Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

I would go to ground and not communicate with any of them, but still keep a log of all communications and activities for the entertainment value!
Obviously we would all like to be entertained as well @achromaticdudgeon 😄

Funerals really do bring out the worst in some people. I had similar with my sister when our father passed away. I rang the undertaker separately and made it very clear what I was willing to contribute towards out of Dad's estate - he died penniless and once the undertaker had been paid for the cremation, the bank snatched the rest against his credit card debt.

Minus the best wishes part.

The problems you are having is because you are engaging with their behaviour.

There’s obviously some misunderstanding or narrative being put across but by engaging with their behaviour you are just encouraging it. Sometimes you just have to let people say/do what they want without feeling pressured to clear the record. Ultimately she’s grieving and acting in an emotional manner, you aren’t going to get any sense from her. I think you just need to come to terms with the fact there is a divide between your side of the family and their side, money and death brings out the worst in people, and so you all may need to just limit/cut contact now. Ultimately your dad didn’t choose her as an executor for a reason.

I get that they felt they needed a wake or service or SOMETHING to mark your DF's passing. What they SHOULD have done was aporoach yoy /siblings/DF partner to discuss it. IE "we'd like to do xyz, is that OK by you, youd be very welcone to come along etc etc".

But to arrange it with no discussion then demand you pay? Theyre AWFUL.

Prepare yourselves.
People who behave like that will do that anyway.
That is why they want a show case.
So you may as well do what YOU want and let them kick off and ignore it.

You can't win with people like this. The obvious thing is to say: "You arranged something we didn't want or ask for, against our dad's explicit wishes, and you expect us to pay for it? The answer is obviously no."

But they will enjoy weeping and wailing and tearing out their hair so it's pointless. May as well just cut contact and be done with it.

Oh I agree.

You already knew at the outset that they are difficult and drama prone. So I think the way to look at this is that they would get a great deal of enjoyment from a wake BUT they are also getting a great deal of enjoyment from the drama of being refused a wake. They are not in anyway genuinely sad or upset, they are angry at being refused and wallowing in the bad behaviour that they feel is their right.

Reasonable people cannot have a reasonable discussion with those who like being unreasonable. Like the saying about wrestling with a pig, you can't win, you both get covered in mud and the pig enjoys itself. The only two outcomes of engaging with them are a financial cost of paying for the wake or the emotional cost of being their punch bag. You are absolutely right to block them.

I think at this stage just blocking them all is the wisest move OP. They're all clearly never going to be reasonable.

Sorry they're making a horrible time even more horrible.

Am I right in assuming that you lot aren’t invited to this wake, but have to cough up for it? Your family is full of bullies and you might want to get a cease and desist in place..

I would send a short simple email of explanation to all concerned : your Dad didn’t want a wake and in any case, there are no funds in the estate to pay for one. If they wish to have one they will have to pay for it themselves. I hope they understand that as daughter and executor, you need to honour your father’s wishes and so won’t be attending or contributing,but understand if they still want to go ahead,

if you leave passing the message on to your aunt she will twist the message. Because she’s a drama llama

Agree with this. Really urgent to notify the suppliers of the Aunt being the person to chase.

When my late DF died, I had to pay upfront for the event and claim back from the estate. I was an executor. This is usual because people pull stunts like your Aunt appears to have done.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP - a death really brings out the worst in some people.

Shocks me every time what some people can be like at times like these. I should be used to it at my age, but there's always another arsehole with their own particular brand of twattery, isn't there.

I am not sure a restaurant would want to get involved in a family dispute

I agree, @OVienna, but they'll certainly want their money, which is in why OP's position I'd make quite sure that all this hadn't been booked in my name

Tell they can remember their brother any way they want at their own expense, but you will be respecting his actual wishes and as they have behaved so badly and in such a mercenary manner to you and your siblings while you are grieving the loss of your father, you will be ceasing contact with them.

The dodgy fucks.

Send it. She should not be sticking her beak in it. Serves her right the cheeky bitch. She wanted it so she can pay for it!

Block all of them on everything the bloody leeches. Fucking cheek.

No one has any right to send you a bill for a service you didnt agree to or even know about in advance. It’s really arrogant behaviour and jaw dropping entitlement from grown adults that should know better. Whats the betting they wouldn’t accept such a demand the other way round. If you don’t mind saying, what kind of money were they demanding from you?

All of this, yes. They can grieve and remember him however they wish - and pay for it themselves.

If you never hear from these people again, tear up any letters, block numbers - isnt that a good thing for you OP?

Ugh - I know they absolutely live for this drama, and love being up in each other's business - but life is too short for this kinda of unnecessary hoohaa. they all live winthin a few roads or houses of each other and I genuinely think they look down on us a bit and think we are weird because we are missing out on the family love and ride or die they all have (That being said - I personally think they actually are not ride or die at all, and they were always were more trouble than any life problem you had was worth going to them with) When I was a kid, we needed an update before visiting the grandparents (we lived abroad) on who was talking to who - who was not talking to who - who the family had a beef with on any given day - it's exhausting.

My cousin managed to catch me just as I was leaving the house earlier - apparently, this was a huge misunderstanding.

The 'event' was for everyone to attend, including my side of the family, but 'Scapegoat Aunt' forgot to let us know - also, the quotes (not invoices - my bad, I was flustered when I looked at them) were to suggest the estate might like to 'contribute' and they would still like us to 'contribute' - as it does relate to my Dad and the family is coming together to honor him - some of them from quite some distance away.

We are being asked specifically to apologise to Photo Aunt, who was incredibly distressed by our response to her kind gesture, which came from a genuine place of wanting to help.

I said, apologise for what part? It was a perfectly polite and factual response - I am not responsible for how she chose to react. That did not go down well.

Stick to your guns! I would suggest not sending anything 'blistering', but try to take the emotion out of it and keep it short and factual, with no room for argument.

@achromaticdudgeon stick to your guns here. Photo Aunt sounds like a massive pain in the rear end.

You’re right, you have nothing to apologise for. Well done.

Their event, their cost, their drama. None of it wanted, needed or requested by you and your siblings. No need to keep you updated!

edited for clarity.