Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

I wonder how Poet is doing. It’s rather sad (and maybe a bit worrying) that she hasn’t posted again.

Yes, I agree. I’ve been continuing to follow the thread hoping we’d hear from her. Sadly, it will run out of space before too long and Poet won’t start a new one.

I do hope she and her DC will get away from her abusive husband eventually.

Thank you for checking in, I don’t want people to worry. It feels nice to know that lovely women out there care to check in on me. I know it’s exasperating that I’m still here, trying . I don’t want to be repetitive.

I’m doing ok, I’m keeping busy. I am medicated now which helps with the physical symptoms of anxiety. We’ve been in couples therapy for the last few months and he has accepted a certain amount of wrongdoing. Things have been much better since we started going, not perfect but a lot better. He is also having therapy for a possible sex addiction and anger management.

Some days are good and some feel really heavy and sad. My therapist says this is the trauma. It’s not easy doing the work to try and process it and recover and I’m finding that part the hardest emotionally.

Thanks for all the messages , means a lot

What does your therapist have to say about you having couples therapy with your abuser / rapist husband ?

and you are still on medication for your mental health - all of which is caused and has been caused by your husband.

She’s said it’s not recommended but I think she doesn’t want to push too hard. We are going very slowly as I’m prone to getting overwhelmed and shutting down emotionally

the couples therapist is trained in men’s behaviour change therapy

All I can say is, please keep your eyes open. I don’t see that meaningful work will happen in couples therapy because I don’t believe either of you would have laid out the reality (why would he admit to being a rapist? I don’t see you sharing everything you’ve set out here either. What therapist would work with a couple to overcome that?) We do know that he has been highly manipulative of you for your entire relationship, so I only hope you are aware enough to not let him persuade you using therapy talk or to re-write the narrative where you share an equal part in your ‘troubles’.

All the best Pink Poet.

I'm very sorry, Poet. I'd love to be happy for you, and I'm glad you're still engaging with therapy to some extent, but whatever 'work' you do as a couple is truly like putting a sticking plaster on an infected wound.

I wish you understood that you deserve better than spending the rest of your life with a man who has unapologetically and repeatedly raped you throughout your relationship – and that you can live a happier, freer life without him.

I assume neither of you have been completely honest about the situation for fear of the consequences of your husband's crimes. Do you think its worth even bothering with couples therapy?

I hope at some point you can find the strength you need for your future, and your children's future.

I think you're just getting yourself in deeper. He can now claim that he cooperated, attended his therapies, did everything he could, that he was a father and husband trying to be the best person he could be.

Meanwhile you're on medication to cope with living with a rapist. This relationship will break you and he will get the kids. That's my prediction.

None of his abuse is logged. No one would suggest a woman have therapy with her rapist, so neither of you have been honest. It's just for show. It's another pantomime that you put on for your family and friends. I remember you talking about taking a load of abuse from him two minutes before you walk out the door with a big smile on your face to show the world how happy you are with him. All the time posting here about whether or not you're going to be raped that night.

When you say he’s “accepted a certain amount of wrongdoing” - what is it that he has admitted to?

He admitted in therapy that he knows/knew that some times the sex has not been consensual. He says he wants to change his behaviour and the last month or so there’s been a big improvement
I still feel all over the place though and very vunerable sometimes

Did he admit to saying he would rape you? I suspect not, he's using weaselly language. If you're not honest with the therapist, I don't see the point.

He did yes, he did use the word and said he realises now that’s what happened. He was very honest . It was hard to hear
in the one that tries to dance round things and struggles to be direct

OK, that is definitely a good thing. And I suppose it being in couples therapy means you definitely know it happened, which you wouldn't if it was his own therapy. However what you said about the therapist makes me think he's more for him than for you.

At the time I thought it was a good thing, like he’s being accountable for his actions. But since I’ve just been replaying it and it’s horrible to hear it said out loud to someone else

I'm not surprised. It must have been horrible. But it is the truth. Did hearing it make you realise he's not safe? And that that is who he is any more than the responses on here? For me hearing would be stronger than reading.

If the therapist is telling him it's not that bad and you need to move on, that's a huge problem.

I have done a lot of work to accept that I don’t feel safe right now , particularly at night . So yes , I do realise that.
she doesn’t say it’s not a big deal. She tries to get him to reflect on his behaviour and think how it’s effected me and the trauma it’s caused

As a therapist who has worked with many couples where abuse has become apparent, it is usually not clear cut at the start. I don't ever get enquiries where women ask "please can I book therapy sessions for me and my abusive husband". So I know it can be very difficult to unpick. However, if I had a husband openly admitting to raping his wife multiple times, with children in the home, where she had developed PTSD and is being medicated for this, no way would I be continuing with this work. This is absolutely not something that can be "worked though" as a couple, and by continuing it would be like I was condoning this behaviour.

Thanks for this perspective. I am sat here scratching my head thinking what kind of charlatan is this, taking their money to enable this abusive relationship to limp on.

To me, the therapist needs reporting to their accrediting body.

And do you not think, Poet, that if you persist with this couples therapy, which seems inadvisable to me, it would be better done with him sleeping elsewhere so you can start to rebuild a feeling of safety at night?

Sadly this is right on the money.

Your husband is building a credible web of lies. He is 'engaging' with therapy, has never been on medication for his mental health, has not used drink to self-medicate and only agreed to go to couples therapy to support you.

That's the picture he is building. Meanwhile, he has (as far as I remember?) text messages where he told you that you need to drink less or stop drinking, messages where he told you you needed support for your mental health as you aren't coping and you are now medicated for your mental health. I really hope your therapist has detailed notes about all of this abuse however her willingness to engage in this therapy with your rapist would suggest she is not above board.

Your mental health is more fragile that ever Poet. Likely because your brain is trying to comprehend trying to heal from a trauma that you are forcing yourself to relive and become re-traumatised, because you go to therapy where your husband admits he knowingly raped you and knowingly coerced you by threatening rape. And then you go home and you get into bed with the same man. Our minds are not able to cope with that.

Hi Poet - This offer still stands - it might be helpful to have another perspective from someone experienced.

This. It seems absolute madness.

Poet maybe take this user up on this offer? She is an expert and a very down to earth woman. You might find it helpful and she may have other perspectives to ones who have been shared perhaps? Might be good to just talk to someone who gets it?

@grapefruit100 you are a wonderful person xxx