The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

What if they get attached and you aren’t? Do you spell it out? Or vice versa?

With the one who is my ex, I guess we both do have a degree of attachment and probably always will on some level. But we also know we don't work as a proper couple. This was, we get to enjoy the positives without the negatives. ....

With the other one, I was quite into him to start with and would have liked a proper relationship. But when I realised that wasn't on the table, I guess those feelings faded. Now I just think of him as a friend I fancy! If he started to develop romantic feelings for me I would reconsider I guess..... But it seems really unlikely at present.

@ForRedShark,you have been asked more than once to leave the thread, due to upsetting several of us, and one in particular, with your comments and judgements. Do you enjoy making women uncomfortable and unhappy? Without wishing to be unkind, that's exactly how it's starting to feel.

I’m starting to find it an interesting concept I have to admit. (Ignore the fish. They swim away eventually change their name 🤦🏻‍♀️)

I was going to say that adding a colleague on social media is (contrary to what you said last thread) surely quite innocuous and then I read this.....!

Oh geeeez you're still here. I have no idea why because you haven't listened to any of the women on here when they gave you good advice.....and then proceeded to upset 2 of them...
This is why you aren't getting anywhere with attracting a partner when you cant even be decent on an online forum....hopefully youve at least figured out its nothing to do with your looks now!

Please get yourself some counselling and step away from the Internet til youve figured out why you are having these issues

Just wondering what everyone's position is on this: if you arrange a first date, agree time and venue etc, but then you find out stuff that puts you off them/makes it feel impossible you will be compatible, do you still honour the arrangement, or do you cancel? (I am not talking about total red flags like finding out they are a racist - more just things that would be personally off putting to you, but not to lots of women).

I have never been convinced about Mr Romantic - we don't have loads in common - but he is presentable and keen so I agreed to a date on Sunday. But last night we were chatting, and he said he was going to watch a film (our chat is quite mundane!) and I asked him what. And the film he had chosen just made me realise that I just don't think we are going to have anything in common. It's such a small thing, but it just made me see that I was trying to convince myself about there being any hope of a spark..... He has also started calling me "babe" in every message - I don't hate terms of endearment as much as some people do, but the constant use of it is really starting to grate.....

But is it unfair to cancel at this point? He hasn't actually done anything wrong.....

You owe him nothing hun.
If you arent looking forward to the date in the slightest why would you put yourself through it?
Just say, I'm sorry im not feeling this anymore, all the best
If you have a slight interest or intrigue then go....if you are feeling flat and forcing yourself to go, dont x

@Ilovelurchers it is fine to cancel 🩷

Ugh hive mind, I'm feeling bleurgh about planes. Told me I must meet his folks but they said no apparently (?) and his weirdly close ex (when she's sober). Called me late last night (we had arranged time, we don't talk every day) and was drunk. This is the third time I've known about in six weeks, he has no job, others are not buying his drinks...

Am I being horribly judgy?

@Ilovelurchers I’ve had this before. He got overly familiar, given we hadn’t met, and it just gave me the ick. I told him I wanted to cancel because I no longer wanted to go ahead with the date. He had a massive strop and I ended up blocking him. Better than wasting my time though. While it doesn’t feel like a good thing to do, it would have wasted his time as well as mine. You don’t owe him anything so as long as you’re polite and let him know as soon as possible, I can’t see anything wrong with it.

I was in this situation a couple of months ago and cancelled and didn’t regret it! I felt a bit bad but sent a message along the lines of after further reflection I’m not sure we’re quite right for each other. I gave him a few hours to see the message then unmatched. If you know it’s wrong I don’t think its worth wasting your time or his - you want to be excited about a date, not dreading it.

I wouldn’t like to be called ‘babe’ constantly by someone I’d never met (not keen even if we have tbh)!

That wouldn’t sit well with me either. And I truly think you should just go with your gut.

Oh babes, you are not judgy, you have standards and boundaries and it sounds loke he isnt meeting them. You are a catch, and you know it (which is fab!) which is why this behaviour is giving you the ick I think 《hugs》

Thanks @OneShyQuail and @BoxOfCats I work FT, have three kids, a lot of pets and two side gigs. I wonder if part of it is I'm a bit jealous that he's apparently able to suit himself despite no job. He has zero responsibilities.

But also my late husband's death was not unrelated to alcohol so I'm wary.

Also shoutout to mumsnet HQ for the support 😁

Anyone can cancel a date or choose not to speak to anyone for any reason. We don't owe anyone anything!

Maybe it’s more that as someone who works really hard and has responsibilities it’s hard to respect someone who doesn’t seem to share those values?

Sorry if this has been covered before but is there a good reason he’s currently jobless? How long has he been in this situation?

@Nosdacariad- I’ve been hesitant to post as I have been seeing someone for a while and don’t want to come across as smug having seemed to have snagged a good one….

However, I’ve read your posts from excitement about landing the ✈️ to now a series of disappointments. I like you have a house, kids, pets etc and have worked really hard to get it all in a really good place for now and the future. I would really struggle with someone so far away from this setup (rightly or wrongly).

In my current relationship I have more assets and his house needs lots of work and he doesn’t have much £ spare for holidays etc. This is fine as we can still go away on reasonably priced breaks and out for dinner etc. However, there is an imbalance and even in this situation I’m looking at the future (especially with the proposed co-habitation rules). I’m pushing it to the back of my mind as there is no chance of co-habitation for a few years given DC but it is still there. With no home, no job I don’t think I could do it - and with the ED (not on its own as I think it’s pretty common!) and potential lying re UC it would be a death knell for me.

You are worth so much more with someone who complements and adds to you your life (although know that’s far easier to say than find! 😖)

From what i read you deserve better. Never settle for less. You are not wrong to be judgy. X

He was made redundant in the last couple of weeks and is choosing not to look for a job while he launches a business. He doesn't expect an income from that for a few months so I'm unclear about how he'll manage (as if you've savings over I think 16k you don't get UC though I'm not an expert).

Thank you so much!💛

The new rules gave me pause but I think they're just consultation?

@Nosdacariad, yes just consultation but it feels like a direction of travel. And interesting that Aus/NZ have this in place - perhaps @BoxOfCatshas a view on this and how it works in practice!

I also have moments of questioning whether he likes me for what I have - I am as certain as I can be that this is not the case but a niggle given the horror stories of others 🥲.

Does he really add to your life you’ve built, make you feel joyful and emotionally safe? And if it’s not plain sailing (apologies for the pun 😂) at this stage then I’d seriously consider ending it. Do you think his business has legs or is a pipe dream? Also I think age is important here - I’m mid 50’s so maybe have a slightly different perspective….

Was he significantly drunk - would it have been obvious if he hadn't told you? And is he drinking on his own? If the answer is yes to both, that does seem a bit concerning.

And his family said no to meeting you? That's weird. Didn't his mom want to see his bank statement, earlier in your relationship? Sounds like it might be quite a dysfunctional family set up. But if it is, I would see his role as being to shield and protect you as much as possible from then.....

Just thinking - could his mom be bankrolling him? Is that why she wanted to see his statements?

Yeah you cant have savings over £16k