Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Send an email saying if they want a wake they can pay as he didn’t want one.

Wow... this sounds very intense and heavy of them.
If you have no needs to want to see them again then cut ties do you're thing... let them honour their brother in their way but remind them the cost is on them.

Well done. I think you've said what needed to be said, and nothing more needs to be said.

The more airtime you give them, the more they'll carry on.

You've made it clear the estate won't contribute, you have to honour your dad's wishes, and that's the end of it. What drama llamas, and at such an awful time. Unforgivable.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Losing a parent is extremely hard, you really don't need it

You’ve said it well and I would personally avoid any further discussion. They will otherwise keep on and on.

How horrible for you. I think I would just stick a message out that's says "Dad was clear with us, mum and his partner that there was to be no funeral, no service and no wake/purvey. We are honouring him by respecting his wishes. We will not be taking part in any service, wake or party to celebrate his life or commiserate on a life taken too early as it was not what our father wanted. As a consequence, neither the estate nor we will not be paying for such an event to take place as to do so would specifically go against our father's wishes. We will remember him and celebrate his life privately and individually and if you care about our father as much as you profess too, you will do the same". Regards ..... Good luck and sorry for your loss

Good luck! What a nightmare group of relatives. You're honoring your dad’s wishes fully. They can do what they like, they don’t need a fancy wake to meet up post service.

Sounds like a win, not a loss to me

Personally I would fire back at them that the Executor is legally bound to abide by the deceased persons wishes, which you have all agreed to do. And there are no funds available within the estate to do anything with in any case.

If other people feel they want to do something, then its up to them but there is no money available for this but you can appreciate that some family members may want to do something but that is up too them.

A death in the family turns people into fucking psychos. Look after yourself, OP x

ahem - did you read my original email? This is remarkably similar to what I originally wanted to send 😆

All the siblings gathered last night and spent the evening writing what we thought was a good response. We had had a few glasses of wine and pep-talked ourselves up to send the email and mass text out at the same time.

We had all been offline getting a bit tipsy, and it became a bit festive - suddenly there was music, booze and snacks. There was hilarious shit-talking, character assassination and general wishes of ill will while we drummed up the courage to launch into round two by sending the txt/email.

To find out the other executor, while we had our impromptu collaborative writing event, sent out a humdinger of an email. It was incredibly formal whilst managing to bitch slap at the same time. I really want to post it - but that would be waaaay too outing.

There has not been a peep since.

I can't see how you could out yourself any more than you have already - the situation itself is extraordinary enough.

I am not sure that the email will be anymore outing than your posts already are!!

If people know any of you, they've known wayyyyy before any email is posted 😁

I think what @VickyEadieis trying to say is, oh go on, we’re dying to see the email! Very well done to all the siblings and the other executor for standing up for yourselves. You shouldn’t have to deal with this in your time of grief. And, er, go on, we’re dying to see the email 🤣

Can you give us a flavour?

I normally frown on people pestering for updates and extra information, but I SO want to read that email!

Same😬

Is the other executor a relative too?

These people wanted a free family get together thrown for them at your father’s expense, it has nothing to do with honouring your father , and your father knew this about them which is why he said no to a wake.
I am sorry they are so disrespectful, make sure that your own will is bullet proof and clear so that these people have nothing to do with your private lives, in my experience “families” like this never ever leave you alone so you have to take care to make sure that they are kept out of your lives . If something happened to you the hysterical “caring photo aunt” would be making the same hoo ha about your funeral , so make it clear in your will that these people have nothing to do with you. Protect yourself and your own family . Best wishes and sincere condolences for the loss of your father .

While I can see your point - the email was not written by my siblings or me, and it's not for me to post it here in full, or even in part - Sorry

(Someone asked if the other executor is family, no, a long-time friend of my Dad)

It sounds like that gathering with your siblings was a good chunk of what you plan to do on your Dad’s anniversary next year - those who loved him coming together for mutual support.

That’s a very fair point and very respectful of you. Either way, I hope they all stay off your back from now on.

That might have made the difference OP. Abusive families tend to retreat a bit when an “outsider” witnesses and confronts their behaviour.

You've done amazing standing up for yourself and your siblings here! And of course for your dad's wishes!

It's crazy the other side of your family overstepped and took it upon themselves without getting permission to do a wake and then tried to get money for the cost of it. Some people are so cheeky!

Agreed. You've made the right decision @achromaticdudgeon . I also agree that getting a formal letter from someone outside the family will have been way more effective than anything you and your siblings could have penned.
Wishing you and your family some peace at last.