The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@GentlemenPreferBonds Sure, I can offer a perspective on this 🙂

The cohabitation rules here make me think long and hard about wanting to live with someone again. In my mother’s case, she has actually put her property into a family trust to protect it in case she chooses to cohabit with someone in future. I wouldn’t go that far, but as someone who earns significantly above average, it’s statistically more likely I would be the one to lose out by cohabiting, so it makes me wary.

My ex and I were together 10 years. Even though we never married, the cohabitation rules applied so we had to get lawyers to draw up a separation agreement when we split outlining how we agreed to divide our assets. Fortunately this was straightforward as he agreed to everything I proposed (felt guilty he cheated on me) but I was lucky in that respect.

I can see why we have the rules in place, as they do offer much needed protection for many people, disproportionately women. I am in a minority in that respect.

@Nosdacariad Could it be that it’s not so much about the difference In financial situations that’s making you uncomfortable , so much as the difference in lifestyles and values?

I'm mid 50s too and I do feel joyful when we're together but not emotionally safe.

I think the business plan is good but I query the execution by someone who has little structure or apparently discipline (eg is supposed to be doing some work for free for the testimonial and has procrastinated it).

He has also mentioned marriage and moving in and been careful to find out whether I have a mortgage...

Obviously tipsy, not slurring. He was in the pub chatting.

I think you're right, the ONLY reason a mum would ask an adult child that is that they had asked for a loan or similar.

Oh man, tread carefully!

Yes, at this stage the difference in financial circs is not obvious in that he is still spending as though employed.

It's definitely more the attitudes that are coming through

Fiddling UC
Work ethic questionable
Three or so nights a week in the pub
The weirdness around having exes hanging around

Others might worry less about some/all of these.

I'll see how tonight goes.

Yep. No worries. Mr X was similar.

All those things on the list would concern me. Plus the not having a job or stable home and love bombing of mentioning marriage / co-habitation so early. There does seem to be far more red flags than green from what you’ve said.

Could he have got some redundancy money and is living off of that? If not, being bankrolled by his mum sounds very plausible and not attractive in a middle aged man.

Potentially from previous big job but not from this one (under a year)

@Nosdacariad are you still feeling like you
love him?

Thanks @BoxOfCatsfor your Southern Hemisphere perspective! I had an amicable separation from my ExH but I’m well aware that things, sadly, can be v different. I shall be treading very carefully. Good luck btw with your various (non committal!) irons and work iron dilemma 😖

@Nosdacariad- there are a lot of amber flags going on which, when compounded, appear to be turning into a shade of red ☹️. The moving in/marriage is v v early to be mentioning and asking if you have a mortgage - wtf??

Most importantly if you don’t feel emotionally safe this is a biggie.

I genuinely don’t want to sound like I’m pissing on your chips as he clearly does make you feel happy (and wanted) and we all have to make compromises but I think your chips are worth more!

Yes 😭

Thank you x

It's a good question. How many amber flags make a red one?

I think it depends on the workplace and whether there’s follow-up.

In my workplace it would be unusual behaviour unless the people in question see each other frequently outside of work. I wouldn’t dream of adding a colleague.

HOWEVER, the times anyone has added me, it’s always been a man from work who has progressed to DMing and saying they fancy me (obviously not from day 1) or flirting quite heavily.

Perhaps in other companies everyone just adds everyone they interact on socials, who knows, but based on my personal experience the goal is always trying to flirt with the person.

This makes it so difficult - when your head is saying one thing and your heart is saying another....

I have always followed my heart in these situations - and bitterly regretted it I have to say!

But there isn't necessarily a need for you to rush a decision. As long as you don't move him in, or lend him money, or anything rash, there is nothing to stop you still seeing him and seeing how things work out.... Maybe the job situation will resolve itself?

Just be careful, and keep your boundaries high. Remember that you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in a relationship, not constantly worrying about his finances, his drinking, his exes, all these things that keep rearing their ugly heads......

You have just identified he’s not for you. If you gives you the ick at this stage, you are unlikely to feel differently about him in the future

I think you are right - in fact I have decided to do a "spring clean" of all of my chats, and shut down the ones that clearly aren't going to go anywhere because there is no spark, no real connection. (Typically, it tends to be these guys who are my most regular and reliable correspondents....🤦 The more interesting ones are always harder to pin down......)

And I do need to get over the guilt of ending a chat with a guy who hasn't done anything "wrong". Intellectually I know that you are all right, and I owe them nothing at this stage. But instinctively it feels a bit cruel.

But what's the alternative - keep chatting away forever and wasting their time?

No. You’re not being judgy. I understand his parents saying no. They might not want to get involved until things are more established. Sorry this isn’t panning out as you hoped :( Bloody hard when we find that connection but there are gaps. 😤

@Ilovelurchers Damn girl, how many chats do you have for a spring clean? 😆

I tend to reply to almost all inbound correspondence to be polite but at times it’s so dull, I wonder why I do…

My Mr Situationship is a walking disaster. Much worse. But I unblocked him. Wise mind is hard to listen to when it goes against what you want. The data will play out eventually and help you make the right decision. I left it way too long with ex H bit at least I am confident that it was the right decision because I tried everything to make it work. You clearly have your eyes open. Try to keep it as casual as possible until you make your mind up. Good luck.

I’m on travel mode. In a town for one night only and asked a random to meet for a drink. Mr Gen Z. Shitting bricks he will say yes. 🤣 (I had a mare finding my accommodation last night. Mr Holiday Homes helped me. He’s so sweet. Just as I decide he’s not for me he melts my ❤️ a little. 😤)

I made it sound a bit more drastic than it actually was!

I only closed down three or four - a couple where they hadn't actually replied for quite a while, and a couple where they message regularly but there is just no spark, bless them.

Including Mr Romantic, so I have no dates in the pipeline currently, though one, Mr Teacher, has been talking about meeting up. The chat is quite sparky - he seems a clever and interesting bloke - but he claims to never be free at weekends as he travels to see his son. If true, that's kind of OK with me, at lesst to start with - over time I would potentially want more, but situations do change over time...

Anyway, we haven't even fixed a date to meet yet......

I have a few other chats rumbling on which escaped the cull by virtue of being at least slightly interesting, , but nobody else who has actually suggested meeting yet!

This is exciting - love that spontaneity! My grown up ex stepson does this a lot on Grindr when he travels - he gets really stressed out if they actually want a date, though, as he only really wants hook ups....

Well I haven’t but I can see it would be a good place for us activists - though on marches you do generally just see folk in passing as somehow you all move slightly differently and otherwise stay within your group. I enjoy the stuff we do though and that’s good for life in general for me at least.

I’m ok at mo with Mr Tree, but if that collapsed then probably a better place to look - or not look but see what happens usually works better perhaps.

Fortunately, Mr Tree and I are on the same political spectrum and have a lot of the same values there - this is so nice and I don’t think I’d overlook it in future, as I have in the past - but we also have different knowledge/approaches so have debates and that’s really good. Different to previous Mr Situationship on many levels - and it’s really, really nice.

Ohhh 💐- it’s hard when it was going so well but now there are amber flags - I think it’s easier if there’s one great big red one!

I’ve never not met a guy/girl of my kids’ - I mean some I wish I’d not ha! However, I can imagine saying no if I thought it was just more dysfunction that I couldn’t be bothered with - maybe again. Alternatively, if I were bankrolling them and they were using my cash to take folk on dates perhaps - it’d be the irritation in that case.

It sounds like he’s in a kind of suspended reality - moved away from his past life but not got onto his new one. How long has he been single? The pub several times a week is ‘something to do’ for blokes often - ok I guess if it’s filling a gap in projects or similar, but it just sounds like he’s maybe a bit aimless and not working on a future.

I hesitate to say this but maybe he hoped that now he found you, fell for you, he’s thinking now he has got a life in front of him that he’s waiting for - a wife, a home. I don’t mean he’s using you or doesn’t like you but he’s maybe liking the life option alongside?

Sorry if that sounds harsh - it’s difficult to unpick - do you feel ok in person with him? Maybe that’s a marker?

Best of luck with it.