Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Have the other executor respond and make it clear that your father died in debt, so the estate has nothing in it to pay for this event.

I’d reply and say there is no estate and this was not requested by the executors so the costs will have to sucked up by the numerous family members so keen to attend. How rude of them.

Tone it down but be forthright!

I wouldnt send the blistering world war inducing email- although she/they most definitely deserve it and more! Just email saying their will be no money and you wont be attending as its not what your dad wanted.

Send a response so you have something in writing to prove you won't be paying for the wake as there is no money, and no wish from either your Dad or his partner to hold one. But be clear, concise and calm, don't lose your temper. Going up like a rocket might make you feel better in the short term but will just give them an excuse to ramp up the drama.

Send a watered down version. She needs to know there's no money coming her way. And you won't be attending any service etc as your dad made it very clear that wasn't his wishes. And then block.

send it...just send it.

Initially I would have been tempted to do this, but the Aunt seems so entitled that she'd probably just switch to demanding the OP pay herself.

If they won’t let you send it, modify it. Keep it simple. ‘Sorry Aunt, there is no money left in the estate and to be honest even if there was I wouldn’t pay it. Have a wake and remember him any way you want, but to be clear, you will be paying for it yourself.’ Then block and ignore. The monumental nerve is breathtaking.

Not sure what you've put in the email, but make it clear this is against his wishes and those closest to him. Also, the wake is organised without the Executor having prior knowledge or agreement and, therefore, funds won't be released from the estate out of any monies deceased has left over.

A wake is held before a funeral or cremation and is entirely at the cost of the 'host' unless I am very much misunderstanding things.
I am very sorry for your loss and even more sorry your fathers family are so selfish to put this on you when you are grieving your father.

Put the blistering email into Claude and ask for it to reworded to make the content civil.

Send it - usually I would counsel caution but in this case I would hit the nuclear button

An executor is a legal role not a familial one. Contact them in your legal capacity - there are no funds in the estate to pay for a wake which the deceased was very clear he did not want.
They can ask all they want but the answer is the same.

SEND IT! Sometimes you need to show people you are mad.

Oh dear,

So upsetting.

Now you have written your blistering e mail and vented to yourself on righteous fury and upset, send a brief direct factual message.

Dear aunt and family, Dad, his partner , Mum and his children have acted in accordance with his wishes which was not to hold any form of funeral or wake, and therefore will not be contributing to an event that is against his wishes, and was not planned with our agreement.

Of course you are welcome to grieve / mourn in your own way , and we hope it brings you peace.

Yours. achromatic, Executor.

Don't give them fuel for their behaviour by adding to the acrimony, and don't add to the drama amidst a massive gang of relatives. But at the same time, of course you cannot and will not agree to this.

Absolutely this. It's none of her business there isn't any money in the Estate. It will be interpreted as bad-mouthing your late Father if you say he died leaving minus figures. It is none of her business.

This extended family on your Fathers side are looking for a freebie knees up, an opportunity for them all to get together - it's what funerals (and weddings) are for, isn't it. Shaking out the black frocks and putting the po-face on. They probably know there isn't funds from your Fathers estate but will be expecting you and your Fathers immediate family to stump up for the party that they want.

As others have suggested,
The partner and immediate family are acting on the stated wishes of my late Father and there will not be a wake.

That's it, nothing else. Photo Aunt pushes you can go in all guns blazing, but that's enough to mark her cards.

Always sleep on it then reply. Tone it down. There is no money to pay for this as executors. Df did not want a wake we will not be attending and respecting his wishes. End of conversation.

Do you really want contact with these people going forward?

I’m not saying that you should send it, but it’s worth considering what you want the future to look like

Dear Aunt,

As DF’s executor, I have to inform you that there is no wake planned for DF by his executors. His estate is therefore under no obligation to pay the invoices you have sent. Furthermore it is not able to do so, as he did not leave any money.

If you decide to go ahead with the event you have planned, or incur cancellation costs, I’m afraid you will have to cover that yourself, as the estate is not in a position to do so.

Yours,
DN.

Send it. Tone it down a little if you feel you have to. But absolutely stand by the principle that no one gets to spend anyone else's money. Aunt wants party, aunt pays for party.

Sorry to hear about your Dad, this must feel like the last thing you need.
Sleep on it - read it in the morning and edit/send it as you see fit. Have seen this charade being played out before - it seemed that not having a wake/party was too embarrassing for the siblings because they kept getting asked.

Hi,

You are welcome to have a wake, but unfortunately there are is no money in the estate so it will be up to you to fund.

I wouldn’t rise to it. Just simply state that there is no money in the estate to cover their expenses and so will be incurred at their own cost. Then ignore them, they sound like hard work!

Obviously don't send it. Send a brief neutral response explaining that the estate doesn't have the funds but she's welcome to proceed as long as she understands it's at her own expense. You could also add that it's not what your father would have wanted, but it doesn't really change anything if the money isn't there.