Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

Poet I know this might be alarming but I think it’s really important to acknowledge that having sex while in the presence of children is child sexual abuse. Please, if you do nothing else today, please acknowledge this. He is utterly, utterly dangerous. He is a very disturbed, warped individual.

'so should be ok if we do it just before we go'

so you know he is having sex tonight or tomorrow night or early morning so he wont rape you whilst you are staying at friends at the weekend...

It's still classed as a safeguarding issue/abuse. Please stop making excuses for him.

we are only at our friends for 2 nights so should be ok if we do it just before we go

Sorry poet, but this is so fucked up.

I know you love him or are trauma-bonded to him, but he's like a dog in heat or something.

It's a compulsion, not love or lust for you.

Yeah, I mean, even if he felt he couldn't bear to go without regular orgasm, that's what wanking is for. He could very easily take care of himself in the shower in the morning/evening if need be, without anyone even knowing. Also, intimacy and closeness only exist when freely shared - it's not intimate or close to force someone to sit on your lap, or endure your groping against their will, etc.

It doesn't seem to be about either intimacy or sexual desire for him - it's entirely about control and dominance, and forcing Poet to be available for him to use whenever he wants, even (especially!) when he knows she doesn't want to. He's getting off on the control and subjugation. It makes him feel powerful, I imagine.

We can all express shock at this or disgust but if you look at what poet is saying, she doesn’t feel that this behaviour is feeling abusive to her. I agree that it’s because she doesn’t know any different but I don’t know how helpful it is to keep pointing it out because Poet isn’t actually wanting to do anything about it right now. She hasn’t actually asked for our opinion on whether or not it’s okay and she hasn’t expressed that she wants support to put anything in place safety wise for this weekend. I agree with others that the England match puts you at higher risk poet. Is that the night you’re staying with friends? Are these friends mutual or were they more his friends?

Yes that’s part of the reason we are going . It will be a bit boozy probably. Friends from our eldest NCT group so both of ours.

I know it’s wrong - I do. It’s hard for me to
know what to write sometimes. Still coming to terms with it all and how ugly some of it is

Have you heard from WA?

I think it is important to point out that it's not normal or acceptable or "just what men are like", because Poet has previously said things like that.

It's not normal for men to act this way about sex. Even ones with high sex drive or "laddish" ones.

yes, we had a check in call.
it still makes me feel sick but I have a few more details this time and spoke to an advocate

Poet that’s an incredible step you’ve made. In your own time and that’s important too. I think feeling sick in this scenario is a very normal feeling.

I am going to hope that England win Poet, I worry for you and so many other women if they don’t. But the drinking is going to increase the risk either way isn’t it. I wonder if there’s anything you feel you can put in place if you need to? Is it close enough that you could come home if you had to? You shouldn’t have to do this but given that you aren’t ready to leave could your period come early? Or perhaps you’re having some breakthrough blessing? Or you’ve had an upset stomach? Anything to create some distance. The fact that he’s being more clingy means you need to be even more careful, is there any possibility that he’s accessed your phone at some point? I think doing some thinking around safety is a good idea for this weekend.

Well done for engaging with them. Knowledge is power 👍

I think we’re mostly pointing out behaviour that would affect the children, and I’m not sure I can just skim over that. It’s not ok even if she thought/thinks it is, and she is not the only victim. If pointing out that having sex in a room with children is sexual abuse perhaps that will embolden her to continue to say no if he attempts this over the weekend and protect the children from this at least.

Well done for continuing to engage with WA PinkPoet.

I agree, it needs pointing out because there have been a number of times where poet has not even realised something is not normal in a relationship or is abusive.

She previously said a red line was abuse against the children but yet again, this is and that doesnt hurt to point out if it helps poet to see how this is so beyond normal and is impacting the children.

I think one of the difficulties is, that with some (obviously not the sexual assaults and raped) of the husbands behaviour, his is at the extreme end of what people might do/think about, which gives him a veneer of it being ok or him trying to defend it.

So yes, it's notoriously difficult to find time for sex on a family holidays, and there'll be posts on here sometimes about to how sneak in a quick shag. We've been tempted to try the bathroom ok a long break, but haven't, but I can imagine some people might.

And people do have sex with a newborn baby asleep in the same room (especially as they aren't supposed to be in a different room to you). There's an age that becomes inappropriate, and that's a judgement call, but it's clearly inappropriate at Poets age kids!

And people do vary in levels of affection in front of the kids. People kiss and hug all the time in front of kids. Not a full blown snogfest though obviously. And people might give a bum an affectionate squeeze as they go past, without it becoming any more.

But two affectionate, loved up people who mutually struggle without sex, trying to find a way of finding moments together whilst juggling family life is different from this. With Poet it feels oppressive, pressured, one sided and overtly sexual in front of the kids.

The reason I say this isn't to justify what he's doing because it's wrong. But when people talk to their friends about the 'drought' of a holiday etc, or how difficult it is to find time for sex with kids around, it's easy for Poet to think his behaviour is normal, because other people will sympathise with the difficulties.

But other people might try to make sure they've got time for sex before they go away, because they know it'll be a drought. They aren't making sure they give him sex (again, not any mutual desire there) before going away for 2 days because she's worried he'll rape her with the children present.

It's very different.

Just to add, sex in the same room as a baby will not usually be a criminal offence as it's only an offence when it's in the presence of a child for the purposes of sexual gratification.

The older a child gets though, the more obvious it is that the child may become aware, and the greater the likelihood that he's doing it for sexual gratification.

Basically, a sizeable proportion of parents think it's ok with a newborn in the room. A smaller proportion will be ok by 6m. An even smaller proportion by a year. By the time you've got preschoolers and school age children, that's basically zero.

And given the kind of sex he likes, it's grooming the kids to accept no intimacy as normal. Not that he should be grooming them into having to watch his exhibitionism anyway of course.

I agree - I can't just skim over it either, even though it has been discussed multiple times, to me it feels like not saying anything about the direct abuse of the kids (when they come up in the thread) is part of the enablement that these threads tip into sometimes.

Having sex at a friends house with children in the room is the least romantic/sexy scenario for any couple. There's just no need for it.

He's excited because he knows OP doesn't want it and he's going to do it anyway because he knows she will have to stay quiet so as not to wake the children. This is what turns him on.

I agree.

I don't think the kids being there is necessarily a turn on for him. (Shudder), but he has used situations in the past where Poet has to stay quiet (like her parents house) to escalate his sexual violence knowing she feels obligated to stay silent.

Urgh

Sadly, I think one of the children disclosing the sexual abuse at school (when they are old enough) is the most likely way this will ever end.

Or to a friend who repeats it to a parent. Who will report it. And never let their kids near yours again.

I think it’s important to remember that Poet has been the victim of long term, insidious control & abuse for all her adult life. She clearly loves her children and doesn’t believe they’re at any direct risk, although she’s beginning to recognise that domestic abuse and fatherhood cannot be separated; a man who harms the mother, harms the child. However, she is already living in a home life which can feel threatening and scary, so although constructive challenge seems to be helpful to Poet, I think it would be beneficial if this could remain a safe, supportive space for her as far as possible.

I mean this in the kindest way but I think people have taken Poets comments and escalated them. In my experience when accusations are made that someone is being neglectful of their children, they will likely get very scared. The immediate reason she was posting is she felt under pressure and suffocated. And then got a bit of a pile on here as well. I do agree with some of the comments btw but she’s so entrenched in this that nothing can sadly change her situation ( unless she wants to ).

Just to be explicitly explicitly clear as others have said OP.

Having sex in the presence of children IS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE. Period.

Children living in the homes were there is domestic abuse, ARE ALSO VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE. Whether or not they witness anything to the eye or hear anything is irrelevant.

period.

You maintain that the children are unaffected by the situation. But I assure you, they are. And you will not necessarily see the implications until they are older. You are experiencing multiple forms of abuse from your husband and so are your children.