Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

In regards to sex in the same room as children, personally I think if they're under the age of 2 or 3 and you're careful not to wake them, then sneaky, under-the-blankets, quiet sexual activity is totally fine.

But when they're toddlers, not infants, you have to be listening out like a hawk with half your attention on whether or not they're awake, and be prepared to stop at any second, and because of that, it's ultimately just not that fun or relaxing.

In Poet's situation, if the children are very young, fast asleep, and unaware, it's not for their sake that it's an issue. It's the fact that her husband is using the children's presence, and her need to be silent and not wake them to an upsetting tableau, as an extra element of control and power to wield over her and enable rape.

It was said a number of times on previous threads that the children are also being abused. I stand by this.

And it is not just a case of him initiating sex whilst they are asleep therefore they are not being exposed to it. Poet has already said he will touch her sexually with then awake in the room. They are also exposed to his temper and anger, and in at least one incident, one of them was hit when he threw an object. But he made them laugh after it so that was also was down.

As a previous poster said, if they are living in an abusive household, they are being abused. They are also being taught that this is what relationships look like
They are being taught to walk on egg shells around him, to appease him, not make him angry, laugh when he hurts or upsets them. They are being groomed to abuse or be in abusive relationships as adults themselves.

And whilst I do have the utmost sympathy for Poet, her struggles and the difficulties she is facing living with this horrific man, I am more concerned for the children who are forced to also live with him, who have no choice in being here, and I fear it is true that it will not be until one of them tells another adult some of what is going on that something is actually done to protect them. Because as has been said multiple times, Poet has no plans or wishes to leave him, and there does not appear to be a red line for her.

This is what Poet said (the first part is her concern that yes he could rape her in these circumstances):

It’s on my mind. The two youngest will be in with us , not in the same bed though. They are good friends of us both. We will have a nice time but he doesn’t like not being the ‘boss’ in his own home and it can make him a bit tetchy.
he has tried it on in the past with sleeping children in the room. Which I hate and say no. Even if we can be ‘quiet’ . They are not near us and wouldn’t wake but I just wouldn’t like it.

Two children in the room, she fears the possibility, and we know the youngest is 3+ I.e. too old. He’s tried this with sleeping children in the room before. We all know sex with a baby in the room was happening as a regular occurrence from 6 weeks that’s not the issue. Pink’s later comments about ‘baby or toddler on a campbed on other side of room’ seem to minimise it; she mentions children initially and that she hates it. She doesn’t hate it with a baby in the room as that would have been the norm for all 4 children as we know from 6 weeks until the time they moved out of the bedroom, and no one has or was saying that particular aspect was an issue, so I do think we are talking about something inappropriate that absolutely could impact those children.

Yes Poet’s absolute certainty that her DC are find does worry me. My DM thought we were absolutely fine and had a happy childhood, too. She just didn't see the damage. Now she’s devastated.

That's the thing, what I don't want is poet saying something to a friend about it, and the friend saying it's fine because they used to have a discreet shag in the room when their baby was 6m, and Poet then thinking that means it's fine.

So I think people saying that sex with any child in the room is child abuse, is over simplifying it and wrong because most of us have done it. But that's babies, not children.

It's the same with him getting frustrated at the kids - we all do it, and snap on occasions, but it's the extent that's different here.

Because Poet has this 'all men are a bit like this' mindset, I think it's important we discuss the nuances in these sorts of areas or is easy to minimise, what is awful behaviour on his part.

I think I probably am with majority though that found it uncomfortable having sex with a baby in the room. Not enough to not, but enough to dislike that aspect. I'd disconnect the next to me crib, move it the other ride of the room, block the view etc. Then we realised as we'd happily leave baby asleep to have a shower etc, maybe popping into the room next door with the door open was actually fine.

Same. I feel for her, but as the child in a similar situation, I know what her children are going through, how it'll affect them going into adulthood, and what worse things could potentially happen to them.

On her first thread, several months ago now, Poet said she was very worried about anyone finding out what was happening in the house. At that point we didn’t know the full horrors, but she said he would grope her while kids were around, rage at the family and so on.

I said at that point that the children might either disclose, or start displaying sexualised behaviours that trigger intervention.

Now, Poet has come a long way in recognising how bad things are, but I think the impact on the children (and the likelihood that they will be the trigger for this all crashing down, not Poet) is just too hard to process and accept.

YourOliveBalonz
Poet didn't ever get as much as 6 weeks respite post partum.
Medical advice notwithstanding.
? I think she said 2 weeks?
There is nothing normal in this whole set up.

True. Though again, the 6w isn't universal and many couples chose to wait less because they both want to (I'm one of those). It's not against medical advice these days.

There's a huge difference though a woman who feels well and eager initiating sex after 2 weeks, and someone feeling pressured into it because her husband can't possibly wait.

Again, I don't want Poet coming across people who have enthusiastic consensual post partum sex, and assuming that her pressured into it by a sulking husband who might rape her again husband, is the norm.

Those things are night and day.

Poet has 4 children. They are all old enough and well aware enough for groping and sexual activity in their presence to be inappropriate.

A reply to you and@YourOliveBalonz

Obviously groping in front of young children who are awake is inappropriate.
I was just talking about sex with toddlers/infants in the room more generally, and how even if the children were young and asleep, the issue regardless of that is that Poet's husband is using their presence as a method of control in order to facilitate rape.

But yes, if the youngest is over 3 then they're much too old for any reasonable person to try to have sex with them in the room, even if they're sleeping, especially given it's on a weekend away and not because they all live permanently in a one room hut. And it would be abusive towards the children for him to try to rape Poet while they're in the room, when there's a chance that they could be awake and pretend to be asleep out of fear/confusion. But this entire situation is abusive.

Really though, I think his outbursts of anger, the walking on eggshells day to day, everything being about keeping daddy happy, and the general dynamic where Poet is always subservient to him, as well as any groping and sexual behaviour he might engage in casually out in the open, is much more damaging long-term than the possibility that they might wake up during sexual activity - and it's actually happening every day.

You’re right in terms of some forms of sex of course, but Pink Poet said in previous threads the longest they have ever gone without sex (vaginal) is 6 weeks after a baby. The bare minimum for a GP to say it’s physically ok in other words.

But yes, with a newborn baby to look after and the exhaustion of that period, this man feels he should be serviced in some way because there’s just too much attention being taken away from him. He’s been amazing during birth and first few days, and then he wants what he’s due.

I also thought she said he couldn’t last 6
weeks and it ended up being 2 weeks.

If you are unsure whether your behaviour is acceptable around your children OP, imagine someone else doing it to them.

So if your parents were babysitting would it be ok for them to have sex in the same room as your children. If that thought fills you with horror then you know it's not something you should be doing.

And I say you because actually you do have some control over this, especially as you are predicting it.

This is true. I remember I was the one pushing for sex prior to six weeks, while my husband was worried about hurting me.

So yes, outside the context of coercion and abuse, it can be normal (if unusual, and probably medically inadvisible) to have sex after two or three weeks, and people who don't know Poet's dynamic with her husband might minimise the situation if they're one of those people who wanted sex earlier.

But regardless of when he's grooming, coercing, or forcing her into sexual activity when she's not enthusiastically consenting, it's all rape. Some of it might seem more unfeeling and morally abhorrent (such as when your wife has just given birth) but ultimately rape is rape, whether she's pregnant, post natal, or just on a random Friday night.

Also, I think it's worth mentioning that a man who treated 'The Game' as a dating bible is unlikely to ever view his wife through any kind of empathetic lens, as an equal human being. He values Poet as a service object for what she does to make him happy, particularly sexually, and not who she is as a person – which is why he can't manage to put her needs and wants ahead of his own wants for more than a couple of weeks. In his mind, he's the only real 'person' in the marriage, so only his feelings and desires matter.

I think if Poet read 'The Game' she might gain a new perspective on just how little her husband truly cares for her.

Reading the game is actually a very good idea.

That's true – if nothing else, it might help her to recognise the techniques and tactics he tries to use on her. Knowledge is power, after all.

OP did read the game.

Ah, thanks for that – I remembered her mentioning it, but I didn't remember that she'd actually read it!

And that would be fine if she was enthusiastic, initiated it and felt well enough.

There's no recommendation to wait 6w any more. Though that's partly because some men took that as a target rather than a minimum so it put pressure on some women.

Some will be ready at a week, other 6 weeks, others 6m or longer. But it needed to be when Poet actually felt like it, not to placate a rapist.

She was shocked and appalled as she recognised so much of his behaviour.

How are you doing @ThisIsPinkPoetx

Is it this weekend PP and her husband is staying with friends for I think 2 nights. if so I guess they went yesterday so PP won't be around as will be too busy with her children and socialising with the friends.

I think I’ve reached the red line last night and this morning
I feel so sad and I admit scared
This morning I took the kids out just to walk around the town to get away from him
I was shaking and I cried in the car. My daughter said what’s wrong mummy

We went to our friends anyway I didn’t know what else to do
Pretending happy families because literally no one in this country knows apart from my therapist

Can someone advise me, how I can hold it all together until I decide my next step . I’m freaking out . I know WA will help me with practice advice but it’s a long wait everytime for someone to call me back and I can’t always talk.

You are all great with practice advise I know I haven’t always been open to it.
If I do want to untangle myself how can I go about this WITHOUT blowing a huge hole in our lives. I know it sounds stupid but I still don’t want to destroy him. The children still
deserve to have a dad. Could we do it amicably? I’m scared how he would react. No suggestions of police please. There’s no way I could drag us all through that