Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

I want to know what the breathtaking deeply personal surprise is? It’s absolutely batshit.

Dont take the bait OP, carry on ignoring.

My only intention was to be helpful and take the burden off everyone else's shoulders.

The "burden" of something that didn't need doing.

😂😂😂

How did you stop yourself from laughing?

“Our values are that we will be honouring the deceased wishes, as I’m sure you and everyone else in our family would theirs honoured when their time comes”

not really, ignore them, they are mental and not worth your time. However we can all hope they get a telling off again from someone outside the family.

You need a Mumsnet viper to attend and report back.
Importantly, sorry for your loss and I'm sure you have a huge amount of admin and logistics to deal over the last few months along with the emotional processing. It's very tiring even in the most straight forward of families
But maybe your dad was a secret spy and someone from His Majesty government could attend. The lead lined coffin and close family secrecy all being part of the cover story.

"it's a terrible shame you are so exhausted by a task that indeed our beloved father really didn't want you to do. We all keep learning in life, perhaps this is an area where you can learn that the deceased person's wishes should be respected. It will certainly help your deteriorating mental health too, I'm sure.

Along those lines, I'm sure it will be helpful for you to learn that passive-aggressiveness and martydom is not a very healthy way to carry out your daily life. The only advantage for us has been frankly is a good example of what not to do.

I think I can truly guarentee you that all of us in the immediate family will be respecting our father's wishes and not coming to the unwanted party that you expected us to pay for, given how clearly his wishes were stated and given the quite extraordinary fashion that you have conducted yourself in the last weeks."

/bitchmode off.

Out of sheer interest, how has the other executor taken it? From what you've said before they have a level head.

"Sorry for caring too much"

Haha! That woman has taken being passive aggressive and turned it into an art form! Do any of her kids (or more likely their wives) hate her guts by any chance? Because she sounds like she would be one of those mothers.

I love my ex-MiL (for all her imperfections; don't we all have them!) but this woman sounds like a dreadful burden to have as a MiL!

Goodness me she REALLY really wants you all to pay for her booze up, doesn’t she? Id ignore it, she’s clearly not a reasonable person, what was Rebekah Vardy’s quote?, you can play chess with a pigeon but it will just shit on the board and think it won.

Actively thinking of ways to use that quote.

@achromaticdudgeon wow! The brass neck!

It actually shows this lady has very low emotional intelligence.
She is deliberately and obviously playing the victim card and trying to point out that the close family and executor are the big bad meanies.
By doing this, she's shown herself to have little comprehension capacity and mentally unhinged.

She sounds mental 🤦‍♂️

Do they not care that you are grieving too.

My reply would be.

Dear Aunt x
Whilst we appreciate your grief at losing your brother. Please remember that we lost our dad.

We have arranged a remembrance according to our father wishes as he had discussed with us.

We appreciate you wanting to hold your own ceremony. And that is well within your rights. It cannot be funded or regarded by us as in line with our father wishes.

I am sure you can understand that holding the remembrance on a special occasion as he had requested is our priority and that any event you hold will be seperate and as such needs to be funded by yourself and not from our father estate.

I consider this matter closed and any further submittal of costs or invoices for your own event will be disregarded.

Please do bear in mind the grief we feel and have that thought firmly in mind before you choose your next course of action. Just as we have kept our thoughts of your own grief firmly in mind whilst choosing our words and forfilling those requests that do not counter our fathers wishes.

Kind regards. A very pissed of nephew.

I write this from experience.

My own dad was a horrible nasty peice of work and we hadn't seen him for many years. We chose not to have any ceremony at all and came under fire from old friends and relatives of his.

My rebuttal was not quite as nice but it worked and I got apologies from a lot of them.

I'm going to keep the phrase 'With love and exhausting resilience' in my head for a long time!

I hope your aunt has a chaise longue to recline across for full dramatic effect?

Batshit.

Where the fuck does she live, Victorian England? Did she need her smelling salts after that? Absolute lunacy.

Reads like they asked ChatGPT for a response.

Batshit.

She sounds like a textbook narcissist. I suggest you grey rock this horrible woman. Replying will just feed the beast.

And pearls to clutch ...

You should reply simply saying ‘Disrespecting a persons final wish is a good way to get haunted. I hope dad’s spirit is kinder than you have been.’

Then sneak over at night and put a blow up ghost on the lawn.

I am also intrigued by the breathtaking personal surprise, although I would guess it's a lot less breathtaking than they think it is.

People who insist they are "helping" when they are actually making it all about them and making things difficult really get on my wick (just had to undo all the "help" MIL has been doing). These people never seem to listen. I think you need to just keep saying "no, my dad didn't want that" every time they mention it.

The silly thing is they can do what they want, if they want a big get together with their siblings no one is stopping them or saying they can’t, they just have to pay for it themselves.

I’m so sorry your extended family are being difficult when they should be supporting you.

do you have any nice cousins you could convince to go to the surprise event and livestream it for you and your siblings to watch at one of your houses and cackle with wine and posh crisps ? Or you all go in the most elaborate Victorian mourning costumes you can find….