Husband keeps ruining family days out.

[FancyMintShark]

A few weeks ago it was my birthday and on the way home from a family day out my husband started an argument with me about my degree. I have already given him all the info regarding my degree (I’m halfway through so if he has questions now then he’s clearly not been paying attention). But he was asking questions that I’ve already answered many times so I was fed up because it’s just evidence that he pays zero interest in me. And i was tired from our day out. He had already tried to goad me into slagging off one woman for going back to work after having her baby and then his step mum for not working and in both instances I stuck up for the women. So he says (fyi I’m studying the Arts) ‘isn’t a degree supposed to lead to something?’ Meaning he thinks my doing a degree is pointless. And he does this a lot. Anytime I try to do anything beyond being a SAHM, he’ll find fault in. I said this and he went ballistic. Birthday ruined I spent the rest of the day crying in my room - he did not come check if I was okay. Recently it was my youngests birthday we had a lovely day out then we went home to chill for a bit. He napped while i took the dog for a walk, then we went to dinner and the entire time he was nitpicking at the kids. He got snarky with my son because he wanted nachos but he was having a big kids meal so hubs said no - i backed him up. Then my second eldest wanted slushy (which we had agreed the kids wouldn’t drink ever again because they’re toxic) he said no at first but she was hassling so he have in - i did not contradict him. My youngest (who’s birthday it was) picked that restaurant becauseof it’s soft play he said she could play in there once we ordered dinner - i backed him up. He was also offensive to my eldest by asking ‘is she actually learning musical theatre or just doing shows?’ She was clearly annoyed by this comment as she kept playfully bringing it up but he didn’t apologise he just ignored her. Then he started asking about her GCSE’s. He started the convo by saying is she still doing that thing in september or not because you’re always changing things (there was a programme for teens that i was looking into for her but she wasnt keen and my husband said it was too expensive so i cancelled those plans and he was told all of this) i was already fed up with him hassling the kids and so I may have made a sarcastic comment - almost forgot he kept nagging my second eldest about her peas (she hates peas) he said she had to eat ALL of them if she wanted a nacho from her little sis. I pointed out that she had been given a ton so maybe just half. Which she did but she put salt on them so they wouldn’t taste awful to her and he had a problem with that, then proceeded to make comments throughout the meal about how she didn’t eat all of her peas. So it’s the end of the meal and he’s being an arse and my youngest (who’s birthday it is) wants to go into the soft play. Everyone has finished dinner btw and we are just waiting for the bill. He said no and then started getting aggy with her and being cruel by saying she wouldn’t be allowed a movie if she went in the soft play. Did I mention it was her birthday!? So I said very quietly to him that I didn’t mind taking her in there while he waited for the bill. He was furious, started shouting saying I was undermining him said I do it all the time blah blah - i had literally backed him up throughout the meal, i draw the line at forcing my children to eat food they hate and he knows that. Anyway I left the angry little man on his own and went to the soft play funnily enough none of the older kids wanted to sit with him. We were in there for about five mins when he came out because the bill had been paid I tried to talk to him and clear things up he stormed out and refused to talk to me the rest of the evening, didn’t sing happy birthday when we did the cake didn’t help with the candles.

I did try to clear things up in the car ride home but he just kept shouting and I didn’t want to ruin LO’s birthday so I left it. Am just so fed up with him ruining our family days out. He always seems to find some issue with anything we are doing and it makes me not want him to come with us because it always ends with an argument because I’ll either stick up for the kids or myself and that infuriates him. He never used to be like this but last year he started working for a new company where I know the men there hold mysoginistic views and he is stressed because we don’t have a lot of money at the moment - cost of living, four kids, one wage family (he works five days a week and on saturdays either plays golf or cricket or goes on days out with his friends) so there’s no time for me to work (we home ed) oh and he’s got a trip to america coming up to watch the football.

Oh yes. I do think her DH is a total abusive arsehole, but that line raised my eyebrows, & the harsh judgement of schools & the "incessant drudgery". We can live & let live without this judgemental crap.

I am absolutely borrowing the phrase ‘fuckwit whisperer’.

Totally sums up the expectation that women should work to fix the flaws in their husbands/ partners while also doing all the other work.

While you’re doing your degree, I’d keep things as they are. Once you’ve completed it, I’d be leaving.

For the time being, grey rock him. So if he starts making comments you just nod along and don’t get drawn in.

He says your being a selfish cow , you’d reply “ okay.” Or “yep”. He says he wants to do x,y or z : you reply “okay”. And just do what you were going to do anyway.

Hw wants control and knows kicking off gets it. By you just essentially ignoring that behaviour by not engaging, it can’t go anywhere.

I didn’t read all of your OP. I stopped at the ‘forcing to eat peas’ thing. I can’t stand this when adults force their DC to eat food. He sounds horrible and I think you know that yourself and your DC deserve better.

My dad started behaving more angry towards us all when he was having an affair. It’s quite common. Maybe you should do some digging

Why did you mention walking the dog?

Fantastic you dh is going to USA of watch football, give you and the dc chance to have a nice time without him around - maybe it will be very nice....

I’d love to know this too. My dad was the same. Every family event was tense. sometimes he’d be silent and not say a word or refuse food and drink. Other times he’d cause arguments or make excuses to leave in the middle of Christmas dinner!

When he died, even though we were sad there was a sense of relief that finally we could have happy family birthdays and Christmas.

OP do you want your kids to wait until their dad dies to enjoy life? This man child needs to go. Get rid do your children have joy in their lives and don’t associate occasions with misery!

I always knew my children would lead a much more enriching and fulfilling life without the incessant drudgery of school

yet instead you’re trapping them into a situation with an abusive father with not even school for an escape. Do they have other adults they can talk to? This is how kids fall through the gaps. Isolated at home in abusive situations.

And I hope you’ve taught your children about paragraphs and other such stuff that you don’t seem to bother with

Paragraphs are clearly part of the “stuff that will not be relevant in their lives”. Goodness knows what OP thinks her kids are going to do for a living.

While he is away on his football trip get your accounts in order. Copy all monetary papers, as well as all texts about his trips, football, golf etc and leave it in a safe place, eg your parents. Maybe even see a solicitor, nothing wrong in being prepared, and it will give you confidence regarding his gaslighting by knowing where you stand.

This. If you leave him you will likely not be able to complete your degree and will be stuck in low paid employment to fit around school - you will also end up needing benefits to support you and the kids as a sole low paid income does not cover the rent and bills. The job centre do not allow you do a degree unless you physically attend the university full time or work full time whilst completing a course part time online. Without someone to collect the kids from school that's impossible, especially at the beginning when finding after school clubs is near on impossible due to the competition for spaces.

He's a miserable, selfish, vindictive man.

They don't change! Watching my 86 FIL sulk like a 4 year old and ruin my 90 year old Mil birthday meal as the restaurant was chosen for her needs and not one he wanted. The huge relief we all felt when he passed... Trying to find something positive to say at his funeral... Don't be that enabler... Start to plan your escape

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but is this a blended family?

Is he a narcissist? Certainly sounds like if. Eugh!

Time to call it quits. He's a loser. You and your kids would be better off without him

I'm confused about this too as OP always talks about 'my eldest', 'my kids'. I think they are DH's.

Just Run - don't look back. So many red flags - he's a NARC! Plan your escape. Read your post back imagine it's a friend sending it to you about her partner. Would you be happy for one of your children to be talked to by thier partners when grown? You stay tolerate that you teach them it's okay.

Just Run - don't look back. So many red flags - he's a NARC! Plan your escape. Read your post back imagine it's a friend sending it to you about her partner. Would you be happy for one of your children to be talked to by thier partners when grown? You stay tolerate that you teach them it's okay.

He's a selfish prick and very likely to be healous as sin.

You rise above him and succeed at your degree OP, despite his attitude which will get him no where fast and of course, for yourself, something to be proud of.

He sounds totally insufferable, sorry.
And despite you not having much money at the moment, he can afford to go to the world cup.
Presumably because 'he earns the money', whilst you obviously sit on your arse all day? 🙄
Who's idea was the home ed? Because that's a great way to keep you under the kosh.

It sounds like the home ed was very much OP's idea, and she says giving it up is a "last resort". Presumably it comes before her children's health and wellbeing.

Because they aren’t in control.

Your're lucky not to have met women who do this- my MIL almost ruined her own daughter's wedding with histronics and nearly killed DH with the stress.

And was your DH scared for his physical safety? Is she much taller, stronger, and heavier than him? Was he scared that her moodiness would end in an explosion when alone behind closed doors that would have him coming off worse if she went too far? Did she control the money of his household, have more power in the relationship, and were they in a legal contract?

No, no, no, no, and no. PP need to STOP pretending it's the same when a woman and a man does this.