Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

If I do want to untangle myself how can I go about this WITHOUT blowing a huge hole in our lives. I know it sounds stupid but I still don’t want to destroy him. The children still deserve to have a dad. Could we do it amicably?

You absolutely can have an amicable separation but it's extremely unlikely, given his nature. You won't destroy him, he'll be fine. The children will still have a dad and they'll be fine too. You'll find it stressful but with support you will get through it and be so much happier when you are free.

I think as well as protecting yourself again him, you need to protect yourself from you as well.

By that, I mean that making sure the you in a few days time )when he's done his lovebombing and begging forgiveness routine - as he's done more times than I can remember), can't justify smoothing it all over and 'starting again'. That means taking steps now, whilst you are angry and upset, and most importantly, telling someone you know and trust, like your mum.

You don't need to tell your mum the details, you just need to tell her:

• things have happened that your don't want to take about, but it's been an abusive relationship for a long time
• if you don't think she's taking what's happened seriously, and think she'll try to persuade you to go back, you could say that his behaviour is serious enough that there could be police involvement, but you don't want to, and don't want to give any further details.
• that he's talked you round dozens of times over the years, and you are worried you don't be strong enough to resist this on your own
• that you are under no circumstances to have a private conversation with him until you are strong enough to not worry about being tempted to go back.

Your children also deserve to have a safe happy mother. Forget about how he feels, he couldn’t give a toss about how he’s made you feel.

Time to confide in your parents.

When my colleague fled her husband (taking the children with her) she contacted the local domestic violence charity who were able to provide emergency accommodation immediately.

Have you tried contacting your local branch of Women's Aid instead of the national number? Google, for example, "Milton Keynes Women's Aid" and it might be called something like MK Tower or something that isn't exactly Women's Aid but they will work closely with the national organisation. You are often more likely to get through on the local number than the national one.

I would really, really, really recommend that you disclose to the police though. They can remove him from the house and put steps in place to prevent him returning to it. My colleague has a lifetime non-molestation order against her ex-husband and all contact with the children is supervised. He is not safe to see them unsupervised (as your husband isn't). You could.literally drive into the nearest police station and say, "I've had to flee my abusive husband. I am scared for the safety of me and my children. Please help us."

I know you don’t want police involvement, and the focus for now is getting you to safety and to support, but I think you are only thinking of the impact to him for his past actions and not the potential impact to you and the children for his future actions. I don’t want to scare you but he poses a real risk, so it is actually for your children’s sake that you shouldn’t rule that out.

I hope you can update us on how you’re doing PinkPoet, although I fear you are still playing happy families right now while he enjoys your discomfort.

I agree with this and have seen women on here who flee abuse, don’t report it, then end up having to share custody with men who go on to abuse the children.
Please concentrate on getting yourselves out safely.
But after that, think long and hard about protecting your children in the long run by reporting him to the police.
Remember that you don’t see him clearly like we, outsiders, do. Only a few short months ago you thought what he was doing to you was fine. Please listen when we tell you that he is a danger to your children. Your fantasy of him being a good dad, is just that- a fantasy.

It sounds like the time has come. You can do this, Poet. If you decide to remain at your friends house, do not consume any alcohol AT ALL in this fragile state. Tell them you have a migraine and you cannot drink.

If you cannot keep up the facade until tomorrow with your friends I would wait until they are all drinking and then make a plan to leave for your parent’s house with the children. Do not leave the children with him. Tell the woman that you are suffering domestic abuse and you cannot stay any longer. Ask her for help. You can tell the children that Granny is unwell and you need to go and see her. Just get out of there.

If you decide to stick it out tonight, plan to leave early tomorrow morning when he’s got a hangover and lying in.

when you get to your parents, tell them what @Heretodayonly has outlined. They need to know the severity of the situation and that this isn’t just a tiff or misunderstanding. When you are safe at your mum’s, call Women’s Aid.

Do not leave the children with your husband just because they are with friends. It is too dangerous. This is a very unsafe time for you and your family. You need to be extra careful and you cannot do this on your own, you need help from your own family, friends and WA.

Your focus needs to be yourself and your children.

Also just to respond to your comment, "The children still deserve to have a dad."

Yes, in an ideal world all children would have healthy, safe, supportive, loving relationships with both of their parents. However, this is not always possible, for a multitude of reasons. Your role as a mother is to do your best for your children, including protecting them from harm - unfortunately one of the main sources of harm in their lives is their father.

This is sadly not unusual. In your children's circumstances, "have a healthy relationship with dad" is not an available option because of choices, decisions, actions and behaviours that he is responsible for. Their options are to be exposed to an abuser or to be protected from him. This is the case for many, many children.

Whatever happens next they will still have a dad. They may not (indeed, ought not) have a close relationship with him. But they will know who he is and you will be able to help them to understand their family and their own place in it. You can show them that they do not have to accept abuse from ANYONE.

I don’t think any of the talk about police is helpful right now. Or about whether or not the children should see their dad, that’s not for today.

Today is just about getting to somewhere safe, your parents house, and sharing as little it as much with them as you wish. Everything else can come afterwards in your own time Poet. Preferably once you have received some advice from women’s aid and a solicitor. But that’s all for another day. For now, just think about doing the next right thing for you and your little ones.

I agree. The best thing is for poet to get herself and the kids to her parents and to open up to then a bit. Good luck Poet.

Whilst I am so sorry you’ve been hurt AGAIN and this time so badly your red line has finally been crossed, I am so pleased that you’ve got here in your own time.

Now is the time to bundle the kids into a taxi and go to your parents. Everything else can wait. It will all work itself out, one step at a time. But first you MUST get yourself and the kids away from him and tell your parents something. You don’t have to tell them everything, but please make them aware you are in danger and under no circumstances must they let him manipulate them to get to you.

Good luck and please let us know when you’re safe. So proud of you Poet. Big hugs.

I don’t disagree with this, it’s just the rapid escalation that could follow that concerns me coupled with her reluctance for police involvement.

Agree @FMc208 the thing about saying she’s unsafe and not letting him manipulate them is the most crucial, because if he had any idea she was going there to tell them what’s been happening, I think he would be there like a shot to prevent that and ‘assertively’ insist the whole family had to be leaving.

Hard agree, not your problem really but also if you go to the police his next unsuspecting victim will have a Clare’s law note.

Truth is that he is a long term problem, and you need an arsenal to protect your children. He isn’t a good dad, he’s not a good guy at all Poet :(
Your children have your dad as a good male influence. They are honestly better off without him as a role model, especially your boys.

I dont think in all this we have ever discussed whether Poet has access to a car and whether she can drive? which makes things tricky potentially.

Poet, do you want to go NOW or do you want to go after the weekend.Is he wortking from home or going to the office?

Have you privacy? To call your parents now or in the next half hour or so?

Can you call your parents to come and get you - maybe your dad to come - make up an excuse that your mum isnt well, maybe she is asking for you, I dont know, and maybe before the football, because you can say you will go, and take the kids so as to allow him to enjoy the football and everything and potential hangover tomorrow, and he can come tomorrow, or whatever - the football gives you a good excuse for him to stay behind but I dont know how far away you are if you are staying at friends. Are these the same friends as before?.

Or same story and you get a taxi?

Is he suspicious - is the something that happened something you reacted to at the time, or have addressed?

@NettleTea

I believe PP does drive as she said this in today's post

' This morning I took the kids out just to walk around the town to get away from him
I was shaking and I cried in the car.'

I would guess tho that they used one car to drive to the friend's home and that it may be his car that they drove in / she used this morning.

However, if PP were to take the children today to her parents in ' the ' car, I am sure her father can sort the car going back to her husband whilst she stays safe in her parents'home.

It's hard to advise because we don't know what has happened.

We don't know if he has physically attacked OP or her children and put them in immediate danger or whether the build up to tonight has just got too much for her.

All she says is a red line has been crossed. The advice to call police, call shelters or call her mum would all depend on what has actually happened.

Ultimately your family is, barring WA coming through, the safest place for you. WA can still advise, and will have the best advice as to what to do moving forward, but its uncertain if they would be able to act immediately and you will still have the same issues about physically getting away.

Im sorry, your mind must be in an absolute whirl.

End of school term is close enough that you dont need to worry about that.

Other very practical things. Do you have money? Open a bank account like starling or Monzo, and get ready, as soon as you get to your parents, to transfer your wages straight over, or anything in your account. IF you dont he WILL empty your account, as he is named on it, and use money as a way to control you and force you home.

Did you ever check that the children's residency/ entitlement to child benefit is in your name? If you have proof of ID like a passport or driving licence, you can open a government HMRC app and check like that, if not you will need to call them on Monday. Do it first thing as soon as they open.

Put in a claim for universal credit. You work less hours and you have 4 children, you will be entitled to something. Do that online, you can put that in as soon as you get to your parents. You dont need to do the child maintanance yet, but that will be another step - they will allow you to be away from a home you own as they are used to this kind of thing, and if you arte not paying rent at your parents then you are not applying for housing element so you have that in hand for if and when that comes up.

these are the first practical steps.

I know you dont want the police but keep them in mind for when he starts to show harrassment - ie ignoring your requests to not contact you. If he turns up you need your father to tell him to go away. If he persists, then thats when you do need to call them. Its fair. you have given him a chance to behave decently and remain amicable, but he will have broken that if he doesnt respect what you have requested.

visitation etc can be dealt with down the line. For now just get safe and do not leave the children with him.nor, at this point, allow him to take them at all.

The red line maybe that he's driven her to cry in front of the children, so she can't say they're not affected now. Whatever it is, I hope you are ok, Poet, and have spoken to your parents.

we went to friends house late this morning , in his car, after I got back with the children having given him ‘space’ and he was in a better mood. I don’t have keys to his car and I am too scared to call a taxi and try to bundle in 4 kids . He will be so angry at me for ‘making a scene’. I believe I need to wait until we are home and he is back to work.

The red line was not super dramatic and I am not physically hurt. I think it was the realisation , finally, that he’s fully aware of his behaviour and he doesn’t care.

Friday night we were being intimate , having not done so for about 5 days me being tired etc. our youngest child woke up hysterical with a bad dream came running in and he shouts ‘fucks sake’ and storms out. I got them settled in our bed but I can hear him clattering about so instead of just going to sleep, as I should have, I went down to see him and he looked so angry. Brief conversation about doing it on the sofa, I said no I’m going to bed with DC and he looks me straight in the eye and says ‘the issue is last time I felt like this I raped you and I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen again’

In that moment I felt terrified and I just walked out and got into bed.

This morning he was fuming. Stomping around, slamming everything, yelling at the kids to get ready, sorting things out for our trip. One of the DC was being tricky and not listening and he was shouting at them and literally shaking with rage and I just panicked and told them I’d take them all into town for breakfast. That’s when I burst out crying in the car

Oh and thank you for all the suggestions to go to my parents
I do think that’s a good first step

As scary and overwhelming as this is for you, there is no going back from this now. He has literally admitted that he is a rapist and that he is fully aware of everything he has ever done to you. You cannot brush over this or excuse this behaviour this time.

Please be aware and try to keep safe.

I think this is what I have realised. That with the anger is making me feel scared

And tonight with the football as well
Hoepfully he will be too tired

Are you staying at the friends house tonight? I'm worried for your safety when you're alone again, whether that's at home, or at the friends house when the kids and your friends are asleep.

I'm not sure what to suggest, but he clearly thinks he's justified in raping you if you don't give him sex when he wants (which is a level of pressure on you which means you aren't really consenting to that sex either as it's under threat).

Yes we are
was planning on watching the game with the older DC & our friends
the guys are both into their football

Yes, your children have now been subject to his anger as well to the point where you needed to remove them.

This must be your red line now. Please confide in your parents as soon as you are safe enough to and make it clear that you do not want them to have any contact with him so there is no chance of him turning on the charm.

Stay in sight of your friends as much as you can tonight.