The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@IlovelurchersI very little on Hinge too, I think where I live either hardly anyone is on it, or it’s mostly young people.

Sorry to hear about your recent date, like you say at least he showed himself early and you spotted it. In my early days of OLD I definitely missed signs early on of negativity (not racism but other red flags) and it’s been a learning curve for me to be able to spot them. So it’s disappointing but at least you haven’t wasted more time on this guy.

@CleanShirt That’s very exciting! I would love a romantic weekend away right now!

So my work colleague Mr Social has messaged me on Instagram after work three evenings in a row now 🤔 Just lighthearted stuff, nothing flirty. I am replying but keeping it similarly toned…

I think this is my advice to everyone for everything, but maybe pause Hinge for 7 days or so? Doesn't have to be a fixed period of time, but in case that's a more appealing idea. I feel like you need to regroup, but I don't know how.... I reminded of a pushmepullyou from Dr Doolittle. No offence! Like you're pulling equally in opposite directions and not going anywhere 😂

Really agree with this. I have no idea what I put as my lower age limit, maybe 31? I'm 47. I'm currently chatting to two 33 yr olds. I will probs go on first dates with both. I had a FWB for 3 years who was 29yrs when we met and we stopped seeing each other (my choice in Dec).

I rarely date guys my age or older and when I have they have been SO messed up! But I couldnt' tell. Younger guys have been much more straight forward.

A random aside but do you never meet any guys through the maches that might be of interest?

I always feel political alignment is quite sexy and could really bring 2 people together if they're hugely passionate about a cause.

Somebody has a crush... and no, not talking about you 😉Has he asked if you're single yet? 😆Gotta love a collegial (non)flirtation...

Oh he definitely knows I’m single, he even asked a few weeks ago how a date went over the weekend 😆 And I was honest and said it hadn't gone well.

We've also chatted about the challenges of being single and child free in our 40s, most of our friends have primary aged kids or younger so it's hard to find as much time to see them now.

He has also mentioned he's keen to work in my specialist area in future so keen to have my help with this later in the year. I think this is 100% genuine, our roles have a natural crossover in skillset and it's part of his formal development plan. But it means I will be mentoring him so he could potentially work in my team one day, which adds an awkward dynamic to the mix. It's one thing to be in the same function, an entirely different situation if I end up his boss!

For sensitivity to the public profile thing and in case it's a useful reference I have 'Short-term relationship, open to long' under dating intentions. I have switched between 'monogamy' and 'figuring out my relationship type' for relationship type. And additionally I have a 'Match Note' which I'm a huge fan of in general - so only seen my people that match with you (not just like). Mine says 'I'm currently interested in something casual, fwb etc'. But yours would not have to be quite so explicit!!!

I get a bunch of responses, the worst being 'I currently have an opening for FWBs' - I didn't bother replying (so all of them pleasant enough). Probably just unmatched. But most people just say it's nice to know we're on the same page. I get plenty of questions about what I mean by casual and I think it's a great question because FWB means different things to different peeps. I had 2 dates with a younger guy and he said he wanted FWBs and I said I don't want a fuck buddy and he said he didn't either, but just wanted me to go to his flat so he could cook me dinner and 'watch tv'. It wasn't for me and I just told him that I required more connection for physical intimacy. And that was that. In a good way. Although i do question his definition. Honestly I think it's very similar to a relationship - in the sense people have different ideas of what a relationship is - should you message everyday, see each other every week, go to work events together etc etc etc So it's about trial and error and figuring it out together. Some people will have FWBs and they might message everyday. At the top end I would say FWB can be very like bf and gf, just without the shared lives - so don't meet friends and family, don't do events together, but could even do weekends away etc

I dated one guy and he was obsessed with being on the same page - to the point he was trying to control my page, as it were! What I have learnt since is one of my best bits of dating lore - you dont' have to be on the same page, just accepting of the page the other person is on. If the page they are on hurts you or is too much then you move on.

Well, date with Mr Squash went fine, but no chemistry so no date number 2.

I wonder if I am a bit too closed off on first dates. I am not a natural flirt until I feel comfortable with someone, which I never will do on a first date. I think I should perhaps fake it a bit, but that cringes me out.

We discussed the fact that we both find the whole process exhausting, so I think it is an issue for everyone OLD.

Just wanted to say how much I empathise with this. I want to be 4 months in..when its fun, its sexy, you enjoy getting a bit dressed up, trying new places for dates, you are comfortable in bed...

But the way there just feels so difficult. I was on my way to my date today feeling genuinely a bit resentful that many of my friends do not have to put themselves through this (and I am far from thinking that people in relationships have it easy).

It also occasionally feels a bit..degrading? Like I am putting myself out as a commodity. I know that is inaccurate and probably demonstrates a lot of internalised misogyny, but it is how I feel sometimes.

My age gap to DP is over 10 years.
You'd never know.
And he is the most emotionally mature man I've ever met

@Ilovelurchers whilst the racism trumps (pardon the pun) it. The unimpressive cars would have done my head in, even if they’d been impressive. DEAR MEN. DO NOT PEE UP AGAINST A WALL. It’s not actually impressive 🤦🏻‍♀️

@empirebiscuits12 I’m almost thinking about Mr Holiday Homes as a FWB. 🙄

Can I join you? been reading and lurking the thread for years but only recently signed up to bumble again 2 weeks ago, I had sworn myself off men, however a short work fling wetted my appetite again. So far had 2 dates lined up but neither materialised, the first date didn’t show up, I think because I was busy all day to the run up and he must of got annoyed I didn’t message back every 5 seconds.

The second seemed promising but again, I find the amount they want to message too exhausting before I’ve even met him, for 12,hours it was constant messages, voice notes and videos, then he started negging me so got myself out of that one. I need to nip it in the bud sooner when’s it’s too full on. I’ll give it a few more weeks then look to try hinge as well.

finding it hard to go by their pics alone, I don’t seem to fancy many, its challenging without personality and spark there.

Hello @smallsilvercloud 😁

I want to be 8 months in too. Found myself wondering if 🛩🛩is still on hinge, match, fb dating...he says not.

I've got one of my FWBs here tonight - and it's definitely cheered me right up! So I would recommend it to anybody who feels comfortable with a casual arrangement - it's not going to stand in the way of me meeting Mr Right, as if anything serious comes along I will just pause FWB until I know for sure - but it helps me to not get too bogged down in the depressingness of OLD - reminds me that I am still an attractive (to some people, anyway) woman who can enjoy sex and male company.....

Welcome! This thread is a fantastic space - I have learned loads from others sharing tips and experience - and it's fully non-judgemenral, which is rare for the internet I find!

And it helps keep you sane, knowing that there are so many other fantastic, kind, funny, intelligent women out there, all struggling with the same dating problems and disappointments...... If, like me, the majority of your friends are coupled up, it's easy to start feeling isolated and like there must be something wrong with you...

Not at all! We are the prizes! X

This sounds really promising, and really exciting! I would kill for a workplace frisson right now....

Haha that sounds great - enjoy!

Which reminds me, I think I will hit up Mr Charismatic to see if he’s free for a date night this weekend. Having spent all weekend together 2 weeks ago, we’ve barely been in touch since (apart from the odd message).

So... I guess the big question is, are you excited about chatting to him and getting to know him better, getting butterflies when you see him in the day etc?

If so, don't overthink it, just get to know him etc. Find out any red flags there may be, but if you don't see any, considering you see him regularly in a non-dating context, you'll also get to know his real self, which is great. Your workplace sounds fairly relaxed anyway if you're chatting about dates etc?

I still remember my last biiig crush, Mr WorkCrush, it's been over a year now since he's been gone. I lost my mind everytime he walked past... Funny enough he lives in my area as of recently, hope I look bloody fabulous when I do bump into him! The work flirtation was so fun if at times professionally embarrasing as we were constantly all over each other (figuratively, not literally!) directly outside the MD's office. He also chose to ask me out outside the MD's office, in broad daylight 😆

So maybe test the discretion & brain cell levels of your guy, too...!

Thank you @Nosdacariadand @Ilovelurchersdefinitely feeling isolated irl to everyone being coupled up and feeling if it will ever be my turn. I’m prepared it may take some time to find mr right but also open to casual dating along the way.

@ElleintheWoods Haha wow, outside the MD’s office! I take it you didn’t say yes then…?

I wouldn’t say Mr Social gives me butterflies, in fact on initial meeting he doesn’t seem my type at all and I can’t say I felt any chemistry. As I’ve gotten to know him, I think he’s quite smart, I like his sense of humour and he seems like a genuinely decent guy (nice person, and so far well liked in our team). There is some level of attraction and curiosity, and if I had met him on OLD then I would happily go on a second date with him, so to speak.

I am extremely cautious both because of the work situation, but also because increasingly I’m unsure what I really want from seeing someone at the moment. I really enjoy my dates with Mr Charismatic - they’re always fun, the sex is incredible, and we have a great time. Mr Nomad is also still in the background - he’s been far away the last couple of months but is visiting me in 2 weeks time. Until I figure out what I really want, I don’t want to mess with someone’s feelings if they genuinely want a relationship (and I don’t know what Mr Social wants) and particularly if I work with them.

So for now I am happy just to get to know him as a person, with no real agenda in mind.

Sounds like we have stuff in common!

I do find that many men on OLD are so intense... I was discussing all the guys I'd ever gone on a date with from OLD with someone yesterday and we were like 'are there any normal men out there?'

The main trait they had in common was intensity. As in, wanting to get so close so quickly, massively oversharing, telling their friends about us near immediately, inviting to meet family/friends, showing pics of their kids and saying where they go to school, showing pictures of their home and family etc...

And those were the 5-6 guys out of 100s that passed the initial vetting.

I'm toying with the idea of getting back on OLD as I'd love some romance, but now that I'm thinking back to my experiences, while everybody was fairly nice and normal and no actual bad experiences, all the guys were extremely clingy and easily attached, leaving you no room to breathe.

@ElleintheWoodsyep I hear you, the two non starters I was chatting with were the ones that had survived 100’s of swipes and careful vetting😂
but my needle in a haystack is out there somewhere.