Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

I wouldn't send the blistering email, unless you want more drama. Tone it down, keep it factual and make it very clear that the estate won't be paying for any of her costs.

Write that her plans sound lovely but to be clear: no one from my father's immediate family including -list proper names - has requested or intimated in any way a desire for you or anyone else to plan such an event, or any event commemorating his death. As such, no payment will be forthcoming from the estate or his immediate family.

I get how it's tempting, but unless you want to burn bridges and never see any of them again, don't send the angry email. Keep it very dry and factual: we didn't agree to this, the deceased didn't want this, we won't be attending, we are not going to give you any money. Rise above.

I dont think you can just plan a wake and bill the estate if you arent NOK so id be telling them where to stick it

‘Dear Nightmare Aunt

No wake has been planned, in accordance with DDad's wishes. Therefore no monies are due from the estate.'

Fuck em.

Send the email. You’re not losing anything worth having there are you?

If your father’s estate has no money then it cannot be liable for the costs your aunt intends to incur. Have you informed her of this?

Sorry for your loss.

Advise her the estate is in debt so her invoice will not be met. Then block her and the whole fucking lot of them.

I agree with those saying tone it down and be factual.

I would also be specific that there is no money in the estate at all - the balance is negative. If you say there is “no money in the estate for a wake” she might think you are just not prepared to pay for it and will keep pushing. Just be clear and factual that the estate is in debt.

Sorry for your loss.

You explained to us the reasons why you are not planning a wake in a clear and understandable format.
Could you copy and paste your headline of why no wake and the points you’ve made in an email to them. It says it all and would be quick and spare you more angst thinking what to say. How awful you’re having all this upset as well as the grief. Hope it is resolved soon.

It’s more blistering to be short and factual which seems appropriate in your role as executor. There are no funds in the estate and therefore no money to pay for these expenses.

Sending your reply may be cathartic and give you the peace you desire, it may, as your siblings fear, cause a family ruction that will continue to hound you all for years. So I'm undecided on whether you should send the response you've penned.

However, at least in England and Wales, it is unlawful for the executor to pay for a wake from the estate unless it was provided for in the will (and there are the funds to in the estate to cover it). A funeral can be covered (although there are limits on what can be charged to the estate without the will explicitly covering it) So I would get the executor (I assume that's you?) to respond very formally along the lines of -

Unfortunately, since [Your Dad] did not leave provision in his will for a wake, it is not within the ability of the estate to cover the costs. Any wake will need to be paid for from your own funds. The estate has covered [whatever funeral/burial arrangements you made] and that is the limit of its legally permitted contribution.

Or similar.

You can send the blistering response too, if you want, though if any fall out is going to be on your siblings/mother/father's partner/etc. too you should probably listen to them.

Let them get on with it
Firm email
Dear HorrendousAunt
As the Executor I am duty bound to carry out my DF wishes in which he clearly stated he did not want a wake, therefore this will not be funded from his estate and I will not be entering into any further correspondence regarding this
If you go ahead the costs incurred will be solely your responsibility
AD

Do not tell her about the memorial event
Archive her WA/ texts and dont get involved⁹

You don't need to make this any more complicated than it is. Just explain dad didn't want a wake, the estate has no money and you will not be funding anything. If they are persistent or nasty just block them. Put the refusal of funding in an email so you have proof.

You can't not respond to her in case she interprets silence as consent and agreement that the estate will bear the costs. You just need to go back with a very short, firm message that any wake she or anyone else organises is not with the consent of the executors or your side of the family, is not within your father's wishes (as expressed in his will or during his life), and that the estate will not be bearing the costs under any circumstances.

I'm sorry for your loss and how difficult all this must be for you @achromaticdudgeon .

Have the bills/invoices she’s already sent, already been paid and she wants the money back or are they unpaid? Bar bills before an event is most unusual.

Sounds like a blistering email is exactly what is needed to me. I would send it.

Dear Aunt
Thankyou for offering to arrange and host a wake for Dad. I'm sorry but we aren't having a wake or a funeral for him as he didn't want them and he didn't leave any money.

Kind regards
OP

That's what I would send. But I am hopeless at being mean and I have been known to apologise to Jehovers witnesses for not being interested.

Well there isn’t and won’t be a wake so if anything has been paid for it’s just a party for them anyway which they have to pay for themselves.

Send something but not a blistering one. It’ll have more effect if it’s polite but firm. Especially as your siblings don’t want you to. How insensitive of these people. I’m so sorry you lost your dad and have this horrendous irritation.

And @achromaticdudgeon
Reply quickly. She has billed the estate, so I'd be wary of legal action if you delay and further expenses occur or the wake etc goes ahead.

Don't send it. But do send one of the suggestions at the start of this thread, stating calmly that your father did not want a wake, and you and your siblings, his partner and your mother are all respecting his wishes. Then make it clear that any wake that she organises is of her own doing and that she is financially responsible for paying for it. Make it clear that his estate will not be funding it, as it was not what he wanted.

Do not mention that the estate is in minus money - it's none of her business.

Keep all emotion out of it, keep it straight to the point in a firm but polite manner.

Sorry for your loss.

Dear Aunt, dad did not want a wake so we are respecting his wishes. Anyway, there is no money in dad's estate to pay for a wake. If you wish to organise a wake for him you will have to pay all the costs yourself because his estate cannot.
Signed the executors of dad's estate.

I wouldn't mention anything you and your siblings are planning for next year, unless you intend to invite the wider family.

Send the email. I hope it is very clear that you won’t pay for anything as there is nothing to pay it with.

I suppose it is up to her if she wants to hold it against his wishes. I would simply say none of you will be attending as he was explicit in saying he didn’t want one, and he left absolutely no money so you won’t be paying and therefore aunt will have to foot the bill. I think you do need to say these things but I’d take out opinion or emotive language