The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Brilliant! He sounds great 🙂

So glad you had a great time!

So pleased to read your update, @Ilovelurchers! He sounds really positive. You sound as if you felt safe and at peace in his company - far more important qualities than immediate butterflies (not that attraction is not important).

As a fellow over-thinking avoidant, the only question you need to answer is whether you would like another date with him. You would. So you go. No more thinking required!

Your evening sounds wonderful, @BoxOfCats. I will go back and re-read the thread to work out why it is he doesn't want a relationship, because that sounds like a pretty relationshippy evening to me!

Think I’ll pass on that one

There is a sense of humour there I suppose!

To be honest, the moaning about how women ghost him would be more off putting to me than the ugliness. Like, yes, we all know OLD can be tough, but is your profile really the best place to vent those frustrations.....

Also all his photos were of plates of food

@Ilovelurchers I was exactly where you are! And it meant I was only attracted to avoidants with lots of red flags for a while. I had to really check myself to not self-sabotage things early on with my now-boyfriend. I was internally occasionally trying to convince myself that he was too nice and I’d be bored. I also think I was actually just terrified of heartbreak again, so was considering running to try and avoid that. I spoke to friends and I also actually engaged with ChatGPT - very unme - to help check myself. Safe, reassured and peaceful early joy is EXACTLY what you should feel. Go for it! Sounds promising!

@Ilovelurchers @TheThingOnTheIce I think both of those.

If he had a glow up does that mean he'd be right out there cheating?!

I'm still feeling shit, not heard from planes. Maybe I'm too fat to be one of his harem (which includes the woman he had a year long affair with). How do you sleep with a man wearing a wedding ring? Gross.

That's ... unusual!

I would love that, it sounds great!

Safe, reassured and peaceful early joy is EXACTLY what you should feel.

Yes, definitely this @UmberSheep. I am trying desperately not to self-sabotage things with Mr Physics, who makes me feel all of these things, but my brain goes into overdrive and my avoidant tendancies kick in. I think some really awful things, both about him and about myself. It isn't healthy and is no way based on the reality of how our dates and conversation are going.

A friend suggested I try Chat GPT - I may give it a go!

Trust me, that is not a hareem you want to be a part of. I bet all these women have wrestled with what you have at points. Be the smart one who cuts him loose and focuses on your own great life, which may even open up a space for a great man who invites you into his very exclusive hareem of one.

I get it though, I have just cut someone off mainly because I was one of many. He wasn't meeting my needs, even though he was really fantastic in many ways and gave me a real spring in my step after a long absence. It went on for 7 months. I had feelings but I have to stay strong because he is never going to deliver on what I want or need.

I was the same with my partner, trying not to self sabotage because of past traumas. He and the kids were the reason i got therapy.

You will find your guy. Glad you got rid of the ahole. You are worth so much more. X

🤣🤣🤣 to your comment about his glow up! That's the logical conclusion......

Sorry to hear you are feeling shit about Planes - it's understandable. Are you feeling tempted to contact him at all?

Were you one of many he was dating? Or one of many he badged as "friends"?

Very bloody tempted to contact him.

I was just thinking if he sent me a really big bouquet and said sorry would it fix things?

And...thanks everyone. Aware I've been very self obsessed.

One of many he was likely dating/sleeping with. Different circumstances to you. But the point remains that it can be very hard to let go of someone when there are feelings but often it's the right thing to do for your own peace and happiness.

Don’t do it. He’s probably fully expecting you to come running back and will know he can push his luck even further. Please write a list of all of his crap qualities and just keep looking at it when you’re tempted to reach out.

Matthew Hussey has some good YT videos for this sort of thing, @Nosdacariad . I have watched them in the past when in the same boat and tempted to contact someone.

They are entitled things like "how to get him back", but are actually about concentrating on yourself and building yourself up after heartbreak (which ironically is the best way to get someone back, but by the time that happens, you don't want them anymore).

You absolutely haven’t been - please don’t be down on yourself due to Pathetic Planes - and that’s who he’s proved himself to be.

I’ve been there with the negging - it’s never really true anyway. I hesitate to put this, and it’s not my general kind of guy I get - but Mr Tree often tells me how beautiful I am - he looks like he genuinely means it too - I’m not lol - but it’s a real pleasure to be told this instead of being told his ex was stunning or I’m fatter than he’d prefer! There are guys who can do this and mean it - Mr Tree does mean beautiful in a broader sense too but it’s lovely. Raised my bar dramatically if I have to return to OLD but I don’t think I’d put up with a negging guy again.

I used to see my Dad look at my Ma like the only beautiful thing in the world too. I’m not sure we all get their kind of relationship (soulmates from day 1) but I felt I’d been missold a lot of my dating days lol - but a bit of genuine respect and kindness for the person you’re supposed to love can’t be that difficult can it?

I see ChatGPT is recommended- I use Gemini - and it can be really good and clear sighted - run the stuff through an AI and see what they think - unlikely to be so different from your supporters on here I think.

It is so bloody hard not to try smooth stuff over and get back to the start and being ok - but it’s actually your brain searching for it’s normal and that dopamine hit - yours will be getting used to the ups/downs of this relationship and starting to expect the bad times as part of the sometimes high.

I’m sorry it’s so shite today but it will get better - post on here as often as you need - certainly every time you think of contacting Mr Pathetic - I get it, I’ve done it but honestly you deserve so, so much better and it will be out there for you 💐💐💐

Sounds like there’s been a few good dates last night - must be in the water as whilst a few weeks in I also had an amazing date with Mr Tree last night.

I hope whatever is in the water stays for those looking to 2nd/3rd and further etc dates.

Been there - it’s rubbish - I intend to step out more quickly if it happened again, instead of thinking I can handle it or I’d ‘win’ (the booby prize!)!- I get attached and start doing a ‘pick me’ routine - no good for self esteem.

Absolutely peace is better.

@Nosdacariad I’m struggling too and I’m 9 months in now almost 10 . I don’t know why I want to contact him or what I’d want as a response . I wish id never met him