Husband keeps ruining family days out.

[FancyMintShark]

A few weeks ago it was my birthday and on the way home from a family day out my husband started an argument with me about my degree. I have already given him all the info regarding my degree (I’m halfway through so if he has questions now then he’s clearly not been paying attention). But he was asking questions that I’ve already answered many times so I was fed up because it’s just evidence that he pays zero interest in me. And i was tired from our day out. He had already tried to goad me into slagging off one woman for going back to work after having her baby and then his step mum for not working and in both instances I stuck up for the women. So he says (fyi I’m studying the Arts) ‘isn’t a degree supposed to lead to something?’ Meaning he thinks my doing a degree is pointless. And he does this a lot. Anytime I try to do anything beyond being a SAHM, he’ll find fault in. I said this and he went ballistic. Birthday ruined I spent the rest of the day crying in my room - he did not come check if I was okay. Recently it was my youngests birthday we had a lovely day out then we went home to chill for a bit. He napped while i took the dog for a walk, then we went to dinner and the entire time he was nitpicking at the kids. He got snarky with my son because he wanted nachos but he was having a big kids meal so hubs said no - i backed him up. Then my second eldest wanted slushy (which we had agreed the kids wouldn’t drink ever again because they’re toxic) he said no at first but she was hassling so he have in - i did not contradict him. My youngest (who’s birthday it was) picked that restaurant becauseof it’s soft play he said she could play in there once we ordered dinner - i backed him up. He was also offensive to my eldest by asking ‘is she actually learning musical theatre or just doing shows?’ She was clearly annoyed by this comment as she kept playfully bringing it up but he didn’t apologise he just ignored her. Then he started asking about her GCSE’s. He started the convo by saying is she still doing that thing in september or not because you’re always changing things (there was a programme for teens that i was looking into for her but she wasnt keen and my husband said it was too expensive so i cancelled those plans and he was told all of this) i was already fed up with him hassling the kids and so I may have made a sarcastic comment - almost forgot he kept nagging my second eldest about her peas (she hates peas) he said she had to eat ALL of them if she wanted a nacho from her little sis. I pointed out that she had been given a ton so maybe just half. Which she did but she put salt on them so they wouldn’t taste awful to her and he had a problem with that, then proceeded to make comments throughout the meal about how she didn’t eat all of her peas. So it’s the end of the meal and he’s being an arse and my youngest (who’s birthday it is) wants to go into the soft play. Everyone has finished dinner btw and we are just waiting for the bill. He said no and then started getting aggy with her and being cruel by saying she wouldn’t be allowed a movie if she went in the soft play. Did I mention it was her birthday!? So I said very quietly to him that I didn’t mind taking her in there while he waited for the bill. He was furious, started shouting saying I was undermining him said I do it all the time blah blah - i had literally backed him up throughout the meal, i draw the line at forcing my children to eat food they hate and he knows that. Anyway I left the angry little man on his own and went to the soft play funnily enough none of the older kids wanted to sit with him. We were in there for about five mins when he came out because the bill had been paid I tried to talk to him and clear things up he stormed out and refused to talk to me the rest of the evening, didn’t sing happy birthday when we did the cake didn’t help with the candles.

I did try to clear things up in the car ride home but he just kept shouting and I didn’t want to ruin LO’s birthday so I left it. Am just so fed up with him ruining our family days out. He always seems to find some issue with anything we are doing and it makes me not want him to come with us because it always ends with an argument because I’ll either stick up for the kids or myself and that infuriates him. He never used to be like this but last year he started working for a new company where I know the men there hold mysoginistic views and he is stressed because we don’t have a lot of money at the moment - cost of living, four kids, one wage family (he works five days a week and on saturdays either plays golf or cricket or goes on days out with his friends) so there’s no time for me to work (we home ed) oh and he’s got a trip to america coming up to watch the football.

It sounds to me like he seems like more of an arse on days out because that's when he actually spends time with the family. When you're at home together he checks out and does his own thing. If he wasn't at golf at the weekend he'd probably be an arse then too.

Is this what you want for your kids? That every birthday is ruined by their dad(?) refusing to sing happy birthday and nitpicking at everything they do to get at you? He sees the kids as an extension of you, so is unkind to them as a punishment for you. He sounds awful.
I think your DC going to school, you getting a job and leaving this abusive man would be a lot more beneficial for them than homeschooling and living in a toxic environment.

I only got a quarter of the way through op but he sounds vile. He intentionally ruined your birthday. Why put up with all of that when you don't have to? Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Is that the kind of relationship what you want to model for your kids?

Horrible man. Do you and the kids a favour and tell him to leave.

Your kid is old enough for GCSEs and you're all still negotiating about how many peas they should eat? Madness. Consider separating, you and the DC would be happier.

Couldn’t agree more -

Life really is too short for this shit. Start planning an exit strategy for you and the children. You dont want then to grow up thinking this is ok. He's a fucking man-child.

Also, tell him to stop dictating what a teenage can and can't eat. Fucking ridiculous!

Exactly. However, get ready for a long list of reasons why OP's kids can't possibly attend a mainstream school.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this

Get those poor kids away from this man and into a school.

Men ruining special events is a common theme on mumsnet , I grew up with my Dad doing the same and he still does. There’s a family wedding coming up and my sister and I are so anxious about his behaviour . 90% of the rest of the time he’s ‘normal’

can anyone explain why they do this? I haven’t come across a woman that does this

He’s abusive to you and your children OP and you should have left a long time ago.

It’s abuse. He’s an abusive arse and no it doesn’t matter if he’s fine the rest of the time. He’s still an abusive arsehole.

@numberblocks54321 beat me to it. Probably narcissist behaviour.

Do you think looking back over things like birthdays that he is always trying to pick a fight over anything and everything? But does he ever do this on his own birthday? Sometimes there is a lightbulb moment where you realise he will destroy anything that isn't about him and make it about him.

With working, he won't want you to work because then he would have to pitch in and do the housework. A lot of men don't want their wives/partners to work because all childcare and house stuff falls on the woman. If she does work she is expected to still do everything she did before the job. Paris Paloma's Labor should be played in your house.

You should read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That, luckily for you it is online for free as a pdf. It might help explain a lot of his behaviour. He is awful and you know he is. I have never used my degree but it definitely got me jobs.

He sounds exhausting, whiny, a very dull bully, frustrating and not at all good company. Do you and the kids want to live your lives like this forever?

How much time does he generally spend with you all as a family? How much responsibility does he take for the children in terms of caring for them in any way? It sounds like he is totally clueless about how to have a healthy relationship with you as his wife and also his kids, and unable to not let little things irritate him to the point of insanity.

This is something you need to discuss with him when the kids aren't around. Tell him how his shitty, childish behaviour is impacting you all. If he's stressed and unable to handle it, he needs to seek help, not take it out on you.

You're being highly unreasonable in forcing your children to continue living with this abusive piece of shit. Home ed has its place but not at the expense of failing to protect your children from abuse, which is what you are currently doing. They see you tiptoeing around and appeasing this man and they are learning that this is how relationships work. And they aren't getting the chance to get out each day and mix with a wide enough group of people to realise how very wrong this is.

What a life for your poor children, listening to you and your husband bickering about peas and other inconsequential stuff. He sounds angry and irritable - maybe the stress of being the sole earner? I agree with other posters that your children would be better off in school and you should get a job. The way this marriage is going, you'd be sensible to be earning your own money!

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What’s in this for you?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. This is no relationship model to be showing your children and you are also teaching your kids damaging lessons about relationships. Home ed needs to end I. your circumstances as it’s keeping the kids and you trapped.

I agree with pp OP, it’s time to put yourself and your children first and leave the marriage. If that means the children need to go to school so you can work then so be it, I’d rather that than have them grow up surrounded by degrading negativity from their father.

My husband does this too. Me and the kids tend to do days out and fun stuff without him these days!

For most men I think it's anxiety and control. Out in public / days out there are so many variables and if the man is a bit toxic and insecure it'll come out with being very controlling and it's harder to do that in a public space. The examples with this family are so obvious - wife spreading her wings doing a degree, husband trying to double down on controlling who eats what, where they go, what they do etc.

I'm not excusing it. It's disgusting and exhausting. But that's why I think we see these common patterns.

I wonder what the female equivalent is? For my generation (elder millennial - grew up in TOXIC 00s diet culture) I think it's diet and self improvement. Like when we are stressed we respond by going on a diet to try and control our bodies.

I will bet any money that if his boss has a big event, presentation, sale or whatever, your dear husband doesn’t whinge, whine, complain or otherwise say “I don’t like anyone else having a nice time so I will be horrible”. I bet you he doesn’t do any of that.

And I bet you he doesn’t do it down the pub in front of his mates, either.

That tells you exactly what his opinion of you is. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t like his children. It makes him very happy to have you upset and fawning over him. And he can do it whenever he wants a hit.

I don't know your financial situation. Everyone on mumsnet can be very quick to say 'leave' but it's not always that easy if you have 4 kids, a dog, home educate and no income.

I'd say as an alternative just cut him out. My husband can be a bit of a tw@t and me and the kids just hang out without him, so I effectively single parent most of the time. I pack weekends full of activities so we minimize the time we spend together for the simple reason that being together as a family is not fun for anyone.

If husband wants to spend his life lying on the sofa watching Netflix, let him rot and the kids don't need to be exposed to his temper.

Is it ideal? Absolutely not. But neither would being homeless or having to change schools be. I'd love a life where I could model healthy relationships for them but I'd also love them to live in a world without global warming and Nigel effing Farage but we don't get everything we want.

If you act as a single parent most of the time you may as well go the whole hog and divorce him.

Modelling healthy relationship patterns is one of the most important things we can do for our children. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Would you want them to be in a relationship like this as adults, no you would want better for them. You cannot fully protect your kids from him if you are all still living under the same roof. One day the kids will leave home and what for you then in the event you are still together?.

This discussion reminds me of a friend of mine. She and her husband have one primary-school-aged child. She and the child regularly go on holidays and trips without the husband/dad because he "can't handle it". This man works in a senior position in some kind of international firm, making a stupid amount of money, but he can't handle being with his child in any non-routine situations. Can't regulate his emotions, can't relate to the child in any way that doesn't involve issuing commands, can't accept some level of having to sacrifice some of his own free time, etc.

I want to know what is going on with these men.