Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Ignore ignore ignore.

Well, you'll have a shorter Christmas card list from now on.

Sorry about your dad, and sorry you're dealing with this.

I read the OP as saying that no funeral was held and nor will there be one. No wake either.

You are not obligated in any way to hold an actual funeral if one isn't wanted and isn't affordable.

OP, sorry they are putting you through this. Just send a simplified version of the email. Perhaps toned down a little but still making it abundantly clear to these dolts that you are following the deceased person's wishes, there were/are no funds in the estate and the estate will NOT be paying for their event. Say that they are, of course, welcome to hold such an event if they so wish but it will be at their own expense.

Then just don't engage further.

Dear Aunt.
My father xxxxx xxxxxx had decided long before he died that he didn't want any form of wake.
We (name siblings )- are his next of kin. We have conferred with his partner xxxxx and our mother xxxxxxx who both agree with this.
Therefore there will be no wake.
Ypu are of course welcome to organise whatever sort of event you choose to remember dad - but you will be paying for it. As his executor l can confirm to you that there is no money availiable for a wake. You and you alone are responsible for any costs.
I reiterate-there is no money and dad’s estate is NOT responsible for anything you choose to do.
Pleae do not contact me or xxxxxxx (other executor) again over this.
@achromaticdudgeon .

Or , send the blistering email, block everyone you can from that side of the family and look on it as your dads last gift to you -getting the lot of the entitled drama lamas out of your life.

Personally - I would send the blistering one. What have you got to loose?

So what? You avoid them as much as possible anyway so won't make much difference. What people think of you is none of your business. Whatever you say to her she'll find something to moan about

Best thing is to keep it basic and comprehensive. There's no money in the estate for a wake and he didn't want one, so we won't be paying towards anything you might decide to hold.

I am slightly confused and I think a few other posters are (not in any way your fault - it's understandable you are very upset) - can you clarity whether your dad has already been cremated? (Given he died at the start of this year, that seems likely. )

Anyway, as you say your aunt is completely entitled to organise a memorial event m, in the form of a wake-style catered meal, for anyone who wishes to attend, but can in no way expect or force your dad's estate to be used to pay for this - and as there is no money this would indeed be impossible.

So simply send a short email to say so and have done with. I wouldn't unleash my anger if I were you, simply because, although her actions in demanding payment in this way are pretty outrageous, she is presumably also grieving her brother, and grief does funny things to people. And on that basis you may regret sending the email later. And it may lead to an argument that won't help your own grieving process.

I am very, very sorry for your loss.

Regardless of how irritating these people are, the fundamental point is that there's no money in the estate to pay for it (even if you wanted to). Just tell her that and explain it will be at her own expense.

Why would you at all conclude from the OP that the body hasn't been disposed of?

Send it OP - sometimes war is necessary 👀 Tell your siblings to buy a hard hat.

As everyone else has already said reply and say that they are welcome to commemorate as they wish however there is no money for an event so no financial contribution can be made. My partner had similar nonsense when his mum died and in the end he doesn't speak to any of them. He says his life is much quieter.

Send the 'there is no money in the estate' email making it clear if she goes ahead then any costs she incurs will be hers to pay.

Then contact any suppliers on the invoices to make sure they know the estate will not be paying any bills. Put that in writing in an email and copy Aunt in.

Photo Aunt may be giving suppliers your contact details for payment so make sure that isn't happening.

Save the blistering email in drafts for now, tempting as it may be. Keep the message short and to the point.

Just send a reply blunt and straight to the point that she can organise whatever she likes but there is NO MONEY in the estate to pay for it so anything she decides to do she will have to pay for and as it’s not been organised by the estate and his close relatives then it’s all up to her!

Yes I would send this, factual and to the point and just add that there is no money left in his estate.

It’s very simple. Reply that your DDad did not want a wake and even if he did as the executor you would not have organised one as there is no money in the estate to pay for it. As they have chosen to organise one independently then they will have to foot the bill. Then don’t engage any further.

Send them your summary from here, or send them this link? Sorry for your loss. Your aunt can do what she wants, you don't have any obligation to pay for it, but cut it off and tell her now. Being passive isn't going to help you here.

Simple just reply “there is no money, thanks for paying though.”

OP sounds perfectly capable of toning down her own email.

Send the email

Tell them if they want to hold a wake, they'll be paying for it themselves

Well, good luck them getting money out of an estate that didn't have anything.
They should've communicated clearly with you, and probably you should've told them straight away no wake.

As for the letter/email, even though you want to send it and yes, you probably should, I think on this occasion if your siblings would find it hard then refrain. Doesn't stop you totally ignoring all of them going forward.

They sound utterly overbearing at a time you couldn't have needed it less. Sorry OP about your dear old dad. Hope you get to do your remembering next year quietly and without any drama. Take good care.

I thought that wake expenses didn't have to be paid from an estate.

If they are it is with the agreement of the executor(s) & that they are not excessive?

If there's no money anyway it's a moot point!

Send your letter - they need a short sharp shock!

I'm so sorry. This is the last thing you need.

I agree a toned-down but crystal clear letter is in order. Try and keep it clinical - personally some of the examples above, although already toned down, still sound like a bit of a dig.

I can totally understand your outrage. I would be so upset at this!

They want his estate to fund a get together.

Kill it formally by email.
Make it clear that this is NOT what he wanted, NOT what his family want, you will NOT be paying, you will NOT be attending.

I would save your blistering email in case it escalates.

In the meantime, just email the family and explain that as Executors of the Estate, there is no wake planned in line with your Fathers wishes and sadly there are no funds in the estate to cover one.

Therefore if anyone wants to arrange one, as you appreciate everyone has a different way of saying goodbye, they are welcome too at their own expense but your side of the family will be adhering to his express wishes.

Although at some point next year, there maybe an informal memorial type family/friends gathering where each will pay their own way. He will always be in your hearts.