Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Ach. Send it. I would. The front!

Frankly, sounds justified and then you likely wouldn't need to avoid them in future. Win win!

Send it. Or just send one which includes all the details in your OP about how your DF wouldn't want it, that you want to celebrate his life in your own way, she's welcome to plan something for her side of the family if she wants, but most importantly THERE IS NO MONEY IN THE ESTATE TO PAY HER, so if she does, the cost is on her. And breathe

Tone it down but send it. ‘Dear Aunt, you seem to have been acting in error. Dad did not want a wake and we have not planned one to that end. Anything you have booked will therefore not be due from his estate as it is not in keeping with his wishes. You are welcome to pay for the wake and run it or cancel it, but do not act under the belief that you will get any monies paid to you.’

Sounds like a war would be pretty justified really

Send it. It’ll get rid of the horrible baggage once and for all. Let the trash take itself out!

The executor should be replying, asap, stating that no plans organised by anyone other than his children will be funded by the estate.

Be very very very clear with her that the estate isn’t paying, before her event happens, to ensure no dramas with her chasing money.

I would also state that he didn’t want a wake and his children and partner are respecting that, but focus on the fact the estate will not be paying her costs.

Well it’s cathartic to write the blistering email, but probably not sensible to send it!

I would write back, simply state that if aunt wishes to arrange a wake she is of course free to do so but there is no money in the estate to pay for it. Reiterate that the estate has no obligation to pay for anything that your aunt has arranged. Explain that you and your siblings know that your father did not want a wake, will be organising your own remembrance event next year, and that therefore you will not be contributing towards any expenses of aunt’s event if she chooses to go ahead.

With people like this you have to repeat the key point (there’s no money!) over and over.

And then just refuse to engage in any more discussion. Broken record - as I told you, the estate has no money and I am not paying for this, just keep repeating it.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Are you the executor?

I don’t understand how’s this has happened surely it’s down to his current partner with input from his children
a call to the undertaker confirming who’s the decision maker should sort it
not sure aOP’s mum should have much of a say

Tell her that her email must have been sent in error as there is no wake and there is no money

Crack on with sending it

Well she's going to look ridiculous when nobody shows up.. Send the email. And imo you don't need to keep in contact with people just because you are related.

Yes (with one other person), not that there is really anything to settle - the estate had minus money.

What a loon!

Who is the executor? They or you need to send a short, direct, clear message like the one @oliviaAustin drafted above.

I would send it too. Maybe ask ChatGPT to tone it down and then send it? Please do not pay anything!

So just tell her that. Keep it simple.

'Aunt, the estate has negative funds. Thwre is no money. Hope that helps.'

There’s no need to be rude or ‘blistering’, just be clear and factual.

Who is the executor?

Exactly what have you got to lose?

Send it.

Sorry if I wasn't clear - his side of the family is HUGE. loads of brothers and sisters, step families. uncles, millions of cousins, and, well, you get the idea. There are loads of them. They are a law unto themselves and likely decided, as we hadn't announced anything, that they needed to step in.

Oh, plenty of people will turn up - just not on our side

Dear aunt

DF specifically asked not to hold a wake. We are planning a celebration for next year. As an aside there are no funds in the will. If you wish to hold your own wake please go ahead with our best wishes.

I don't think I'd go into all the stuff about your dad not wanting the wake. With people who are thick, thick-skinned or both you have to be very simple and direct.

"Aunt. To be clear - this wake will be at your own expense. It will not be funded from [dad's] estate. Regards, achromaticdudgeon."

A whole family of grieving drama queens being hyped up and militant about how insensitive we are being - is a likely outcome.