s so silent. He says he is enjoying it and wants to chill. I am bored and I feel so guilty. I am normally so independent.

am I sabotaging this as moving in is reality and financially being tied is scaring me. Or is this it.

You're here on MN, expressing valid complaints and of course fear of this man moving into yours. Therefore you must be unhappy and this person not feeling your happy forever person.
Does that count for something? Can you just wait? Keep dating, as you say, put selling his home on hold until you are sure over what you want to do. It may be wobbles over the big step or it may just be valid points you raise and don't want to be tied to.

You seem mismatched to be honest. I had a partner many years ago....fancied each other, incredible sex and we got on, but we had vastly different interests and ideas. Long-term for a relationship to work, there has to be compatibility, in views, interests, ideas etc.

I suspect these issues that you are beginning to see, will suddenly become even bigger if your partner moves in with you. Your instincts are telling you not to allow him to move in, so therefore he needs to take his property off the market.

If you then decide to end the relationship, that's up to you, but in my view if you're incompatible, then that won't change.

Change your routine when you get home. I guarantee you will feel relieved not seeing him as much. May give you the nudge to get rid of him altogether if you can't do it immediately..

🤣🤣🤣

Oh my. This sounds ominous. I really wouldn’t move in together. There is so much to be said for keeping your independence.

Or is his hearing going?

my hubby kept accusing me of mumbling and it’s was driving me nuts, I wasn’t. Everyone else could hear me. I made him get his hearing tested and he was issued hearing aids.

Have to agree with most PP on this thread. If he moves in you will spend your life tiptoeing around him on eggshells for fear of his temper. He is not a pleasant companion and appears to have little regard or respect for you. His reasons for wanting to move in are purely self serving. Better to be lonely on your own rather than miserable and trapped with his temper.

The ranting man thing sounds like the onset of grumpy old man. I've also experienced this on more than one holiday with a GOM man! And it absolutely did show its head more when we were away than at home. Not sure why.

But yes. The ranting / nastiness on holiday did eventually extend to me. And it got worse as he started getting older. So I binned him. Life's too short.

He doesn't seem to have any redeemable attributes. I'd rather be living alone than with someone like him.

I've lived with my partner for 12 years and he sits scrolling and playing games on his ipad all the time and he does have some bad qualities. We don't have meaningful conversations but we do talk and enjoy some things together. But if we were no longer a couple then I wouldn't look for someone else even if I felt lonely as I know I prefer living in my own space.

I'd encourage him to take his house off the market, dump him and go solo. Life is too short.

Listen to your intuition
this relationship will not work.

Life is too short to waste any time with such a miserable person. End it when you get home as it will only be harder once he moves in. You really do have to act now.

Oh bless you, it sounds crap. I think the universe isn't just dropping hints, it's got a big banner saying 'this bloke is an arse, he's not going to change, you need to end it'

When I'm on dates if they're rude to bar staff, waiters etc that's a complete red flag for me.

This should be the fun, can't wait to see him part of your relationship. He's surely supposed to make you smile, feel warm and happy. You should be feeling excited to move in together.

He doesn't sound like it, he surely needs someone who wants to lie on a sun lounger in silence. You are two very different people. Don't you want someone you feel happy and relaxed with. Imagine living with him full time, blimey.

Maybe he’s having doubts, too, but doesn’t know how to say so? Gaming, etc whilst sitting next to you is a form of distancing - is he worried about losing his pockets of time to himself? What’s driving the decision to live together - a genuine want to, or a feeling that that’s what you ‘should’ be doing? Or a cost thing? Have you fully discussed your future and all the financial implications of moving in together? Is he worried about losing some of his financial safety net? In conclusion - I think you need to force a big talk…

Our only trip got cancelled due to weather. He got angry and I got embarrassed.

Have you missed a bit out of your post?

Who did he get angry with?
What were you embarrassed about?

I have been with DH for close to 40 years and we still love our time together and always have a nice time whether we are busy or quiet. That's what you should aim for - this guy doesn't sound like he likes you or is interested in you, and you don't like him either.

Life is short and goes in one direction only - fill yours with joy and happiness. That means getting rid of him!

As per EVERYONE, do not let this man move in. Get rid of him. You certainly can do better. Being alone would be infinitely better in fact. Good luck, trust your gut always. 💐

OP you’re in a fortunate position where you own your own house, financially you do not need a man. Trust me when I say many women stay with men because they cannot afford to live independently. You have a good head start here.

Lonliness can come and go, dependent on how you choose to go about your life. But your resentment towards this man will never leave if you stay with him. Another form of loneliness is being with the wrong person and feeling alone when sat next to them in the same room.

Prepare for the initial post break up sadness and just rip the plaster off.

Sorry haven’t RTFT but wanted to just say if others haven’t - do not have any children with this man. Full stop.

@foodlovefood this is just mind blowingly common at the moment on here. Thread after thread after thread of women who have let their DP move in and it has turned into a giant poopshow with them taking the lions share of housework and expense and often ending up tiptoeing around their own home in order not to trigger a temper or sulk. Then there are the ones who have DPs with children and that adds a whole extra level of shitshowery but at least that's not the case with you.

Please ... do not do it!!! If you were both madly in love and he was a wonderful, reasonable person then maybe you could get a place together but this isn't the case. Just don't do it 😞

Yes to this. Don’t get yourself more trapped by letting him sell and move in.

Do you want this to be the pattern of your life for the next 40 odd years? If not, end it now.

can only feel that this is going to get worse
stop now while you still can

The angry outbursts are problematic, but perhaps he just needs some peace and quiet on his holiday, are the silences ‘comfortable’ between you OP or is there an atmosphere. Some people need quiet time and it’s not necessary to always be taking.

Run don’t walk do you want to spend the remainder of your life in a relationship like this ? Holidays should be an absolute highlight imo