Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

👏👏👏 to the other executor.
Your dad chose very well, probably also being well aware that his siblings would be hard to handle.

And to ypu and your siblings too @achromaticdudgeon
It’s never easy yo stand up to family like this, esp when there are so many of them. You’ve done really well

Hoorah for the other executor! So glad you had a much needed cathartic get together with the siblings.

Gutted you can’t share any of the contents as I do like to try and learn how to deal with these sort of folk.

Is the other executor a solicitor?
I got divorced last year and my solicitor had an exceptional 'formal bitch slap' email style - i'd read her missives to my ex's solicitor and be very glad it wasn't me on the receiving end 😄 They were blistering but very, very 'correct'. I often wondered if it was a skill of the job.

I think it is something that you need to be good at and then hone - solicitors get plenty of practice, especially litigation. I am always impressed at they way they can deliver niceties and switch to blistering in the blink of an eye.

Sounds like your family friend executor has done good, as they say.

Hope the silence in response sticks and you can move on in peace.

I think you're fab OP! This is too sad but love your approach

It sounds like the other Executor NOT being a family member was a stellar move on the part of your Dad. Maybe he anticipated there would be monkey business and needed someone as an ‘outsider’ with a strong compass of the correct way to deal with any disagreements ready to deal with effectively.

I think if the other email made everything very clear, there’s no need to get drawn into anything at all. It may be tempting to bitch back and forth, but it sounds like there are too many people involved and are easily offended…plus there’s no real need on your part to smooth anything over or win the fight. So long as the issue of you not having been landed with net responsibility personally or via the Estate to pay those invoices…your problem is solved.

At this stage I would ignore any reaction and if you can’t get rid of them completely, just tell them that they need to reply to the other Executor as they are now dealing with it, and that you support that person’s actions, and therefore you won’t be siding against them so there’s no point in you discussing it with anyone.

The less you react, the less they will be motivated to keep hassling. Bullies thrive on the reaction and the drama, so just opt out.

Sounds like a damned good night to me.

At this stage I would ignore any reaction and if you can’t get rid of them completely, just tell them that they need to reply to the other Executor as they are now dealing with it, and that you support that person’s actions, and therefore you won’t be siding against them so there’s no point in you discussing it with anyone.

This is much the most sensible.

Thank heavens your dad appointed him as well!

Hope all is calm!

Damn I’d love to read that email! Can you get chatgpt
to write something similar or on a different topic?!

We have received (via the other executor) a response which is very much of this flavour - highlight snippets below:

I am writing this because, frankly, I am far too physically and emotionally drained to speak on the phone right now...........My only intention was to be helpful and take the burden off everyone else's shoulders.......I apologise profusely for the crime of caring too much........I was so publicly called out has been deeply humiliating and has taken an immense toll on my mental health......... suppose my well-being is just another thing your family is happy to overlook.......direct personal affront and deeply disrespectful..........It is fine. Really..... With love and exhausting resilience.

There then is a very impassioned plea for a family member to attend for a 'breathtaking, deeply personal surprise' because that is just the kind of selfless, giving people they are. They closed out the request with 'I’m sure you will make the choice that best reflects your values'

They sound absolutely deranged.

OMG! Thanks for the update OP, but yikes - what a manipulative, nasty, black-mail-y message. I would be tempted to respond but I think its better to ignore batshit like this. Commiserations on your loss.

Oh wow, they're really milking it, aren't they!

I hope the other executor is writing a reply along these lines

"DF specifically requested that there would not be a wake, and his immediate family are abiding by his wishes.

As previously stated, if you and other members of his extended family wish to come together to remember him, that is entirely a matter for you to organise and fund.

None of his immediate family will be attending, and request that there be no further correspondence on this matter".

Oh my goodness, that is expert level manipulation, clearly honed by generations of self-delusion and toxicity. I can't help but admire the Machiavellian nature of it.

I assume that you will absolutely make the choice that best reflects your value of not giving a flying fuck about any of them.

Good grief, is there no end to your aunts manipulative ways?

Many years ago, a colleague of mine showed me his email response to a ranting, unkind message he had received.

It was simply a blank page with, at the bottom, a series of asterisks and the words This page is intentionally blank.

Personally, I thought it conveyed that he had nothing to say, extremely well.

I would not respond to your Aunt. You lost your dad for god’s sake, it’s really not about her!

"We have decided to honour the deceased's wishes, but you feel free to enjoy your family knees-up at his expense."

Not really, but you can think it.

I must say - I've been on here about 17 years and this is my favourite thread OF ALL TIME.

I hope, despite your grief, you and your siblings can take amusement in their ridiculousness. Also - you need never have anything at all to do with these awful people ever again. Result.

Absolutely this.

LOL at "removing a burden" when they created the burden in the first place. Amazing.

Oh Dear How Sad Never Mind

I think I'd be tempted to totally ignore that last ridiculous piece of correspondence.

Or send the response suggested by @Woodfiresareamazing2 suggested and then ignore anything else that comes.

Christ that is deranged, massively manipulative and deeply passive-aggressive.

I would ignore. No further communication is needed with any of them.

To use a popular phrase, is the relative on glue?

What a parting shot. Talk about turning it round on to you.

Your choices will reflect that of your fathers wishes, not someone that sounds controlling and bitter.