Holiday - not going great

[foodlovefood]

I am not too sure if I am in slump, self sabotaging or justified.

been with DP for over 4 years. We are mid 40s and own our own homes. But he practically lives with me and selling his house to properly move in. Year 2 we had a rough patch at split up for 6 weeks. Got back together and we have been getting on well. But since he has put his house on the market I am having second thoughts.

I can’t really put my finger on what annoys me. Maybe I feel lonely. He doesn’t handle stress well, so can get into these moods and have out bursts of short anger. Never to me, but bad service etc. it is embarrassing and we have had conversations about this. He admits he sees red and explodes. he says he is trying to calm down.

We have both been under a lot of stress with work. Evenings he is on his laptop gaming or on his phone. He is sat beside me and there is small bits of conversation, but lots of rotting in front of tv.

we are on holiday in an amazing resort. We agreed to have a chill out holiday, with a few trips as normally we are full on to explore. First week he didn’t want to do anything, but to be fair we were both exhausted. our second week it rained a bit. I suggested walks and he wanted to stay in. So I went out as was starting to get restless. He was miffed but eventually joined

Our only trip got cancelled due to weather. He got angry and I got embarrassed. We have spent a lot of time in silence. When I speak he asks why I am mumbling. I just give up. He guesses something is wrong and is making more of an effort. Sex just seems blah. Nothing has changed.

normally we talk, discuss things. But it’s so silent. He says he is enjoying it and wants to chill. I am bored and I feel so guilty. I am normally so independent.

am I sabotaging this as moving in is reality and financially being tied is scaring me. Or is this it.

Hard agree; I've been there with an ex and it felt so good to be free.

Listen to your gut instinct. It is shouting at you loud and clear.

In bucket loads..the silence
The anger when stressed
Op get rid!!
MN is littered with threads citing emotional abuse and it's often a short step to physical abuse.

If things aren’t going well on holiday - when you are out supposedly relaxed - it’s not going to get any better at home. Tell him to take his house off the market and that you want some space.

I think I might ask him to pause his house sale. It’s been on the market for 3 months and no viewings. Fate maybe telling me something.

This sounds pretty miserable. Don’t doubt yourself. You deserve someone who makes you happy. You’re not obliged to settle for someone you can just about tolerate on a good day.

@foodlovefood You're telling us what you already know.
You can't do this, it won't work. Tell him.

What stands out for me from your first post is
so can get into these moods and have out bursts of short anger. Never to me
He admits he sees red and explodes.

Give it time OP and it will be to you. He will see red at you.

I think your update about asking him to pause the house sale is extremely sensible.

Is he actually raging AT wait staff, tour operators, etc. or "just" unable to stop himself from ranting and sulking after the fact? If it's the former it seems likely to be a (generally really unattractive) character flaw. If it's the latter then he needs to actually get some outside professional help with anger management now that he's recognised the issue but has been unable to help himself. You want to see results, not empty promises.

Personally, I'd be especially irritated by his refusing to come out but then being "miffed" when you went out by yourself. That sounds like you were really flexible and adaptable and offered a great compromise and he just sulked and clung. Did he actually want you to stay in with him and be miserable?

Whether or not you end the relationship now, I'd not move in together until you determine that he is able to discuss the issues and commit to resolving them, and that you both feel it's worth the (considerable ongoing) effort to try to "fix" the relationship. It doesn't sound to me that there's much you actively like, though.

Sounds rubbish and you don't seem happy at all so I think it may not be worth it.

It wouldn't be long till you were walking on egg shells to keep the peace or him happy .
You'll never be able to placate a person like that as there will always be some sort of issue.

Sounds like a good plan.
There's often women on here talking about just how grumpy men get as they get older, so if he's like this now he could be insufferable in a few years after moving in with you.

He needs to get his hearing checked if he thinks you are mumbling and nobody else does. That’s one of the first signs of hearing loss.

Look, you’re in your 40s. You’re grown ups. People don’t change that much. Don’t be in a relationship with someone who is ‘trying to change’, he can do that on his own time. Be with someone you can’t wait to see, that you have fantastic sex with, that you have fun with, that you are proud to spend time with and to introduce to family and friends. If you don’t have that, live a great life on your own.

I don’t believe in fate. The housing market is shit right now. For you, lucky escape.

Is he going deaf? That can make a person have many problems socially.
Is selling his house the only option?
Why is he not keeping it as an investment?
Too much change is upsetting you both.

Being single would be blissful compared with this. Please don’t let him move in with you.

Relationship seems pretty dead

am I sabotaging this

Nope, he is.

This.

Explosive anger is awful to live with. And it gets worse as they get older.

You've made most of that up and it just muddies the waters

Silence and anger that’s enough to draw a line under this relationship end it now whilst it’s easy to
don’t let him sell his house that will be the point of no return

Silent treatment and anger are huge reasons to end it right there but not really enjoying sex or holidays together either what does he actually bring to your life?

That's a good idea OP. Maybe also restrict the number of nights he stays at yours so you can see for yourself there is life outside of this man. Think about how you want to spend the rest of your life and whether that includes feeling embarrassed by your partner and getting the silent treatment. If he's like this 4 years in, it will most likely increase and get worse over time.

'Ask him to take it off the market'
That implies he has a choice. He can make promises and wear you down. Wait til you get home to call him and say its over.

He knows he is being a dick. He also knows you will do almost anything to keep the peace, hence his surprise and being 'miffed' when you went off on your own.

Good idea. I would ask him to pause the sale until he has got some help with anger management. It's possible to learn techniques to keep calm and at least he agrees there's a problem. Then decide whether you want to live with him or end the relationship.

Holidays like this, in amazing places should be nothing but bliss. A chance to see people as they really are…. You are seeing that, and it’s not pleasant!

As a real life anecdote- i had holiday like this with my now very ex-husband many years ago.

he had anger outburst, Moods, sulking- the works. It was horrendous .

I did not listen to my instincts, Carried on, Moved in married had children, And predictably, it went very wrong.
That holiday he showed me his true colours and I ignored it.

I could of course corrected my life that week, but I didn’t and I’ll always regret it…