Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Even if he left £squillions there is no obligation for the estate to fund any sort of wake.

Make sure you mention that the event was planned WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT OF THE EXECUTORS, none of the contracts are in the executors names and you will not be contributing to any of the costs.

It sounds like if things did go nuclear it would be quite the 'get out of jail free' card to go non-contact. What have you got to loose?

“I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.”

OK, so,what do your siblings want to happen? Regardless of anything, your idiot Aunt needs to have it made blisteringly clear to her that a wake is not wanted or required; there is no money, and if this side of the family decide to do something in his memory, regretfully it will have to be entirely at their expense.

Chat gtp is perfect for this just ask it to tone it appropriately

And do you care about that?
I wouldn't.. but then I have experienced the most blistering family fall out. Took a while but it is now firmly in my past.
A forca to you (a non English expression of strength)

I have an aunt (sister of my DM. DM is in a care home) and this is exactly the sort of shit she would pull too. My DM has two sisters, and they have made every single last thing about my DM’s decline, as painful and as dramatic and as trauma inducing as possible. And it is already next level stressful even without their negative input. Both her siblings have more front than Blackpool and absolutely would think nothing of allocating out someone else’s time, money, property without consultation. And as long as it didn’t involve them paying.

So I say send the blistering email. It’s no loss if they blow up. You might find the ultimate relief in finally speaking out. I know I did.

Paste your response here and we’ll tell you whether or not to send it 😬

Dear Aunt, Dad's wife/partner and children aren't holding a wake and the estate is not paying for anything.
Best wishes etc etc

Send it. Absolutely nothing to lose.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad 💔

id want to send your email, but I'd probably try to calm myself down & send one of the suggested ones. I'd go with one of the ones that mention Dad didn't want one, his partner, his children & his Ex Wife respect that & will not be having one. As Executors x&i will not be paying for anything organised by anyone else from his Estate (I personally wouldn't reveal there was no money) . What you choose to do is entirely down to you & up to you to pay for. The above mentioned people will not be attending any event organised in his name as they respect his wishes.

Do not mention your plans for next year. Do not invite them. Have the calm remembrance you all want 💕

I would reply with a very short note: We have in no way authorised or encouraged this expenditure. We were very clear no wake would be occurring on behalf of immediate family. We will note therefore be settling any bills for which we have no liability.

This. Send it.

Perfect

@achromaticdudgeon so what are you going to do?

please don’t tell me you’re considering paying to keep the peace 😱

Reply telling her his partner, ex wife and children respect his own personal choice of no wake and so his estate will not be paying. It is entirely her choice whether or not she goes ahead but his partner, ex wife and children will not be attending. Any cost will be her personal debt. There will be a remembrance event next year in line with his wishes.

If there’s no money in the estate and they want a wake they’ll have to pay for it, just like they would pay for their own lunch if they all decided to meet up. Just ignore and let them get on with it.

Just send a very polite email

Dear aunt

my fathers wishes were very clear in that there was to be no wake and as executor I am abiding by his wishes

if you wish to hold a wake that is entirely up to you and will need to be funded by you

Then if she comes back that’s when you tell her that as executor there are no funds anyway

I would deliberately get the wrong end of the stick and reply,

"Dear Aunt,

Oh my goodness. It is so generous of you to plan and pay for a wake in light of there being no money estate; however, we cannot possibly attend without contributing at least a little something.

Has anyone put their name down for quiche yet?"

This would be good. To the point, no wriggle room. Not rude.

I thought it was a nice thing to include her mother (the mother of his children) in the discussion.

In light if all you have written...it's a no!

If you, Auntie what's it, have taken it upon yourself to organise this I'm afraid you will also need to pay for it.

That's good that there's a lot of them, you can send an email back letting them know that your DDad didn't have a pot to piss in, there's no estate to be had.
But what he does have are large debts, so if they'd like to show their appreciation towards their brother/uncle/cousin by contributing towards paying them off feel free to send the monies to x bank account.

There really is no hope for peoples literacy skills if the answer is just get ChatGPT to rewrite everything. Humans can also edit emails and adjust tones.

Send it and tell her there’s minus money and this is going directly against your dad’s wishes. She’s an idiotic drama Queen.

I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

You write the blistering email then run it through AI to remove emotion. That's what I do. As its written by you, it reads less like AI as well. Then if she says "you was rude, hurt my feelings" you can say that's strange as you ran it via AI because you knew in advance what ever you said that wasn't 110% subservient to her wishes and ignoring the deceased wishes, would be met like this. You was trying to avoiding making it about her, and focusing on your dad.

ouch!

I'm with you. Within a few decades humans won't be able to even string a sentence together.