The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I think that depends on whether he was saying sorry or meaning sorry. I do believe change is possible. I believe it only ever happens when the person REALLY wants to. Losing you COULD be enough to spur Planes to change? Bur it's a big risk ......

And you haven't, you always ask about others too. Don't beat yourself up!

@Nosdacariad sorry to hear about Planes. If this was your friend or daughter & they told you about this guy they were seeing & all the things you've mentioned on here, what would your advice be to them? I know what mine would be. You seem so lovely & deserve someone so much better x

Lots of lovely dating news for others, hope they all continue to be all you wish for. ❤️

@ElleintheWoods I live in Norfolk & very slim pickings... I don't think I'm looking for any specific type of man, just someone I'm attracted to, prefer someone who hasn't got young children although it isn't a deal breaker, aged 40-50, living within 25 miles radius (around 45 mins drive max), I quite often swipe past men who have pics of their children in the profile because I can't understand why you'd do that.
I don't seem to get many swipe/like me & most that do are not my cup of tea. 🤷‍♀️

Totally agree!!

Great news 🥰😍

@Mildred007 pics on profile is B2B for me. Have these Dads no clue?!

Exactly! I think they post them on there thinking they're showing loving dad = good guy 🙄 Absolute lack of thought!

Ps hope you're doing ok x

Thanks. I'm wrestling with not contacting but everyone has been helpful, especially @coolpattern somehow that chimed.

I'm desperate to check he's ok. If I can see his profile pic on whatsapp does that mean I'm not blocked?

Yes, I don't think you're blocked. Stay strong! X

I also agree with @coolpattern !

Yep . I bet my ex was shocked when he never heard from me again after he said he was turning his phone off for the weekend before he ‘had a heart attack ‘.
he’ll have been expecting me to come crawling back and apologising like I had done before , saying I’ll get therapy for my anger (fuck my life) whilst I never got a sincere apology or explanation for his bullshit. I bet he certainly didn’t expect me to block him

Ah yes I can relate to that. Why oh why would you post pictures of your children online for thousands of strangers to see? That's one of my big hard nos, too.

Used to live in the Lakes and had a similar struggle - was able to swipe through everybody within a 25-mile radius within 20 mins. The 'you have seen everyone, why not expand your radius' screen ws very familiar 😂

Would you be open to dating someone further afield if you get on amazing? If Norwich is within your radius, I'd imagine that would offer a bit more variety?

I did over a couple of years admit that likely, the kind of man I am looking for doesn't live around where I lived, and started spending my time elsewhere and eventually moving. I'd be very happy with a relationship where we aren't living in each others' pockets, so while I am still very much single, a particular area attracts a particular kind of lifestyle (e.g. farmers or quite solitary people in my case) and I realised I was hoping to find a needle in a haystack.

In what sense are the guys that like you not your cup of tea? Just not the right age range/ not much effort in profiles?

Funny story, during my 5 days of swiping, I came across a guy whose entire bio was just '5ft 10' 😂He did have a gorgeous face but come on... His chat was also exceptionally bad. Bit of an inside joke now...

And yes @Nosdacariad write down EVERYTHING worrying that he did into ChatGPT. It really helped me . I had it analyse text messages between us too and it was spot on .

Great job @TheThingOnTheIce

Planes also, maybe three weeks ago, told me that I didn't exist to him when I wasn't there. He has been rowing back from that one, but not sure there's any coming back from this.

It's a very old fashioned thing, fat blokes fat shaming women. Especially on-the-surface-evolved blokes.

He just gets worse... please for your own future happiness don't message him. He's fine. (Easier said than done I know, been there done that) Xx

That's a worrying comment too - if you didn't exist when you weren't there, presumably he would be free to cheat?

Plus, it's such a weird, solipsistic comment. Not the sort of thing I woke admit to, even if I felt it. It's text hook narcissism, surely?

Would be interested to know whether his harem members exist in their own absence.......

Anyway, you are being amazingly strong not contacting him - it's SO hard. At the end of the day, you have to do what you think will make you most happy, and I for one certainly wouldn't judge you if you did end up contacting him.

But I do feel in my gut that, if you can stick to complete NC, at least for now, future @Nosdacariadwill thank you........

Possibly. I'm not looking to co-habit but also want to be able to see someone regularly so would rather someone within reach if you see what I mean?

Usually guys who are not physically attractive to me. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be quite so picky but at the same time I'm not interested in wasting time - theirs or mine.

Matches I have had tend to send a couple of messages then nothing and I feel I shouldn't have to chase up replies? I tend to think if they've not replied they're clearly not interested?

He sounds worse and worse - he does seem to be aware of how to make women want him, put up with his communist bunting etc, so these are definitely deliberate statements aimed at the next stage of undermining you, making you chase/need him - horrible and sounds like there was potentially worse to come.

I actually think you can see a profile pic on WhatsApp if you’re blocked, but wouldn’t see any updates to that. However, he won’t have blocked you - or if he did maybe for an hour! He is waiting for your ‘come back’ text! Or any opening - if he doesn’t get it then I reckon you will get a text from him at some point.

Can you change his name to something that puts you off texting him? Block him? Do the text but send it to yourself and not him - in fact try telling him on draft what a nasty man he is - oh and fat! Might make you feel better?

I know how tortuous it is to sit on your hands - drafting might help - or putting it into AI for a view on it - even just typing it out into AI helps somewhat to distract typing to the guy!

You deserve better - you’re doing great - hang on in and it will get better.

You’ve got this @Nosdacariad you deserve better than this guy, keep going, it will get easier x

@Mildred007 Hmmm yes tell us about it!!

it's actually quite funny... Day to day, seeing an attractive guy is an event, they are so rare. In London... In some areas there are zero unattractive guys. It does actually seem highly geographical to me, how much people take care of themselves, how they dress, their interests etc...

That was the frustration I also had when I tried to OLD recently. I have stayed in touch with 2 guys and... the messaging frequency and quality is just so poor! One is talking about the weather and food! (only those topics) The other messages on Saturdays only 😂😂😂

I feel like guys fall into 4 camps broadly, excluding the marrieds and attention seekers:

1. Those that aren't actually that bothered about dating but feel like they have to be in it to win it, therefore they exist but don't put proper effort into matching and messaging
2. Those that feel like they aren't good enough for you or it would never work, and therefore don't put effort in
3. Those that can get lots of matches easily, and therefore don't put the effort into any
4. Those that are actually serious and willing to put the work in, who are the minority

Are you new to OLD?

I just find that with guys that actually know me and have met me IRL, the investment level and effort is so much higher, as is quality of conversation, and chances of actually meeting up.

@ElleintheWoods- the attractive ratio to area is interesting.

I lived (unfortunately) for a time in a quite rough, behind the times ex pit village. There were 2 fairly attractive young guys - they stood out quite a lot and were very popular! Put them into the local town and they didn’t have the same pull factor - same with the young women tbf. I think if you put them into the nearest city they’d have been so so to also Rans.

I think you’re talking on a larger scale though - but I can see it may be a thing - I do see different styles/ways of doing stuff in different cities/areas - not took so much notice of attractive levels - but you know what I’ll be doing now lol!

@Nosdacariad Youve made the right decision by ending it, try to stay strong now and you’ll be thankful you did soon. It’s the attachment you’ve formed that you need to break, and the only way is no contact. Or he’ll only reel you in to do the same or worse again.
My last LTR was a string of breakups then I’d always be the one to make contact and we’d make up. When I eventually stopped I had such a strong temptation to get in touch but never did. I’m so pleased I’m not on that merry go round of highs and lows, it’s so unsettling.

@Ilovelurchers I love you for teaching me a new word!

@MsJinks communist bunting??

@PinkNeonSign thank you

I'm really appreciating all the support. I'm pretty horrified by the thought of going back to OLD.

Interesting the narcissist comments, maybe that's what the harem provides, supply?

Thank you. I'm terrible for second guessing myself. He was lovely when he was being lovely, which was mostly. That I knew of.