Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

I’m glad to hear from you Poet, it’s genuinely good to hear that you are ok. I think a great many posters ( including myself) cannot see the good in your husband for the simple fact that he’s damaged you so much. Him trying to help you repair yourself is no consolation to us :( it’s not about us though. I am glad you are safe.

Sorry to hear you’ve had a bit of a mental health breakdown. I hate to say it but we did predict this would happen if you stayed with him. Anyway, I hope you’re ok.

Him helping you with panic attacks is just building another form of dependency on him to keep you stuck. He’s reinforcing his insidious narrative that you wouldn’t be able to cope without him.

'There have been no more instances of SA and although he’ll always probably have a high drive and try it on he is listening when I say no and working on not taking this as a rejection. '

Do not excuse his raping of you as having a high sex drive. Thousands of men have a high sex drive / higher than their wives sex drive and they DO NOT rape their wives.

As for him now having therapy for his anger, isn't it amazing that the money has been found for that when only a few months ago he didn't think he could afford for you to have therapy and you almost asked your parents to pay.

' but at the moment I am working on trying to get myself better to give my kids the mum they deserve.'

whilst you are living with your rapist husband that will never happen, you are now on medication because of him

And the cycle is still turning. Glad you are ok OP. Unfortunately I don’t believe that everything is as you say it is, as you have always glossed over his awful behaviour and I suspect he is not in therapy, sharing financial information, working on his anger… These are things you are telling us to try to convince us that things have improved. Nobody believes this man will ever change so there’s no point in doing that.

You and your children have to live this life and if this is how you want it to be, then you can carry on pretending but it will catch up with you eventually. You shouldn’t need medicating to deal with trauma and anxiety that your own husband (who claims to love you) has caused just to get through your day. It’s such a shame that you won’t take any action that will genuinely improve your life, instead of just trying to paper over the cracks.

Hi poet. Do your parents know about the breakdown?

Your health issues almost certainly stem from living with him like this, but I imagine the trauma bond grows stronger still. A good example is how he’s now helping you when you have a panic attack. A bit like punching you in the face then offering to kiss it better I guess.

^

God, this is all so sad. This part hits things on the nose. Your mental health and breakdown are due to the cycle and environment you have been living in and the sexual assault and rapes your husband subjected you to.

Echoing the positive things of the people have said, but also the concerns.

I think one of my concerns is that in virtually all of the ways your husband has been sexually assaulting you, you didn't realize it was sexual assault. Given how much of a integral part of your marriage him frequently assaulting you has been, I don't believe he has stopped now, even if you believe he has.

I won't list all these things here, but some of them were literally things he did every single day. There were ways he would rape you which he'd had you convinced were a normal part of a relationship. And because you've never had a healthy sexual relationship, you were none the wiser.

I remember you previously said that he's stopped sexually assaulting you. Then a few posts later casually mentioned how he masturbates using you instead, not realising that this was once again, him sexually assaulting you.

So whatever you do, I'd implore you to follow your gut, not what he says, with regard to sexual matters. Ask yourself:

• is this mutual or am I only doing it to please him?
• is this respectful of my body, my autonomy and my need for rest?
• does saying no to this make me feel anxious? If so, why?

Yes, I do 100% agree with this.

I just hope that PP actually feels confident enough to say 'no' when she doesn't feel like sex, does say no on a regular basis, and that he listens and doesn't try to coerce her. That would be one positive thing, if it's true.

I agree of course but even IF he does, it can’t ever be a truly consensual dynamic because she will always know that saying no could lead to the absolute worst. Because he’s done it so many times before. So consent can’t ever be freely given when you always have that thought in the back of your mind. It’s a threat he doesn’t have to make anymore, she already knows what could happen…

Oh, absolutely. It's just not a healthy relationship and I don't think it ever can be, so at this point if she's staying with him, it's about harm reduction, I guess?

Which is why I mentioned her actually saying no regularly - if she's not exercising her 'ability' to turn him down, then it doesn't count. In the past she's said that things are great and he's not assaulting her - but also that she's initiating or agreeing to sex a lot at those times, because she 'wants' to. And I have to doubt that's an actual real sexual desire, instead of just the desire to avoid 'unpleasantness' by pleasing him, if that makes sense.

I think Heretodayonly's post just above is very valuable for Poet to read and consider.

I have been worried about you too poet and been thinking of you over the summer holidays. I just want to echo previous poster’s comments. A new cycle of dependency is forming, if it were not for the abuse you would not need to depend on medication for trauma. I sincerely hope you find the strength one day to break away.

My exh used to say often I would not be able to cope without him, I would struggle with paying bills and looking after the children. The only struggle I experienced was the trauma after I left. Life is unbelievably peaceful now, I am no longer suicidal. I didn’t realise life could be like this, this is the new norm now. More importantly my children who have experienced so much trauma throughout their lives have come so far in the short space of three years. I hope one day you too can break this trauma bond and find a new peaceful ‘norm’. Xxx ❤️

Glad to hear from you Poet, and sorry you’ve been unwell.

Lots of us will be wondering if your definition of no SA will be the same as ours. I’m not asking you to tell us, just acknowledging the sad likelihood that there will still be things happening that are, objectively, SA.

Dear Poet, hope you are ok. I am just reading a book called “The Names” by Florence Knapp and thinking of you. It’s a fiction book but maybe it’s something you could read.

I wanted to recommend that you follow this instagram account if you’re able to: she is called
lalalaletmeexplain and is an expert in relationships and situations like yours. She does fun weekly q&a, a podcast and a lovely group of women follow her.

https://www.instagram.com/lalalaletmeexplain?stkn=MXVjanJyOWpmYW5xeA==

She is anonymous herself as she has a child, and also does phone support. I have agreed to pay for some time for you to speak to her, if you get in touch directly, you can mention this thread and your PinkPoet name to access it.

I’ve never heard of a woman getting support with panic attacks which happen as a result of rape from her rapist. Can’t quite get my head round that one.

My heart goes out to the children.

@grapefruit100 i read that too and thought of poet.

Just seen that story about the lady in Manchester who was given sleeping meds by her husband, raped and filmed. Sadly he got other men involved with is sick.
But I did think however difficult it is, leaving can be done. This lady sat in court - she remains anonymous - and I hope they throw the book at him.
I know it’s not the same it’s just Poet’s DH involved but the behaviours are the same.
And I am wondering if this is far more common than we realise.,

I saw that story about Manchester/Stockport. It’s Giselle Pelicott all over again. Horrific. There is something very sinister about Poet’s husband. It’s all so wrong.

And here’s another one that sounds so similar to Poet’s situation. “He prioritised his own sexual gratification over any concerns about the woman’s wellbeing.”
Rapist who attacked women while they were asleep or in pain jailed for 10 years https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cmqxvydqljv0o

Am I experiencing domestic abuse? - Women’s Aid https://share.google/JyjqMLgCaeNp2nM2k

I saw this from Women's Aid today and it reminded me of Poet's situation. I thought it might be helpful for lurkers.

That is extremely kind and generous of you @grapefruit100 and I hope OP takes up your offer.

No one can hide from their own mental health. It needs to be openly acknowledged before it can be treated. When you live with your abuser this is incredibly difficult.

And another one
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/videos/cx7v4y941mzzo

I’m still thinking of you poet, as are other posters, I hope you are as well as you can be xxx

I saw this earlier it’s absolutely heartbreaking.
It must be far more common than any of us had ever realised.

Yes I’m also still thinking of you Poet :)

Hope you’re okay xx