The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I completely empathise with this. I would love to have someone to date, text, have sex with, holiday with..... But the price of finding that feels like a high one at the moment - we do have to approach it almost like a job, I think.

I have days where persaude myself that OLD is exciting and fun and a bit of an adventure .....

Then I go on another date, and find myself sitting opposite a guy who looks very different to his profile pics, in Wetherspoons, listening to him monologue, and silently asking myself how drunk I would have to be to sleep with him, and realising my liver would give up well before I got to that point.....

If it's an adventure, it's not a fun one right now!

I keep wondering now is if my ex was really that bad

Haha at the liver giving up first! Mr Not for Me (first date in a while through this time round) didn’t drink so I only had a couple whilst out, but more would not have helped in that direction - I froze, though felt faintly sick too, at the thought of having him in my bed - he offered just to lay there and watch me sleep - I could have drank my 2 bottles of vodka and 1 of limoncello I have here I guess - but yeah I may have been dead instead.

The ignorance of some guys is baffling - some certainly don’t recognise conversation is 2-way - I’ve had those dates and just had to stare at the bottom of my glass. Hopefully, this may be apparent on earlier messaging? I often give a bit of leeway that they’re nervous hmm - not sure I should actually though.

Definitely was - that’s why he’s an ex - please don’t be fooled by the additional equal dross that is out there - you will find your person.

So after crickets on Hinge I’m finding that for every like I give I now get a like from someone else .

Having trouble quoting and replying on this thread, but @Ilovelurchersyou’re well off without this guy. Obviously the racism is a massive red flag. But any kind of negativity is so tiresome and something I’ve found when chatting to some guys. Just generally having a moan about things….why?! As we all keep saying, this is meant to be their A-Game at this very early point and when they’re selling themselves. But at least he showed you who he was right away!

@TheThingOnTheIce I’m finding Hinge to be extremely quiet where I am (Glasgow….so a major city). Although one thing I do like about it is that there’s questions about weed and drugs. I don’t want any of that in my life (each to their own though). It helps me weed them out…so to speak 😂 And then there’s the guys who don’t answer those, who clearly partake otherwise they’d have answered no! I’m chatting to one guy on there but it’s very slow moving.

I went on another date with Mr Finance last night and it turns out he is separated….which is fine…but he told me his wife left him 3 months ago and totally blind sided him. So although I gave this another chance to see if I could find a spark that is definitely the end. He’s clearly on the rebound and it’s a very messy situation!

As well as the non-communicative guy from Hinge, I’m also chatting to 2 other guys I met on Tinder. Possible potential but not enough to name them yet!

Hope everyone is having a lovely week! This new thread is quite fast moving so I’ll have a proper read later and see if I can quote 🙂

4th date with Mr Mullet tomorrow - dinner and a comedy club.

He continues to be very sexual but was entirely upfront about this early on (and I had sex with him 🤣). I do wonder though if he was just interested in FWB if he'd make actual effort for things for us to do.

@CleanShirt did he say just FWB, it sounds promising otherwise.

@MsJinks @Ilovelurchers @TheThingOnTheIce it is depressing thinking about returning to OLD...Just talking to my therapist about ✈️🛩 who has more question marks than Sylvester McCoy's Dr Who.

It seems to be very hard to meet someone normal with their life in order...

@Nosdacariad We've touched upon it, IIRC correctly he said he would ultimately like to meet someone but enjoys meeting people along the way, and also mentioned he had a very high sex drive (we met on Feeld 🤣). Tbh I feel the same about meeting someone.

It definitely sounds like he is keen.

Although you probably want clarity, that's totally understandable, it's possible that he himself isn't 100% sure what he wants with you yet. (I know when I started seeing my ex, we were both looking for something casual to start with - but we ended up falling in love....)

One approach could just be to take it as it comes, unless and until any aspect of it is actually troubling you. (If he stops arranging proper dates and just wants booty calls, for example).

But, and I know this is a personal thing for everyone, if it was me I would still be swiping and chatting to others until we had an exclusivity chat- these days I never assume the other person is being exclusive until they tell me they are. (And even then, I don't always believe it!).

That's a real shame about Mr Finance - but if shows your instincts about him were right to begin with. Onwards and upwards! Frustrating as it is......

Apparently the racist Mr Cars had a great time on our date!

This is bloody typical. All the ones I have zero interest in think I am great, and would love to see me again - but the least flicker of interest on my part and the guy ghosts me straight after the date!

I wonder - is this coincidence? Or whether I actually come across as more attractive when I have decided the guy is not for me - less nervous perhaps? Either way, it's bloody annoying!

But I suppose I should take the small ego boost as a win. Though it's hard to get too excited about being fancied by a boring racist with a car obsession....

Also (sorry for the negativity!) I have been wondering what it is with all these guys looking nothing like their profile pics. Don't they realise that it will be obvious when we meet them? Of my 6 recent dates, only two looked anything like I expected them to from their pictures.....

Definitely trying to take it as it comes and work on my anxious attachment!

We've been talking about a weekend away 🫣 if that happens it seems like a good time to consider the conversation.

@Ilovelurchers that’s so typical. The one’s I’m not interested in will not piss off whereas if I’m remotely interested in someone they never are (cept the pervert ex of course) .

Oh wow, that's really exciting - and doesn't sound like FWB to me - a weekend away is definitely a relationshipy type thing to do.....

I am still getting very little on Hinge. But I keep dutifully going on and using up my likes each day. Also checking all my likes (thanks for the tip!) and matching with anyone who looks half decent. But the likes have slowed right down after a first flurry when I joined.

Did another swiping session on Bumble at lunch time - got a few matches, so waiting to see if anyrhing comes of them.

Just got one date booked in at the moment - Sunday at 2pm - I will call him Mr Romantic. He is very serious about meeting someone to spend the rest of his life with - it's sweet in a way - but I am not sure we have loads in common. And I just checked his profile and saw he has removed all but one of his pictures, which is a bit strange......

I have a few other Bumble chats on-going, nothing especially amazing....

I was thinking earlier that an in-person event might suit me better - either a speed-dating thing, or a general singles event. How does one find out about that kind of thing? For the first time in my life, I think I would have the confidence to put myself out there like that (and the resilience to take it if it didn't lead to any interest....)

I’ve decided that I may want a FWB situation. Never went down this road before and in my younger years I would make partners wait weeks or months to get into my bed. But I just feel quite fed up and bored with chatting with guys and trying to read them.

Any advice on how to go about this would be ideal (although I’ll probably change my mind haha!). I really don’t want to advertise on Tinder that I’m looking for “short term fun” or whatever, so how does one find the perfect situation?

Im probably totally over thinking this 😂

Feeld! It's not as kink as it used to be. My profile on there is for a FWB with emphasis on the F, and open to more. Met some really nice men and had lots of fun!

So, I have two FWB. One is my ex from a 5 year relationship. I bascially approached him, and asked him if he would be interested in a no strings relationship, in which both of us were free to see other people..... I wouldn't say it's been entirely plain sailing - we have both had our jealous moments - but I think we have established an equilibrium now whereby we don't pry into what the other is doing, during the time we are not together. The benefits are good, because we both know each other well and there is strong sexual comparability. But obviously one has to get to a position of strong emotional resilience, for this to even be an option.

My other one is someone I met for a date once when my ex and I were on a break - we stayed loosely in touch via social media, and when we were both single we resuned texting, and one thing led to another.... While I would be open to a full relationship with him, he has always made it clear that isn't on the cards - but he is a good friend - the benefits are secondary in our friendship I would say? (Though the sex is also good).

So my advice would probably be, to review your former connections and decide if there is anyone from your past who you know you ar sexually compatible with, and bascially be up front about it? I am stereotyping wildly I know, but from my experience few single guys will turn no strings sex down.....

My best friend does it another way, and meets her FWBs through OLD - she basically kept her same profile (which says she is looking for a relationship) but when guys message her and say they were looking for NSA fun, at that point she says she is up for it (to the ones she finds attractive). She's pretty bold though - she will invite guys over to her house for an agreed "scene" - she sends me their details beforehand (and makes sure they know she has done this) and sends me a proof of life text afterwards, so there are certain safety checks in place! But there are risks involved too, obviously, and I wouldn't exactly recommend this approach.....

She has actually met her current partner in this way - they started as FsWB, and fell in love over time. I have to say he isn't my favourite person in the world - I find him quite narcissistic and untrustworthy to be honest - but that's nothing to do with the fact they met as FWBs, it's just the man himself....

Thanks for this @CleanShirt Thing is, I’m a nurse and I really REALLY don’t want patients or relatives recognising me anywhere, let alone online advertising for a fk buddy 🤣 I abbreviate my first name and use my mums maiden name on social media because I don’t want anyone to find me. Although I’m definitely intrigued by the site though and may have a nosy! x

Thanks @Ilovelurchers for this, very interesting! The most sensible option would be to go back to what I know, like the first suggestion. The only trouble is that I can count on one hand how many sexual partners I’ve had…..my most recent ex, I’d give anything to have another night with him! 😅 But I know how stubborn he is and when he is done, he is done. Another ex is a narcissistic woman beater (say no more) and the other 3 are married/LT partners.

The 2nd suggestion involving you mentioned, as you say is not without risks. But I’m honestly just getting to the stage where I could really do with regular sex without all the other stuff that goes with it. I’m 44 and think my hormones are entering their “last hurrah” phase 😅😅 x

One thing I have noticed is that a lot of younger guys (30-39) are looking for a slightly older woman - woman in her 40s - for a FWB type scenario? I have had a few approach me for this. I have turned it down because it's not what I am looking for right now - but it could be worth considering? They have been respectful and polite, but also honest, about what they are seeking. And a lot of them have been seriously hot, judging from their photos!

I don't know what age parameters you have at the moment, but if you nudge them down a little, you might just find a few fellas looking for this type of arrangement? It's worth a try at least. Never say never
....

Ha out of interest I turned my age range off and got a like from a 19 and 23 year old amongst others of a similar age
im almost 43 😂

I'm in a public facing job so just use my first initial but threw caution to the wind with the pictures 😅 nothing risque in there tho.

@empirebiscuits12 I’m guessing the majority of guys would be happy with a FWB arrangement at least for the short term? I think the suggestion of looking for someone younger is a good one. I’m 44 and have had more men in their 30s interested in me than when I was actually in my 30s 😆